Tuesday, July 31, 2012


 I always wanted 3 children. Growing up our family of 4 felt small & quiet. To orderly. Another child, I figured, would add some delightful chaos and asymmetry. I vowed to have 3 children, and when I mentioned it to G, he thought it sounded just dandy.

And then the realities hit. The emotional, physical, and financial expenses of infertility. Draining & debilitating (though medically uncomplicated) pregnancies. The colic and subsequent PTSD for the newborn period (really, it was that bad). There were times in B's infancy that I declared tearfully that I was never doing this again. But it passed, and we mustered up the courage & quickly went for round 2 before we lost our nerve, just to get it over with, provide our child with a sibling, and move on from the family-building. Two boys. Healthy & happy. A nice neat family.

But I don't feel done. I never understood, before, when people said they wanted more children because their families felt "incomplete", but that's what I feel right now.Our kids are so amazing, why not have more, right?

There is a "why not", though. There are several, that stop my careening dreams in their tracks. First, who knows if we can conceive another child, carry it to term, deliver a healthy baby. Who are we to expect THREE healthy children when so many have so much less? Every potential child is a gamble. A roll of the reproductive dice. A possibility of walking away from the table with nothing except lost time, money, sanity.

Honestly, I'm afraid. I've been so so lucky and I know too much and I'm afraid its our turn. That we should walk away, happy with what we have instead of being greedy and pushing our luck.

I don't know what we're going to do. I'm thankful I've got some time.


  1. Ack! More????

    Just kidding -- I'm right there with you, and I could totally see ourselves thinking, "Why not three?" also if we ever do have #2.

    Our big issue is time (I'm 35 and fast approaching residency) and $.

    I never. EVER. thought I would feel this way about having kids. The way I feel about my daughter is impossible to describe and the most wonderful thing ever, even though being a parent can be really tough sometimes.

    I look forward to hearing more about your decision!

  2. I haven't even got two and I've had some of these thoughts. The worries are so real...I wonder if you'll just discover that you've made the decision without quite knowing how it came about?

  3. I know how you feel. We did go for a third child and he is wonderful! But I had a miscarriage right before him, so I was completely freaked out the entire time, felt something horrible would be wrong with the baby, that we are, as you say, so greedy to want more than our fair share. I feel really fortunate that everything went well and he's perfect. I am really happy I don't have to go through another pregnancy -- the anxiety the third time around was devastating. I remember how clueless and thus relaxed I was with my first, even the second! Ignorance is truly bliss.

    FWIW, I now know I couldn't possibly do this again and I know our family is complete. Both older boys love the baby, even if they don't get along themselves. The baby has really brought us lots of joy.

    FWIW, I just turned 38 when I had my third child. The "morning" sickness was a bitch -- I had lost 25 pounds in the first 4 months.

    Good luck with your decision! It's tough! It took me a year to convince my husband to go for a third.