I always say goodnight to my kids like this: "Goodnight, I love you, I'll see you in the morning". The "morning" part was obviously a joke for many months, we all knew I'd be seeing them multiple times before morning. When L finally started talking, he liked to jump in and sing-song the "mor...ning" part. One night I was telling him how I'd see him when he woke up and we'd go downstairs and eat oatmeal (which he demands immediately upon arising every morning). So when I said goodnight to him, he substituted "oatmeal" for "morning". (Well, actually he says "annam", which is his own made-up word for "oatmeal") And now that's our thing.
Its been our thing for at least a few months now but I'm sure the days are numbered. In fact, he already switched from "annam" to "oa-mee" and now to perfectly enunciated "oat-meal".
I miss "annam".
I've been struck lately by how fleeting it all is, how impermanent. As much as I look forward to seeing what new and amazing thing is next, I can't help feel a bit wistful for what is already behind us. All the little jokes and rituals---they come and go so quickly that I sometimes never get a chance to savor the sweetness.
Lately I really feel like time is speeding up. Wasn't it just winter? I remember counting down for spring, checking the weather report every day for warmer temperatures and a minute each day of more sunlight. And now spring is more than halfway over? Summer will come and go. L will turn three this fall. THREE. Not a baby anymore at three.
B is four and a half. We have a year and a half before kindergarten. That sounds like a lot, but I know its not. And I've heard it over and over from friends and colleagues that things get infinitely more complicated when you have a kid in school. Our leisurely mornings and unplanned evenings are not going to last forever. Weekends where the kids want to be with us and only us, also limited.
I say this again and again, but I really want to step back from the busyness and enjoy our summer. G and I talked a couple of weeks ago about moving a lot of our weekend chores to the weeknights. Instead of the two of us watching TV while the kids slept, we could get our stuff done and have a chance to relax or have adventures all together on the weekends. I'd like to start implementing that this weekend, its supposed to be a lovely one. We also discussed making a summer fun list---I was shocked that G actually suggested this, its not his way to plan things or to even be excited about any family activities---and I'm going to start on that tonight.
And its not just about the kids. Maybe it came from having another birthday (I'm 38 + 3 days old now, will tell the tale of the horrible birthday another time), but I feel like I've entered another stage in life and I'm ready to embrace it. I want to spend my time and energy a lot more intentionally because I know its not infinite. More on that to come, but I definitely know what I want to weed out of my life, and am considering what (if anything) I want to add in.
I've got about 10 posts lined up, and I'm planning to write a lot more regularly over the next few weeks. So I'll see you all in the...
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Brain Dump
I have about a dozen things I want to write about, but my evenings are busy with catching up on Game of Thrones so bullet points it is!
- Major LOLs for suggesting my MIL assist with settling into routines. She is the anti-thesis of routines. Doesn't believe in: bed-time, limits on sugar and screen-time, any forms of discipline for the kids. Its been OK so far, while she doesn't help promote the routine she has gotten much better at not subverting our efforts.
- I ran the 10 miler this Sunday. Last time I did it (2 years ago) it was an awesome, exhilarating experience. This time it sucked. I got a headache 3 miles in that turned into a major migraine and basically I lost the whole day afterwards. My time was abysmal. I did, however, finish. I went for a 3-mile run Tuesday and it was glorious. I hope to continue running this spring before it gets too hot. I noticed that (aside from Sunday's migraine experience), the long runs I've been doing most weekends were really really amazing for stress-relief and moderating my mood/temper all weekend. It only worked if I ran more than an hour, though.
- The kids are driving us all bananas with their constant physical violence against each other. Its easier to keep them completely separated at all times, but then how will they ever learn to play together nicely? They just have to go out of their way to constantly hit/push-over/bite/step-on each other until someone (almost always L) ends up in tears. This begins with our morning stop in the bathroom and continues through bedtime stories.
- I've realized something about myself---I've become pretty lazy. I really just want to chill out. Maybe its spring fever? I have no desire to do anything, including my paid work. Obviously I do what I need to do, but its like pulling teeth every day.
