Graduated?

I had a pretty good meeting with the therapist, ending in her telling me that I no longer need therapy! I am staying on her roster, with the plan to contact her if anything changes, and to pro-actively start coming back when I'm considering going off the P@xil.

I told her about the MIL issues, about certain things that happened and how I responded and she told me I'd "achieved great interpersonal growth" in dealing with her. She's absolutely right. I mentioned this a while back, but something changed during her visit last summer and I no longer demonize her or hate her and she no longer has the power to completely ruin my mental state. Sure its still annoying and stressful around her, she's a challenging in-law, but I can handle it. I even challenged her on something last week, and I didn't completely curl up and die. I can take the worst of her and survive, and its empowering.

We talked about how we are working hard to help B right now, how I put a lot of that off last year because I just...couldn't. I am planning to focus my time taking him to weekly social skills groups and continuing to see the family therapist with G on a regular (but limited) schedule to stay on track.

We talked a bit about work, about how I've stopped beating myself up or thinking I'm a complete failure when I can't stay focused and productive every single day or even week. I realize I work in spurts, getting unreal amounts of work done in a few weeks and then just...stalling out. I have been trying SO HARD to be a more steady producer, churning out equal amounts of product every day and I just keep failing over and over and over. Maybe I need to allow myself to work the way I enjoy, and give myself more time & space to really fall into the flow when I'm feeling it, and using the less laser-focused time to take care of the many many administrative and mundane aspects of my job.

I brought up the question of going off the SSRI and we both agreed to wait until fall (and actually October, after I submit my R01) because of the changes coming up to my work schedule, kids' schedule, and travel this summer, in addition to my desire to simply ENJOY this summer.

Overall she said I seemed to have most of my issues under control and she didn't believe in "over-therapizing" and that she trusted I would return should I need it. I felt pretty damn good.

Okay, Okay...what's next

The "books I read" post remains a work in progress. I just read too darn many books and I have been too lazy to go through and look up how to spell author's names correctly so I can finish up the list. But since I don't want to go another month between posts, I'll give you guys some updates.

Last week was pretty stressful. I trifecta of suck (or as Selina Meyers called it on Veep, a "trifuckta"). My MIL is here and was being challenging, I was on call, and hormones. Plus my tech/assistant had her last day and I really miss her, both for her excellent work and her company (sometimes she was the only person I talk to for days). Also it was blah and cold and rainy.

I made it through the call week & weekend. On the bright side:

• On Saturday I came home incredibly stressed and I dragged G out for a run in the chilly afternoon. It was hard, because I'm usually a morning exercise person and I was already hungry, but after the run and the shower I felt so much calmer.
• G, MIL, and the boys went to visit family on Sunday and stayed until Monday afternoon so I had the HOUSE TO MYSELF when I finally got home Sunday from the hospital. I binge watched the entire mini-series of "Big Little Lies" and ate leftover pizza. It was much needed.
• The "call week diet" should be marketed. I lost three pounds in 7 days by: not drinking at all, going to bed at 9:30 and not snacking after dinner, and walking twice my usual steps each day. Of course last night I stayed up 'til 10:30, had 2 glasses of wine, and a big snack after dinner so the weight loss is not sustainable long term, but at least I know what to do if I need to fit into a dress or something.

I haven't told you guys about my schedule changes yet. In July I'm going 50% clinical. Its actually kind of generous, considering the other 50% is unfunded as of now. I'm terrified. I don't think I'll have enough time to do my research and submit papers and grants. I need to really plan my weeks out well and will need to start using my evenings/weekends for work. I will also lose most of my nice relaxing mornings, since I'm planning on starting clinics at 8 so I can leave on time to pick up the boys.

I am seeing my therapist today, for the first time in months. I'll probably focus on MIL-stress, because an impartial outside voice is always helpful in trying to entangle that baggage. I'm on the fence about stopping the SSRI this summer. Part of me wants to see how I do without it, but another (likely bigger) part just wants to ride out the stability for a bit longer and try to enjoy the summer.

