Monday, September 28, 2020

Screaming on the Inside

On the one hand, we are OK. We are healthy, physically and financially.  On the other hand, every single day is a struggle and the world is a s&*tshow and nothing is OK. 

I pingpong constantly between acceptance and rage. Gratitude and despair. Riding the wave and drowning. Work---as demanding as it is---is often the easiest, since I know what I'm supposed to be doing there. I see my patients, attend my meetings, make my lists and complete the tasks. 

Its the rest of it that befuddles me. How much should I push my kids to do their (in my mind, excessive) assignments for school? How to keep them off youtube when the district won't allow us to put parental controls on their laptops? How to reassure (without flat out lying to) the child who saw a scary ad on youtube about "bad guys coming into your house and killing you while you sleep" (!!!)  How to convince my parents to move closer to me and my sister because we worry about them? How to keep MIL happy while she is visiting, but not so happy she stays forever? 

Is writing postcards and donating $ enough? Should I be texting voters like some of my friends are doing? Should I donate more to the senate races than the president (I think yes). How to keep up even the slimmest optimism that the next 4 years will be "same as the first, a little bit louder and a lot bit worse"?

Can I invite 3 kids to an outdoor play date for L's birthday next week? How about 4? What if they bring their siblings? What is the cut off and how to enforce it? Cupcakes OK? Chips? Only in individual bags, right? We haven't even thought about a birthday present for him, my MIL already bought the 2 things he wanted, and my parents and sister want to know what to get. 

ANYWAYS. Like I said, we are all OK. Except when we're not. 


  1. I hear you. It's really hard, even when you are (in the grand scheme of things) doing 'fine'.

  2. Yup. Something in the past few days has tipped me over the edge with all of this.

    And yes, the simultaneous gratitude and rage.

  3. OMG. PLEASE don't text people. I find it SO obnoxious and have voted against (local) candidates who have texted me in the past specifically bc i find it so rude and intrusive. I'm voting for Biden but the northeast it doesn't matter.

    1. Agreed. I find all these indiscriminate mailings, reach outs, etc very strange. The last time someone showed up at my door in 2018, I had to tell them - listen, I’m on your side, but your pitch kind of stinks. Has anyone conducted a study on the effectiveness of these tactics, even if it’s just to get people to the polls?

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  5. I have unsubscribed to every political text I have received, and they just keep coming. They are so obnoxious! Going to the hospital is such a relief after being at home for so long!

  6. The previous owners of my house were Trump supporters. I would much rather get texts from Dems than the propaganda that shows up in my mailbox :)

  7. I so hear you. The everything fine until I completely explode bit is so familiar. I have been saying a lot lately that I feel like I'm living in "both/and land" ... "ping ponging" is a good way to describe it, though sometimes it's everything all at once. Hugs as you navigate this ... writing postards here too (I feel like how can people argue with "your voice matters, please vote?").

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