- There is a huge backlog of things I really really want to get through, particularly as we have some extra child-care help this month:
- organize and purge my clothes, return on-line purchases that didn't work out, get a sense of what I need for the summer
- go to garden center for seeds & plants and set up window-boxes and container garden
- plan out summer travel, price & buy tickets
- financial overhaul
- find and set up meeting with financial planner (yes, yes, I know this isn't necessary & may be a waste of $$, but since neither of us have a head for this kind of thing, it may be helpful for our peace of mind to make sure we aren't making any major mistakes. and if we are, fixing them asap).
- Set up schedule to review credit card bills, bank statements, etc...
- Look into loose "fun money" budget for each of us and for kids' stuff. I just don't feel like I have a handle on where our money is going.
- Taxes went up like 400% this year (major tax overhaul by city...its actually more fair this way, but...yikes) and we need to make sure we can make the new mortgage/escrow payments.
- deal with pile on desk---some of this (i.e. license renewal for license expiring in 2 weeks) is important stuff
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Unsettled
I've become, as I've mentioned, more and more of a creature of habit these days. I remember the days when I'd eagerly anticipate any change from the boring old routines of life, but now I crave the familiar rhythms of our days. I feel like my energy ebbs and flows so I can keep up with the expected demands of each day. So when the routine is thrown off, I feel...off.
We were traveling last week, in many respects a lovely break, to visit my family and celebrate my father's 70th birthday (it was a surprise, it was actually really awesome to be able to do that for him). There were 4 little kids and the demands therein, but otherwise a complete lack of structure to keep me on track. My mind wandered, I did not exercise at all, I ate terribly, I slept poorly, I read a lot but also wasted a lot of time on stupid internet stuff and silly i-phone games.
The kids had a blast playing with their cousins---for the first time it really seemed that they were building a relationship, with inside jokes and made up games---it melted my heart to see that. But there was also a lot of bad behavior requiring disciplining (and, unfortunately, yelling). They were over-tired, over-sugared, over-stimulated, and thus over-terrible from time to time. I was really sad to leave, I had looked forward to this trip for months, since we first planned it. I was also really looking forward to getting back to our routine for a few days.
We got home Tuesday evening---the kids were fabulous on the plane, L even napped! G went out to get groceries and pick up the dog, and I set the kids up for dinner while I unpacked some, made lunches, cleaned. As I did each task, I felt the pieces settling back into place. By the time the boys were bathed and brushed and snuggled in for stories, I was snapped back together.
But alas, its short-lived. My MIL is coming this Saturday for 3 weeks, and the last week in May we are all 5 going to her city for a family event. Things will be way way way off any kind of routine for 3 and a half weeks. I'm trying to learn to be OK with that.
We were traveling last week, in many respects a lovely break, to visit my family and celebrate my father's 70th birthday (it was a surprise, it was actually really awesome to be able to do that for him). There were 4 little kids and the demands therein, but otherwise a complete lack of structure to keep me on track. My mind wandered, I did not exercise at all, I ate terribly, I slept poorly, I read a lot but also wasted a lot of time on stupid internet stuff and silly i-phone games.
The kids had a blast playing with their cousins---for the first time it really seemed that they were building a relationship, with inside jokes and made up games---it melted my heart to see that. But there was also a lot of bad behavior requiring disciplining (and, unfortunately, yelling). They were over-tired, over-sugared, over-stimulated, and thus over-terrible from time to time. I was really sad to leave, I had looked forward to this trip for months, since we first planned it. I was also really looking forward to getting back to our routine for a few days.
We got home Tuesday evening---the kids were fabulous on the plane, L even napped! G went out to get groceries and pick up the dog, and I set the kids up for dinner while I unpacked some, made lunches, cleaned. As I did each task, I felt the pieces settling back into place. By the time the boys were bathed and brushed and snuggled in for stories, I was snapped back together.
