This one is much more qualitative and thus harder to measure success vs. failure so I gave myself a wishy-washy grade.
Motherhood
Original intention: fun. I want to infuse my home and family with love and laughter
Grade: B
This deserves a B because I am consciously working on it, but far from perfect. When things start to go awry (in that every-day sort of way, when nothing is really wrong, just whinier, jumpier, and grosser than I'd like), I remind myself to "just have fun". Distraction is a good technique for dealing with kids & adults alike (just ask a certain political party....). And saying "Yes" more often isn't going to turn my kids into deviants. I mean, doesn't music, crackers, or a sticker make everyone's life a little brighter?
My enemy in this is also my dearest ally---my to-do list. There are definitely times (weekday evenings specifically) where I shove aside fun to plow through my chores. I miss my boys all day yet when we all get home I half-ignore them as I rush here & there making lunches, washing bottles, and starting laundry. Sure, all of this can be done after they go to bed but that end-of-the-day alone time is so so precious to me that I try to maximize it by completing the must-dos earlier in the evening...at the expense of giving my full attention to my children.
So I'm going to add to this intention---my motherhood goals will include having fun and focus. And the to-do list gets put on hold from 6-8 pm.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
2012 Intention First Quarter Results: Health
I can't believe its already spring! I'd planned to re-assess my intentions at the change of each season, and well, here we are. I decided to give myself a grade for each intention, and to revise the ones that don't seem to work for me. Thankfully I'm starting off with one of my unequivocal successes.
Health
Original Intention: "SOME form of exercise most days---NOT including my walking commute"
Grade: A
I was off to a very slow start, with a couple of yoga classes in early January, petering off to nothing for a full month or so while dealing with L's severe sleep issues. Then in mid-February I signed up for a 10 MILE RUN in early May. The next morning, I changed into workout gear, handed G the baby, and took off with the dog. I've been running regularly---three times a week---including a "long run" on the weekends which is up to 6 miles. And I actually like it! The weather has been mostly gorgeous and its a great way to start off the day. Plus, the routine of regular exercise drives me to be more energetic while walking, playing with the boys, etc... Now the increase in energy expenditure has led to a simultaneous increase in energy consumption, so I haven't lost an ounce, but I feel better.
Happily, G (who did not sign up for the race) has also been spurred on, and we basically alternate days (except for Wednesdays which are early work days for both of us). No, I'm not hitting my original goal of daily exercise, but I think this schedule works best for my life & my family. I've read before (here) about how its easier to build a habit by practicing daily, rather than a few days a week...and I can see that---it'd be easy to put off exercising at the beginning of the week because you still have the rest of the week to finish your 3 days, or what have you. What makes this work for me is having a hard & fast schedule, I run on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday. G runs Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday. If I skip Monday, I don't have another day to make it up. And I know I need to train if I want to be able to do this race without embarrassing myself. It's also nice to have days completely off, instead of trying to even fit in push-ups or other short workouts.
Come May, when the race is said & done, I may switch out some of the running for strength-training or yoga---I definitely need to build my upper body strength, too---but I think I'll stick with: Exercise at least three days a week.
Health
Original Intention: "SOME form of exercise most days---NOT including my walking commute"
Grade: A
I was off to a very slow start, with a couple of yoga classes in early January, petering off to nothing for a full month or so while dealing with L's severe sleep issues. Then in mid-February I signed up for a 10 MILE RUN in early May. The next morning, I changed into workout gear, handed G the baby, and took off with the dog. I've been running regularly---three times a week---including a "long run" on the weekends which is up to 6 miles. And I actually like it! The weather has been mostly gorgeous and its a great way to start off the day. Plus, the routine of regular exercise drives me to be more energetic while walking, playing with the boys, etc... Now the increase in energy expenditure has led to a simultaneous increase in energy consumption, so I haven't lost an ounce, but I feel better.
Happily, G (who did not sign up for the race) has also been spurred on, and we basically alternate days (except for Wednesdays which are early work days for both of us). No, I'm not hitting my original goal of daily exercise, but I think this schedule works best for my life & my family. I've read before (here) about how its easier to build a habit by practicing daily, rather than a few days a week...and I can see that---it'd be easy to put off exercising at the beginning of the week because you still have the rest of the week to finish your 3 days, or what have you. What makes this work for me is having a hard & fast schedule, I run on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday. G runs Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday. If I skip Monday, I don't have another day to make it up. And I know I need to train if I want to be able to do this race without embarrassing myself. It's also nice to have days completely off, instead of trying to even fit in push-ups or other short workouts.
