Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Uncertainty/Change and needing support

So, for those who've been keeping up, we decided to hire an after school sitter this year, and its been working out fantastic! He brings them home, supervises homework, takes them to activities, and is really good at keeping them active with park trips, bike rides, and indoor activities on the rainy days. Many of our friends have met him and say he's awesome and my kids straight up love him.

Literally after I wrote yesterday's post, I got an email from him giving me 2 weeks notice. He had been working for us in addition to another park time job. That job was ending and he landed a full time gig. Which makes total sense! He can't live off our 15 hours/week. But damn, now I have to find someone new.

And thus, my panic spiral began, as I called after care places near by to hear they have a waitlist, and placed an ad that no one was responding to hour after hour and I looked at my schedule trying to figure out how I would cover the FOUR half days this month even if they could stay at the school's after care on the other days.

Literally my whole day began to revolve around alternatively taking action to deal with this logistical issue and fretting about "what if" it didn't work out. And all I got from G was a text back "oh no, that sucks". And later that evening when I mentioned how stressed I was we made a generic remark like "Uncertainty is just part of life, its just a matter of dealing with it productively".

Turns out (shocking!) I really needed someone to commiserate with me, and tell me it was OK, and maybe offer to help? But I didn't realize it at the time and I got snippy and had a headache and went to bed early.  When I thought about it this morning, I realized that maybe I did the same thing a couple weeks ago while G worked on a home repair issue that was stressful and $$$ and involved a lot of time and coordinating on his part. I got to keep working and say "oh no, that sucks" while he spent hours calling plumbers, and the insurance, and then going home when they came to see the issue. Maybe he needed something more from me? Its great to have that division of labor so no one person is overwhelmed, but in a marriage, we probably do owe each other a little more than "sucks to be you, good luck with that", right?

My therapist says that was very astute of me, and I need to talk to him about it, so that we can work on being more supportive of each other while we deal with stress & uncertainty. On the one hand, sure, healthy relationships do require communication. On the other hand, ugh. That is NOT our strong suit as a couple (you may ask us what IS our strong suit and I...have no answer for you).

Anyways, just venting I guess. And I've got 4 phone interviews lined up in the next 2 days with promising candidates who did eventually respond to my ad. My new goal is to find someone good---but also just a bit cheaper so we can hire a housecleaner again because I'm over it.

Monday, October 28, 2019


Pretty good weekend, though I was extremely tired all day Saturday because G and I were out late Friday and had to wake up extra early to volunteer at our school fundraiser 5K.

Come From Away was AWESOME. I loved it, highly recommend. G also loved it, and he's not really the musical theater type. The show was much shorter than I had planned (only one act, no intermission) so instead of going home and getting to sleep, we went to a nearby bar for a couple of drinks and hence, the late night.

All 3 boys ran the 5K, I was very proud of L, who had signed up for the kids run (one loop, about 1.5 miles) but ran the longer distance. And I helped keep cars off the course and cheered on everyone. I love this annual event, people run in costumes which is great, and its just a fun neighborhood feel-good vibe.

It was a beautiful day, so we took advantage and took the dog to a nearby state park for a hike, and then lunch (and some delicious pumpkin beer) at a brewery. After that I was SPENT and laid in bed for a while and then laid on the couch while we watched a movie. I can't believe one night short of sleep knocked me out that much, but there you have it.

I slept for many hours and Sunday felt much better. It was a rainy stay-at-home day and we organized physically and logistically, cooked & cleaned, and painted pumpkins! Halloween is almost certainly going to be rainy this year, which is a real bummer. I may stay home and hand out candy, I don't really feel like dressing up and walking around with a rain poncho and umbrella. The boys chose Marvel Avengers as their theme, L will be Captain America and B will be Thor. G got an eye patch for Nick Fury. They want me to go as Black Widow but I'm not super into the idea of wearing skin tight clothing right now. There is nothing in the world that would keep the kids from their trick-or-treating, so I'm hoping G will go with them so I can chill.

This week is less clinic-heavy, so I've got a LOT of writing and analyzing to do. If only I was feeling focused. Monday mornings are hard.

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Better Than The Alternative?

Turns out I have osteoarthritis in my thumb. I though I had just "hurt something" but eventually got an Xray since its been going on for months and there it is. Osteophytes. So its only going to get worse over time and I have to go back to texting with my index finger like an old lady.

Which I apparently am because I think I'm in (peri?)menopause! I stopped my hormonal BC this July and have not had a real period since. My other thought is that my rather mild (discovered during IF workup) PCOS has worsened with my recent weight gain. So I'm going to start with trying to losing said weight, and see if my period returns. By then it'll time for my annual exam and I can ask for labs.

Which leads me back to therapy, and how I deal with my emotions with food & alcohol and that I need to get more comfortable with discomfort so that I can break those patterns and move on. I'm frustrated that I haven't figured this out by now, but turns out I wasn't taught a damn thing about dealing with emotions as a child, so here I am. The goal is to put some space between my feelings and my immediate need to make them go away. So that I can figure out what it is I really need. Which probably isn't more chips or wine.

I did a BeachBody workout this morning after more than a week off and it was a struggle! I also did push ups for the first time in a couple months (I was trying to keep pressure off my achy shoulder) and I could barely do 10 on my toes. Welp. It sucks that my hard-earned strength is so easily lost but I'm going to commit to doing this exact workout (21 day fix, upper fix) once/week so I can build back up.