But alas, its short-lived. My MIL is coming this Saturday for 3 weeks, and the last week in May we are all 5 going to her city for a family event. Things will be way way way off any kind of routine for 3 and a half weeks. I'm trying to learn to be OK with that.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Meta
Otherwise known as, the obligatory blogging about blogging post. This is inspired by Sarah's recent post reflecting on her nearly-decade old (!!!) blog, which just happened to come at a time when I've been similarly weighing the pros and cons of continuing to spend my time and energy here and contemplating new ways to keep it fresh and interesting.
When I took my recent unintended "break", it did occur to me that this could be permanent. I didn't have to muster up the motivation to generate new content. Its a hobby I'm doing solely for myself, not a commitment I've made to anyone. It wasn't that I didn't want to keep writing. I'm just a generally…lazy type of person. An object at rest and all that. The longer I go without doing something, even something I really enjoy, the more motivation and energy it takes for me to get back into the habit (see: exercise. also…sex). Sometimes I do have to push myself over the hump, and then I'm good to go.
Why do I enjoy blogging? Mainly its the sense of community. I like virtually discussing things with you guys, getting your thoughts on my little dilemmas, weighing in on yours. A comment on Sarah's post (by OMDG) brought up the question of whether having this virtual community takes away from the desire/motivation to find and nurture off-line friendships. To some extent, this may be true. But mostly I feel that the relationships I've developed here are more of a complement than a substitute to real-life social interactions. And, as I've mentioned before, there really are some topics that are off-limits in many of my IRL friendships. Its not that I'm talking about it here instead of with non-blog friends---I'm talking about it here instead of not talking about it at all.
I also find it therapeutic to write things out, it helps me process and confront my issues. I'm extremely conflict-averse, and prone to avoid even thinking about upsetting topics, but having to write about what's going on in my life---and striving to be honest about it---pushes me to unearth things I would've left buried. I honestly don't think I'd have started actively working on my marriage (and we're already seeing rewards!) if I hadn't been blogging.
So, yes, I plan to continue blogging. And I'll probably spend the bulk of my time here on the same old topics of work, marriage, motherhood. Maybe I'll throw in some more diverse topics---I do think about other stuff, like politics, feminism, TV, fashion, etc… Given that I can and do often discuss those things with friends, acquaintances, my husband, they are less critical to delve into here---but I'm also interested to hear your take on those things.
Ha! You're stuck with me, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon!!!
When I took my recent unintended "break", it did occur to me that this could be permanent. I didn't have to muster up the motivation to generate new content. Its a hobby I'm doing solely for myself, not a commitment I've made to anyone. It wasn't that I didn't want to keep writing. I'm just a generally…lazy type of person. An object at rest and all that. The longer I go without doing something, even something I really enjoy, the more motivation and energy it takes for me to get back into the habit (see: exercise. also…sex). Sometimes I do have to push myself over the hump, and then I'm good to go.
Why do I enjoy blogging? Mainly its the sense of community. I like virtually discussing things with you guys, getting your thoughts on my little dilemmas, weighing in on yours. A comment on Sarah's post (by OMDG) brought up the question of whether having this virtual community takes away from the desire/motivation to find and nurture off-line friendships. To some extent, this may be true. But mostly I feel that the relationships I've developed here are more of a complement than a substitute to real-life social interactions. And, as I've mentioned before, there really are some topics that are off-limits in many of my IRL friendships. Its not that I'm talking about it here instead of with non-blog friends---I'm talking about it here instead of not talking about it at all.
I also find it therapeutic to write things out, it helps me process and confront my issues. I'm extremely conflict-averse, and prone to avoid even thinking about upsetting topics, but having to write about what's going on in my life---and striving to be honest about it---pushes me to unearth things I would've left buried. I honestly don't think I'd have started actively working on my marriage (and we're already seeing rewards!) if I hadn't been blogging.
So, yes, I plan to continue blogging. And I'll probably spend the bulk of my time here on the same old topics of work, marriage, motherhood. Maybe I'll throw in some more diverse topics---I do think about other stuff, like politics, feminism, TV, fashion, etc… Given that I can and do often discuss those things with friends, acquaintances, my husband, they are less critical to delve into here---but I'm also interested to hear your take on those things.
Ha! You're stuck with me, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon!!!