Come May, when the race is said & done, I may switch out some of the running for strength-training or yoga---I definitely need to build my upper body strength, too---but I think I'll stick with: Exercise at least three days a week.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
The Hard Part
I always found it annoying when veteran parents would say "just wait, it gets so much harder" or "bigger kids, bigger problems". Not helpful when you and your cracked & bleeding nipples are struggling to get through the soul-crushing sleep deprivation and sanity-sucking colicky days while you wonder why in the hell you decided to ruin your body, your career, your social life, and your marriage. What I want to hear is "just wait, it gets so much easier".
Because it does, in many many ways. The constant neediness fades. The having to desperately guess what the cries are for, because now he can clearly tell us what he wants (though the wants of a 2 year old are not always logical and attainable). Sometimes he can even be reasoned with, like a regular person! He naps and sleeps and eats on a predictable schedule. He can entertain himself for good chunks of time now, as long as we are nearby to offer encouragement, making it possible to get chores done around the house while he is awake. Best of all, he is developing a personality, making jokes, interacting with us & the world in sometimes surprising and hilarious ways.
But...and of course there is a but or what would be the point, right? His needs, and our jobs as parents, are getting more complex. Less physically demanding, but more emotionally and mentally intricate. A newborn's needs are simple and primal: food, sleep, holding, and stimulation in the form of fairly predictable interactions (rattling things, peek-a-boo, looking in the mirror, etc...). This is what we do for L everyday, and at this point we can do it without much thought or stress.
For B? Now we've got stuff to think about. How to discipline him, how to best encourage him to be independent and try harder before asking for help, how to deal with his shyness, how to recognize and foster his talents, and on and on.... G & I wonder, worry, read and talk a lot about these things. We are trying to make sure we are consistent with our approach, yet flexible in considering new approaches should ours seem to not be working. There is SO MUCH information out there on raising kids, but we have mutually decided to mostly use common sense and our gut instincts to find the right path.
Inherent on all this, though, is an even harder truth. One that I am hesitant to even discuss here, lest you think me a bit heartless. I've wondered if other parents think this, or if its just my cynical mind...
In those countless hours I've spent gazing at my sons as newborns, I've wondered and imagined how their lives would turn out. The possibilities were literally infinite. B could be an athlete or an artist, a scientist or a lawyer or a school teacher, the quiet bookish one or the most popular kid in school! But as he grows and his inherent personality becomes more and more evident, those possibilities, while still quite numerous, start to pare away. He is shy. He is clumsy. He is excellent at words and memorizing. He is generous and empathetic. He loves music. He loves books. He doesn't love playing with balls or getting his hands dirty. Yes, I know he's only two, but I am beginning to be able to envision more what kind of kid he's going to be....and while that kid in my mind is AMAZING....it is ever-so-slightly sad to let go of all the OTHER kinds of kids he could be. To realize that, like all of us, he will have limitations and struggles and things to overcome.
I do think some of my thoughts here are directly related to the fact that his limitations seem very similar to my own growing up. I was shy. Bookish. Clumsy. Too affected by others' opinions and too careful of others' feelings. Obsessively neat. Really good with words, and loved to read and write. No interest in sports. I know what kind of struggles are in store, and I want to spare him. But as much as I wish for my golden child to live a golden life...I can't make that happen. I love him the way he is, and my main job is to make sure he knows that.
Because it does, in many many ways. The constant neediness fades. The having to desperately guess what the cries are for, because now he can clearly tell us what he wants (though the wants of a 2 year old are not always logical and attainable). Sometimes he can even be reasoned with, like a regular person! He naps and sleeps and eats on a predictable schedule. He can entertain himself for good chunks of time now, as long as we are nearby to offer encouragement, making it possible to get chores done around the house while he is awake. Best of all, he is developing a personality, making jokes, interacting with us & the world in sometimes surprising and hilarious ways.
But...and of course there is a but or what would be the point, right? His needs, and our jobs as parents, are getting more complex. Less physically demanding, but more emotionally and mentally intricate. A newborn's needs are simple and primal: food, sleep, holding, and stimulation in the form of fairly predictable interactions (rattling things, peek-a-boo, looking in the mirror, etc...). This is what we do for L everyday, and at this point we can do it without much thought or stress.
For B? Now we've got stuff to think about. How to discipline him, how to best encourage him to be independent and try harder before asking for help, how to deal with his shyness, how to recognize and foster his talents, and on and on.... G & I wonder, worry, read and talk a lot about these things. We are trying to make sure we are consistent with our approach, yet flexible in considering new approaches should ours seem to not be working. There is SO MUCH information out there on raising kids, but we have mutually decided to mostly use common sense and our gut instincts to find the right path.