On a positive note, we (the whole fam) went and saw Hamilton this weekend and it was amazing! G & I saw it in NY last year but we decided to take the kids, and I was pleasantly surprised at how well they behaved & how much they enjoyed it (after last year's Lion King fiasco). B was rapt the entire time, and is begging to go back one day. L got really squirmy and said it was "great...but too long" and I had a lot of stress trying to keep him from accidentally kicking the seat of the guy in front of us who kept turning around & admonishing him during the first act. Maybe because of that, but I enjoyed the second half much more this time. So many tears.

The first show of our Broadway subscription is this week, too, and I'm really excited to see Come From Away with G. Though I'm taking the train back into town from a meeting and will barely be able to drop my stuff off and grab a slice of pizza before we have to be at the theater. I love theater.

Last but not least---I got myself out of a reading rut with 2 enjoyable books this week. I read "The Other Americans" by Leila Lamini. It was sad, and quiet, had a bit of drama/tension, and touched on a lot of tough topics in a very gentle not-in-your-face way. It was a short read, and the character development wasn't as deep, unfortunately. I'm still not sure if I like any of the characters, but maybe that's the point? I'd like to read more by her.

The second was pure fluff teenage romance---"What If its Us" by Becky Albertalli (of "Simon vs...") and Adam Silvera (who is new to me). "Simon" is one of my favorite books ever, and this had a similar vibe. Like Dawson's Creek in written form, the characters are so precocious and self-aware for their age! But the romance was beautiful, I'm a sucker for "first love" stories. It reminded me a lot of "Eleanor and Park" by Rainbow Rowell. I stayed up way too late Sunday night with this one, because it just made me happy to keep reading.

Now I have no e-books left for a bit, so I'll actually have to pick up a real book & turn my own pages like a sucker. The next e-book up on my Overdrive holds list is still 2 weeks away. (#librarypeopleproblems)

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Feeling Lighter

Finally, the blues are gone! Was it a weekend away from home? Hormones? The position of the planets in relation to the sun? Who knows and who cares, I'll take it. I'm still sick though, but decongestants and NSAIDs work wonders.

For some reason, I can no longer reply to comments on my own blog. I've tried on 2 different browsers and on my phone and the comments just disappear instead of posting. Anyone else have this issue with Blogger and if so, any solutions?

So I am reading your comments and thinking of replies, and then frustratingly cannot post them.

But to clarify about the whole "feeling your feelings" thing, I obviously cannot do this all day every day because there is *&*( to do. Ideally, I am supposed to carve out a few minutes in the day to "check in" and see how I'm feeling and acknowledge and accept whatever is there. I actually do appreciate taking a moment every morning and evening (as I walk to/from work) to see how I feel, and what I need. Time alone? Sleep? Socializing? It helps me be more intentional with any flexible parts of my day and how I use my energy.

Anyways, I'm growing to really appreciate my therapist, though I was very skeptical of the somewhat woo-woo nature of her approach at first. Like I told her at our first visit, though, nothing else has really stuck so I'm going to be open-minded and see what happens.

I had a regrettable parenting moment last weekend that we talked through today and I ended up seeing an entirely new side to B's behavior, and why he gets under my skin so easily. While its certainly easier said than done, the idea of "coming into the interaction from a place of curiosity" (her words, not mine) does seem like a better approach then trying to endure until I snap and then feel like *&^t later.

How I feel right now? Hungry. What I need. Lunch.

Friday, October 11, 2019

Power Through

Still have the blahs. Maybe its seasonal, as OMDG suggested, though doesn't seem to be easing up yet. But now I'm sick so YAY! I have a long, full day of patients (with a short mid-daybreak, that I am using to eat lunch and type this) and we are heading straight out the minute I get home for a camping trip with friends.

I briefly considering skipping out on the trip, but I already missed the last one, and this is likely our last camping weekend before next spring. And it'll probably be more relaxing than being at home feeling compelled to work and clean and shop and cook. Also the weather will be perfect and our friends are great fun.

When I talked to my therapist this week about my mood, she reiterated that the goal is to acknowledge and accept any negative feelings, instead of trying to push them down, numb, or distract, which are all my go-to methods of dealing with life. It sounds so easy in principle, but in reality...its really hard! I don't WANT to feel bad feelings. And its so easy to distract/numb with my phone, or food, or wine.

The past couple of days I've been meditating, and leaving some time for thinking/reflection as I walk to and from work. I've been writing "3 good things" in journal every day. But then last night I was exhausted, and I reached for a couple glasses of wine to relax and get through the rest of the evening.

Ah well, every day is a new start. I'm a work in progress.

Thursday, October 3, 2019


Maybe its hormonal or maybe 10 mg of Paxil is just not enough but I'm feeling super "down in the dumps" as L says, this week. Just---sad. On the verge of tears. Nothing is wrong, nothing happened, I can't pinpoint ANYTHING to explain it.

I had a fabulous weekend on my own (the play was great and the dinner was awesome). I got work done,  cooked and prepped for the week but also got to go to the play/dinner, ordered take out, slept in, and watched loads of TV.  My parents were here M-W which was nice, and absorbed some of the childcare load.

It sucks because I generally love this time of year. L's birthday is Saturday and we have a great party planned, that I still need to do a LOT to prep for, and I'm just not feeling the mojo. The thought of all that small talk and cheerfulness seems exhausting to me right now, even though I generally love all the parents and was looking forward to seeing everyone together.

Even one of my long-term patients and the MA in our clinic noticed that I seemed tired/not my usual self this week, and L made the "down in the dumps" comment, so I have to try harder to keep a smile plastered on my face I guess. Oh well, off to fake it til I make it some more!