Thursday, April 10, 2014
How 'bout me?
G & I joke that we need that title emblazoned across a T-shirt for L, because he says it upwards of 50 times a day. Anytime we do anything with B, hug him, tickle him, tell him a joke or a story, tell him to do something...sure enough "How bout me?" repeated until we do the same to L. Also heard upwards of 50 times per day in our house is "Aargh, isn't he the cutest?" Because he is. He is one of those kids that people stop to comment on...big eyes, bilateral dimples, long eyelashes, wicked smile, and a ready "HI!" to anyone in earshot.
L is our snugglebug...he'll happily cuddle on my chest. He's still into "BUTTIE" (belly button), and I have to watch out in public because he's prone to pull up my shirt and exposure my least favorite body part to the world. He sucks his thumb whenever he sleeps, is sleepy, is upset, or is wary of a new situation.
He'll greet strangers all the live long day, but gets shy when someone actually talks to him. He loves to make funny faces or do little dances to make us laugh.
L is also my naughty one. He'll take B's things and purposefully run away with them, throw them down the stairs, shut the door and proclaim "That's BETTer!" He says that like a cartoon villain with the catch-phrases...he KNOWS we think its funny. He is the one to throw things into the toilet, or dump out an entire GALLON of liquid soap on our bedroom floor after lugging it up TWO FLIGHTS of stairs. He'll push the step stool over to where ever he's not supposed to reach, get what he wants, and stealthily move it back (this is where we usually catch him).
He loves everything his brother loves, like Toy Story, scootering, painting and Laurie Berkner. He still can't figure out how puzzles work but wants to do them and then "HELP me!" but "NO, MY turn" when we try to show him how it goes. He is very much my "Do it self" or more accurately "I try!!" kid. He has gotten really good with the paintbrush, and the scooter outside just by sheer obstinance.
And boy this kid could make a mule look like a pansy-ass pushover with his stubborness. There is no reasoning with him when he wants something. There isn't a punishment or argument in the world that would get him to change his mind. Either we give in, or he cries/screams/rages himself out---and then continues to bring it up for the next 3 days. I tried to take him up for a nap last Sunday, he used to be OK with napping with us in the bed, but as soon as we got up there he lashed out, clawed at my eyes and pulled my hair and screamed until I brought him downstairs and he snuggled on my chest and sucked his thumb.
Food is a major area where the obstinance kicks in. The kid exits almost completely on fruits and the syrup he sucks out of the waffle in the morning. He used to eat oatmeal every day but lately has asked for other things that he completely ignores. The one food he eats is tacos. His favorite book is "Dragons love tacos". Coincidence?
Tantrums and all, L is a delight. He keeps all 4 of us laughing every day. I can't wait to see him grow up, I'm sure it will be entertaining if nothing else.
L is our snugglebug...he'll happily cuddle on my chest. He's still into "BUTTIE" (belly button), and I have to watch out in public because he's prone to pull up my shirt and exposure my least favorite body part to the world. He sucks his thumb whenever he sleeps, is sleepy, is upset, or is wary of a new situation.
He'll greet strangers all the live long day, but gets shy when someone actually talks to him. He loves to make funny faces or do little dances to make us laugh.
L is also my naughty one. He'll take B's things and purposefully run away with them, throw them down the stairs, shut the door and proclaim "That's BETTer!" He says that like a cartoon villain with the catch-phrases...he KNOWS we think its funny. He is the one to throw things into the toilet, or dump out an entire GALLON of liquid soap on our bedroom floor after lugging it up TWO FLIGHTS of stairs. He'll push the step stool over to where ever he's not supposed to reach, get what he wants, and stealthily move it back (this is where we usually catch him).
He loves everything his brother loves, like Toy Story, scootering, painting and Laurie Berkner. He still can't figure out how puzzles work but wants to do them and then "HELP me!" but "NO, MY turn" when we try to show him how it goes. He is very much my "Do it self" or more accurately "I try!!" kid. He has gotten really good with the paintbrush, and the scooter outside just by sheer obstinance.