Inherent on all this, though, is an even harder truth. One that I am hesitant to even discuss here, lest you think me a bit heartless. I've wondered if other parents think this, or if its just my cynical mind...
In those countless hours I've spent gazing at my sons as newborns, I've wondered and imagined how their lives would turn out. The possibilities were literally infinite. B could be an athlete or an artist, a scientist or a lawyer or a school teacher, the quiet bookish one or the most popular kid in school! But as he grows and his inherent personality becomes more and more evident, those possibilities, while still quite numerous, start to pare away. He is shy. He is clumsy. He is excellent at words and memorizing. He is generous and empathetic. He loves music. He loves books. He doesn't love playing with balls or getting his hands dirty. Yes, I know he's only two, but I am beginning to be able to envision more what kind of kid he's going to be....and while that kid in my mind is AMAZING....it is ever-so-slightly sad to let go of all the OTHER kinds of kids he could be. To realize that, like all of us, he will have limitations and struggles and things to overcome.
I do think some of my thoughts here are directly related to the fact that his limitations seem very similar to my own growing up. I was shy. Bookish. Clumsy. Too affected by others' opinions and too careful of others' feelings. Obsessively neat. Really good with words, and loved to read and write. No interest in sports. I know what kind of struggles are in store, and I want to spare him. But as much as I wish for my golden child to live a golden life...I can't make that happen. I love him the way he is, and my main job is to make sure he knows that.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Crabcakes
And not the delicious kind I sometimes order for lunch served with mayonnaise on a brioche roll.
Dealt with a major case of the cranky-pants at our house this morning, and unfortunately it was NOT the baby or even the toddler. I know exactly how to deal with those---how to rock, feed, distract, amuse the wee ones into coos or giggles or some semblance of calmness. And, no, it wasn't me. I can deal with that, too...extra coffee, reading an uplifting blog, promising myself a yummy breakfast when I get to work. This time is was the man-of-the-house, G.
You've all heard of the man-cold, right? How any minor illness escalates to epic deathbed, nursemaid-needing status when the inflicted happens be a full-fledged adult with a Y chromosome? G is actually quite a trooper, trudging along and doing his duty. But here we get the man-crankiness. Wherein an (admittedly trying) pile-up of minor annoyances turns into...the end of the freaking world as we know it. Woke up late, toddler having a tantrum, pants need ironing...cue the exaggerated sighing, cursing, snapping (at wife, children, dog), proclamations of doom and flinging about of items.
The thing is, I'm trying to be all calm and zen and happy-go-lucky and he's killing my buzz. Its really really hard to maintain my serenity (or even my sanity) in the face of such unbridled pessimism and negativity. I try to cajole him out of it, or completely ignore it, but the fact is, negative energy just seems so much stronger than positive energy...because in the end, the bad mood wins. No matter how energized and motivated I was when I walked in the door after my run, by the time we left the house for work 45 minutes later, I was kind of bummed.I vented to a friend at work (while having an extra cup of coffee and a delicious breakfast), who's been married 20 years and totally gets it. And now I'm blogging about it. I feel much better already!
I think this falls into the "you can only change yourself" category, because I seriously suspect that G wouldn't take too kindly to me telling him to "not be in such a bad mood". I suppose the best thing is to acknowledge (briefly) how awful and annoying his morning was and let him vent a bit, but then go about my day. Maybe I'll test that out next time we have the cranks (hopefully far in the future!!!)
Dealt with a major case of the cranky-pants at our house this morning, and unfortunately it was NOT the baby or even the toddler. I know exactly how to deal with those---how to rock, feed, distract, amuse the wee ones into coos or giggles or some semblance of calmness. And, no, it wasn't me. I can deal with that, too...extra coffee, reading an uplifting blog, promising myself a yummy breakfast when I get to work. This time is was the man-of-the-house, G.
You've all heard of the man-cold, right? How any minor illness escalates to epic deathbed, nursemaid-needing status when the inflicted happens be a full-fledged adult with a Y chromosome? G is actually quite a trooper, trudging along and doing his duty. But here we get the man-crankiness. Wherein an (admittedly trying) pile-up of minor annoyances turns into...the end of the freaking world as we know it. Woke up late, toddler having a tantrum, pants need ironing...cue the exaggerated sighing, cursing, snapping (at wife, children, dog), proclamations of doom and flinging about of items.
