Monday, February 22, 2021

Where is the joy?

I have't written because I honestly had nothing to say except the same old blah. I mentioned that we are struggling, and we are. We really are. I have reached some level of burnout with work and parenting and I really need a break, but I can't take one, so I just numb myself in (mentally & physically)) unhealthy ways just to be able to make it through another day. Truly stupid and time-wasting stuff like social media, games on my phone, online window-shopping (I haven't bought anything). Or my go-to of salty, crunchy snack food and wine.  I haven't even been able to read much lately, I can't get into the story. This makes me sad, because reading is usually my go-to source of pleasure.

Its been very cold---which is fine, but also cloudy---which is not. I need sunshine like a plant. We had some this weekend and it was such a mood boost! We've had more snow than we know what to do with---it was fun at first, but now just a hassle, and is timed just right to mess up my busiest clinic days, and now I'm having to scramble to add patients into days I had blocked off for deeper work.

There are some little things I enjoy---I've been making filling and healthy soups that I look forward to eating for lunch, we made it through the 8 weeks of Liift-4 and I feel stronger (we are starting over), and I've gotten pretty good at Mario Kart with our new evening routine of a quick pre-bedtime family game. But I'm tired of my "3 good things" journal having the same highlights (except the days where I literally have nothing good to say...there are those days too).  

I did have the forethought to realize we had gotten into a rut of doing the same things every weekend (i.e. nothing), so I planned an outing last Saturday morning to a local arboretum, and lo and behold! Despite relentless grumbling all around, we all enjoyed it once we got there! So I need to keep planning new adventures. One weekend, G and I used the time the kids were on their screens to have a little mini-date afternoon, we sat and chatted and ate fancy cheese---it was really fun and a nice break. I'd love to do that more often, too. And I always feel better after some easy socializing with friends during a playdate, so again---need to make that happen. 

I got a new planner---the one I had was too small, and the paper was thin and smudgy. I realized I deserved nice tools for organizing my life, and bought a cheap but cute one with full size pages and beautiful thick paper. I spent some time this morning transferring the rest of this week's activities onto it, and I made sure to add a line for "weekend planning" on Wednesday. I guess its up to me to find the joy and make it happen. 


  1. Just wanted to send a virtual hello and a hug. I hear you. I've also reached some sort of pandemic burnout and while I can and do find those small moments of joy/pleasure/delight (I'm keeping a notebook for this purpose) my overwhelming mood/affect ranges from irritable to something that is probably depressed. Last night I locked the bathroom door and took a bath and told Tiny Boy I was tired of the conflict surrounding EVERYTHING and when he was ready for me to read/get ready for bed he should come upstairs. Which would not have happened at all, were it not for LG going upstairs (TB hates to be alone). The bath was good but really I need a long weekend with no parenting responsibilities. Perhaps I should pay LG to "babysit" on Friday. Hmmm....

  2. oh no, was the fail planner a Wonderland!? i'm so sorry if so! I love mind but a) I write small and b) have accepted that I have to use ball-point b/c otherwise smudge city . inquiring minds (okay just me) want to know what you got :)

    1. Yes it was the wonderland, its just such thin paper, and I really prefer 8.5 X 11 size since its what I'm used to. It WAS nice to be able to throw in my bag easily.