And boy this kid could make a mule look like a pansy-ass pushover with his stubborness. There is no reasoning with him when he wants something. There isn't a punishment or argument in the world that would get him to change his mind. Either we give in, or he cries/screams/rages himself out---and then continues to bring it up for the next 3 days. I tried to take him up for a nap last Sunday, he used to be OK with napping with us in the bed, but as soon as we got up there he lashed out, clawed at my eyes and pulled my hair and screamed until I brought him downstairs and he snuggled on my chest and sucked his thumb.
Food is a major area where the obstinance kicks in. The kid exits almost completely on fruits and the syrup he sucks out of the waffle in the morning. He used to eat oatmeal every day but lately has asked for other things that he completely ignores. The one food he eats is tacos. His favorite book is "Dragons love tacos". Coincidence?
Tantrums and all, L is a delight. He keeps all 4 of us laughing every day. I can't wait to see him grow up, I'm sure it will be entertaining if nothing else.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Cherish
B loves to listen to music. His current favorite CD is Madonna's Immaculate Collection (I wonder who prompted that one…) and his favorite track is #14 (he memorizes the NUMBER of the songs so he can find it on the laptop and put it on…his work-around for not being able to read). You know the one "So tired of broken hearts and losing at this game..Before I start this dance, I take a chance, in telling you I want more than just romance…" (totally appropriate 4-year old boy song, but at least better than the one he used to like "Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me, I think they're OK…") We like to put it on and have a little dance party. B, L, and I can really break it down!
B at 4 is constantly fascinating and infuriating me. I love his curiosity, his humor, his love of words and puns and stories. We share little inside jokes, he tells me about his dreams, he asks some really great questions that force us both to learn about new topics (most recently, sewage treatment plants because "but what happens to the poop mommy?"). I love his enthusiasm for music, painting, mixing and seasoning in the kitchen, running and climbing. In many ways he's a typical kid, in others, he is decidedly unique. He once spent 30 minutes re-arranging our pile of shoes near the front door, trying and re-trying with single-minded determination to make them all fit on the boot tray like it was a game of Tetris. He tells me he wants to be a girl so he can have long hair and wear barrettes, but the next day he wants a haircut because he can't see when hair is in his face.
I can't stand the whining, the feigned helplessness, the constant "I can't do it" and "I NEVER get to do xyz" (with xyz=something he was literally just doing, but had to stop for health/safety/time reasons).
He's smart, but he doesn't like to try, which worries me for his future. I am trying to instill a growth mindset, but he is pretty stubborn in his insistence that he "can't do anything"(swimming, soccer, putting his clothes on) because its not easy. He is just as stubborn in his insistence that he actually does "know everything"(how to keep himself safe, choose healthy foods) when he doesn't like what we are trying to teach him. He likes to make excuses for his bad behavior, or shunt the blame to someone/something else; I assume this is normal behavior for 4 year olds and 20 years and 40 year olds alike.
My time with B is full of contradictions. I both look forward to and dread the morning and bedtime routines. I can't wait for the weekend, and can't wait for it to be over some times. I am cherishing the joyful moments, and slogging through the monotony of constant reprimanding/scolding/reminding. As G said it so succinctly this weekend "This parenting thing is HARD". But awesome. Really awesome.
But also hard.
B at 4 is constantly fascinating and infuriating me. I love his curiosity, his humor, his love of words and puns and stories. We share little inside jokes, he tells me about his dreams, he asks some really great questions that force us both to learn about new topics (most recently, sewage treatment plants because "but what happens to the poop mommy?"). I love his enthusiasm for music, painting, mixing and seasoning in the kitchen, running and climbing. In many ways he's a typical kid, in others, he is decidedly unique. He once spent 30 minutes re-arranging our pile of shoes near the front door, trying and re-trying with single-minded determination to make them all fit on the boot tray like it was a game of Tetris. He tells me he wants to be a girl so he can have long hair and wear barrettes, but the next day he wants a haircut because he can't see when hair is in his face.
I can't stand the whining, the feigned helplessness, the constant "I can't do it" and "I NEVER get to do xyz" (with xyz=something he was literally just doing, but had to stop for health/safety/time reasons).