The thing is, I'm trying to be all calm and zen and happy-go-lucky and he's killing my buzz. Its really really hard to maintain my serenity (or even my sanity) in the face of such unbridled pessimism and negativity. I try to cajole him out of it, or completely ignore it, but the fact is, negative energy just seems so much stronger than positive energy...because in the end, the bad mood wins. No matter how energized and motivated I was when I walked in the door after my run, by the time we left the house for work 45 minutes later, I was kind of bummed.I vented to a friend at work (while having an extra cup of coffee and a delicious breakfast), who's been married 20 years and totally gets it. And now I'm blogging about it. I feel much better already!
I think this falls into the "you can only change yourself" category, because I seriously suspect that G wouldn't take too kindly to me telling him to "not be in such a bad mood". I suppose the best thing is to acknowledge (briefly) how awful and annoying his morning was and let him vent a bit, but then go about my day. Maybe I'll test that out next time we have the cranks (hopefully far in the future!!!)
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Pink
So G, trying to be all efficient and such, went to the drugstore after work this week and picked up 2 packs of generic pull-ups for daycare.
Side note: I hate the idea of pull-ups and we only get them because the daycare insisted we do so when B moved to the toddler 2 room. I mean, they are less-absorbent but more expensive diapers. Why not use diapers until you can use underwear. Waste of money. End rant.
Anyways, we were totally out so I ripped open the package and put them on B and they fell right off. Looked at the sizing. Two sizes too big.
We had already opened one pack so we "saved" it (here's to hoping we will never use it because I certainly don't expect to be still toilet-training B 2 years from now) and G exchanged the other pack. But all they had in B's size were the pink package. Whatevs, right? B loves his pink crayon and always asks for the pink vitamin. I figured these would have a pink animal themed waistband, similar to the other ones. Nope. The next day I ripped open the pack and found pale pink training pants covered in princesses and fairy wands. B didn't care a fig..."ooh pink ones" and he stepped right into them.
The incident made me think about the gender-stereotyping of our teeny tiny kids. I mean, why do the pull-ups have to be different? It said nothing on the package about padding in different places, and really, diapers are unisex...why are 2T pull-ups gendered? And why oh why oh why do manufacturers INSIST on pink princesses and fairies on any product marketed to girls and sports items and cars for boys. First of all, really anything should be fair game for either girls or boys. Second, if you are going to insist that princesses are not for boys and dump trucks are not for girls, well then what about selling things that are universally loved by all kids, like animals or food?
Its bad enough with the newborn gear, but as B is getting older, the clothes are more ridiculous with monsters and scary dinosaurs on the boy PJs whereas the girl PJs have things he might actually LIKE, such as teddy bears and cupcakes, but in pale pink and purple and festooned with sparkles. Pastels don't go with our skin tone.
So he is wearing the pink pull-ups and I'm feeling a bit smug about defying gender stereotypes. The next day, I'm getting B ready for the day and again, need a pull-up. I yell out to G, "hey, where'd you put those girly pull-ups?" Oops. I think I have some more work to do, these things run deep.
Side note: I hate the idea of pull-ups and we only get them because the daycare insisted we do so when B moved to the toddler 2 room. I mean, they are less-absorbent but more expensive diapers. Why not use diapers until you can use underwear. Waste of money. End rant.
Anyways, we were totally out so I ripped open the package and put them on B and they fell right off. Looked at the sizing. Two sizes too big.
We had already opened one pack so we "saved" it (here's to hoping we will never use it because I certainly don't expect to be still toilet-training B 2 years from now) and G exchanged the other pack. But all they had in B's size were the pink package. Whatevs, right? B loves his pink crayon and always asks for the pink vitamin. I figured these would have a pink animal themed waistband, similar to the other ones. Nope. The next day I ripped open the pack and found pale pink training pants covered in princesses and fairy wands. B didn't care a fig..."ooh pink ones" and he stepped right into them.
The incident made me think about the gender-stereotyping of our teeny tiny kids. I mean, why do the pull-ups have to be different? It said nothing on the package about padding in different places, and really, diapers are unisex...why are 2T pull-ups gendered? And why oh why oh why do manufacturers INSIST on pink princesses and fairies on any product marketed to girls and sports items and cars for boys. First of all, really anything should be fair game for either girls or boys. Second, if you are going to insist that princesses are not for boys and dump trucks are not for girls, well then what about selling things that are universally loved by all kids, like animals or food?
Its bad enough with the newborn gear, but as B is getting older, the clothes are more ridiculous with monsters and scary dinosaurs on the boy PJs whereas the girl PJs have things he might actually LIKE, such as teddy bears and cupcakes, but in pale pink and purple and festooned with sparkles. Pastels don't go with our skin tone.
So he is wearing the pink pull-ups and I'm feeling a bit smug about defying gender stereotypes. The next day, I'm getting B ready for the day and again, need a pull-up. I yell out to G, "hey, where'd you put those girly pull-ups?" Oops. I think I have some more work to do, these things run deep.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
On Routines...
G started a new project at work this work. He was chatting with a colleague about how chaotic it all seemed right now, but that the days would soon fall into a routine. They both simultaneously sighed "I LOVE routine!"
As a parent, routines are a must. Experts say that kids thrive on routine and it definitely seems true for ours. Sleep, food, exercise, and downtime--all of these things are necessary at certain times of day and without them kids get cranky and overwhelmed.
I've noticed, though, that I thrive on routine just as much as my children. This is why weekends overwhelm & stress me sometimes---we wake up Saturday morning, and though we have a list of things we want and need to do, we don't always have a game plan as to how and when they will happen. G, though he says he "loves routine" , is actually quite resistant to making plans. In fact, I feel like I'm nagging when I ask him repeatedly to sit down and plan the day (this JUST happened, I went down and asked him what he wanted to get done, told him my list, and then asked..."so how should we do it"...and he sighed and said "I don't know, just take a shower now and we'll figure it out").
I think the words "schedule" and "order" can be off-putting to some people. It sounds very forced and unnatural...totalitarian and strict. Kind of "we run a tight ship around here."
Replace those words with "rhythm" and "routine", and you get a whole different, much more organic and natural, feel to essentially the same concept. The days have a natural rhythm---incorporating your body's and household's needs as well as allowing time for relaxation and socialization.
But that requires an explicit or implicit schedule that everyone is on board with. Being PRO-active instead of RE-active and just running around dealing with whatever comes up and feeling like we can't get ahead and then the day is over and we haven't done anything truly fun. If we sit down together and decide what we will do when, we can move through our day without arguing multiple times about what to do, all the must-dos will be done, and we can look forward to the fun activities that we planned. When I know what to expect I am not anxious. When I know when the tasks need to be done, I can do them without feeling overwhelmed.
I think I'll go downstairs and nag again...I need to know what's ahead of me today!
As a parent, routines are a must. Experts say that kids thrive on routine and it definitely seems true for ours. Sleep, food, exercise, and downtime--all of these things are necessary at certain times of day and without them kids get cranky and overwhelmed.
I've noticed, though, that I thrive on routine just as much as my children. This is why weekends overwhelm & stress me sometimes---we wake up Saturday morning, and though we have a list of things we want and need to do, we don't always have a game plan as to how and when they will happen. G, though he says he "loves routine" , is actually quite resistant to making plans. In fact, I feel like I'm nagging when I ask him repeatedly to sit down and plan the day (this JUST happened, I went down and asked him what he wanted to get done, told him my list, and then asked..."so how should we do it"...and he sighed and said "I don't know, just take a shower now and we'll figure it out").
I think the words "schedule" and "order" can be off-putting to some people. It sounds very forced and unnatural...totalitarian and strict. Kind of "we run a tight ship around here."
Replace those words with "rhythm" and "routine", and you get a whole different, much more organic and natural, feel to essentially the same concept. The days have a natural rhythm---incorporating your body's and household's needs as well as allowing time for relaxation and socialization.
But that requires an explicit or implicit schedule that everyone is on board with. Being PRO-active instead of RE-active and just running around dealing with whatever comes up and feeling like we can't get ahead and then the day is over and we haven't done anything truly fun. If we sit down together and decide what we will do when, we can move through our day without arguing multiple times about what to do, all the must-dos will be done, and we can look forward to the fun activities that we planned. When I know what to expect I am not anxious. When I know when the tasks need to be done, I can do them without feeling overwhelmed.
I think I'll go downstairs and nag again...I need to know what's ahead of me today!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Reminder
After several months in our new lab building, I finally figured out the back entrance, which saves me some time getting to and from the lab. The back way requires walking through a patient care area and a waiting room. For radiation oncology. No matter how early or late I come and go, the waiting room is always packed. Every single morning and evening, as I rush through planning the work day or the evening ahead, my mind is stopped in its tracks by this sight. Because all these people, young & old, together or alone, here for themselves or for a loved one...all these people were once rushing to their own jobs or home to their own families, with nothing on their minds other than a to-do list, a dinner recipe, or what movie to watch after dinner. Every day I am jolted into the realization that nothing is permanent and that the drudgery and hustle-bustle of ordinary life is an incredible blessing.
I could walk around to the front of the building and spare myself the emotional pang, but I don't. I like the reminder.
I could walk around to the front of the building and spare myself the emotional pang, but I don't. I like the reminder.
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