He's smart, but he doesn't like to try, which worries me for his future. I am trying to instill a growth mindset, but he is pretty stubborn in his insistence that he "can't do anything"(swimming, soccer, putting his clothes on) because its not easy. He is just as stubborn in his insistence that he actually does "know everything"(how to keep himself safe, choose healthy foods) when he doesn't like what we are trying to teach him. He likes to make excuses for his bad behavior, or shunt the blame to someone/something else; I assume this is normal behavior for 4 year olds and 20 years and 40 year olds alike.
My time with B is full of contradictions. I both look forward to and dread the morning and bedtime routines. I can't wait for the weekend, and can't wait for it to be over some times. I am cherishing the joyful moments, and slogging through the monotony of constant reprimanding/scolding/reminding. As G said it so succinctly this weekend "This parenting thing is HARD". But awesome. Really awesome.
But also hard.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Jumping right back in
I didn't really mean to disappear. Nothing changed or happened, I was just spending my time doing other things---reading books, becoming addicted to a stupid i-phone game, taking the kids to the park after work, reading more books, on-line shopping, and trying to get through Season 7 of the West Wing. So...pretty much status quo.
I'm so relieved that its finally spring. Even though its been in the 30s the past few mornings, requiring winter coats, at least its light out. There are finally some cherry blossoms in bloom, and weeds are poking through in our planters. Its time to schedule the dreaded garden store run (either we all go, and its chaos, or G goes and I watch the kids for 4 hours straight).
I had a pretty easy weekend of call. Both days I was out of here by 11AM...which was a mixed blessing. I got all the stress of early morning rounds PLUS all the child-care and chores of a normal weekend. And no chance to go for a run (or have a glass of wine) to relieve the stress of it all.
I'm still working on my resolutions for the year. I think I'll be working on them for months, if not years, if not the rest of my life. The things we struggle with, I think they are always struggles in some ways. Hopefully the tiny changes I'm making now will help things be a bit smoother down the road, though.
I've noticed that its about the choices I make. Not the big sweeping ones, like who to marry or where to live...but the tiny ones, like how to react to B hitting L in the face, or G leaving the dishes for me to wash when I also put the kids to bed. How to handle being 20 minutes late in the morning and the kids are still dawdling, or exhausted at night and they want "one more story mommy!". How to respond to the annoying email, or answer the same question the 5th time from a concerned patient. Lots and lots of little choices throughout the course of a day. I hope to choose right more often.
Every day I wake up and make the conscious decision to try to do the right thing. And then when I fail (I always do, in big or small ways), I decide to try again.
I'm so relieved that its finally spring. Even though its been in the 30s the past few mornings, requiring winter coats, at least its light out. There are finally some cherry blossoms in bloom, and weeds are poking through in our planters. Its time to schedule the dreaded garden store run (either we all go, and its chaos, or G goes and I watch the kids for 4 hours straight).
I had a pretty easy weekend of call. Both days I was out of here by 11AM...which was a mixed blessing. I got all the stress of early morning rounds PLUS all the child-care and chores of a normal weekend. And no chance to go for a run (or have a glass of wine) to relieve the stress of it all.
I'm still working on my resolutions for the year. I think I'll be working on them for months, if not years, if not the rest of my life. The things we struggle with, I think they are always struggles in some ways. Hopefully the tiny changes I'm making now will help things be a bit smoother down the road, though.
I've noticed that its about the choices I make. Not the big sweeping ones, like who to marry or where to live...but the tiny ones, like how to react to B hitting L in the face, or G leaving the dishes for me to wash when I also put the kids to bed. How to handle being 20 minutes late in the morning and the kids are still dawdling, or exhausted at night and they want "one more story mommy!". How to respond to the annoying email, or answer the same question the 5th time from a concerned patient. Lots and lots of little choices throughout the course of a day. I hope to choose right more often.
Every day I wake up and make the conscious decision to try to do the right thing. And then when I fail (I always do, in big or small ways), I decide to try again.
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