My current "practice" if you will is trying to be OK with occasional negative emotions. Just letting myself feel anxious or sad without feeling the need to "fix it" or distract myself immediately. I guess its part of mindfulness, and something that comes up occasionally in the guided meditations I do---just realizing how you are feeling and viewing it with equanimity.  On the same front, I'm trying, yet again, to find healthier coping mechanisms for those inevitable bad days (i.e. not food, not wine, not shopping, and not diving into mindless internet distraction). Exercise, music, connecting with a friend, going outside...I know these things but I just reach for the cheese and wine and smartphone instead.

Hope you all are having a good week. I promise I'll get the books post up...someday.

May Day

My favorite month is here! Had an OK weekend. The highlight was Friday night when our school had a get-together, open to the neighborhood, with pizza and snacks on the playground. It was crazy hot and the kids figured out how to use the water fountain + plastic cups to spray and soak each other and they all ran around for hours while the grown ups sat in the shade and chatted. We went home after the sun set and they got cold with tired and fed kids.

My back is MUCH better, but now my hip hurts? Weird. Anyways, I was well enough to go for an energizing 4 mile run yesterday, and I got G to join me (since MIL is now here).  I'm planning on heading back to the gym tomorrow and Thursday since I'm on call and won't be able to go this weekend, blah.

Anyways, busy day, gotta go see more patients, but wanted to blog again before I fell right off the wagon. Back with the Quarter 1 Books post later this week...

Meta Meta?

(blogging about blogging about blogging)

Which, actually, is boring, so I'll skip it. Here I am. (Also the title of a thought-provoking if not necessarily enjoyable book I read recently). Today is "do all the things I've been putting off for way too long" day and blogging fell on that list.

If I'd written last week, I'd say things were going quite well, but this week has been challenging. Nothing major, just the usual things that can get you down, like sickness, grant rejections, annoying kids, home repairs, constant rain, and to top it off I did something to my lower back and ugh. I think I need to take a break from exercise for a while which makes me cranky because its my favorite and most effective stress relief. Oh, and MIL is coming Saturday night. So...

So while I HAVEN'T been blogging I've been doing the following

• meditating! I've only missed 4 days so far in April. Now that I've been successful at making it a habit, I'm considering a paid subscription for access to more guided content. I'm debating between Headspace and Calm but welcome reviews/suggestions
• staying off social media. I'm off facebook for-(maybe)-ever. THANK YOU to zenmoo who recommended the Groups app. Now that I have that figured out, there is NO NEED to ever go on my feed. Bonus---friends are wondering where I am and TEXTING and we are having real interactions! I actually did 3 full weeks of no blogs/facebook/instagram/etc... and it was quite lovely but I missed you guys! I also did a whole weekend of putting my phone away and it was surprising how much it seemed to help---my kids actually seemed better behaved that weekend. 
• seeing the therapist. After a few sessions of G and I going together, I've been bringing B. This is worth its own post, actually, so I'll just say its been---mixed.
• not eating so much. HOORAY. My clothes fit again. I'd actually like to keep not eating so much and feel confident in my (very 40-year-old-mom-ish tankini style) swimsuit this summer
• reading! I love reading book round-up posts from other bloggers so I'll make this its own thing. Likely quarterly. Which means...now.  
• Listening to the West Wing Weekly podcast. I'm a teeny bit obsessed and really want to catch up (they are on season 3, I'm on season 1, we are also re-watching the show and on season 2). 

 Alright. More long-procrastinated things to do. Book round-up post next week. Also my meta-analysis of the meal subscription services we tried this winter because we tried A LOT (but not all...there are always more) and actually did settle on a favorite.  See ya' in sooner than 5 weeks hopefully!

Belonging, part 2, Showing Up

I'm home with a sick B today. He is watching his second movie on the ipad----which is the only way I"m getting any work done since he is feeling better & quite chatty once the medicine brought his fever down. The good side---I had already taken the day off to chaperone his class trip to the zoo. The bad side---well, yeah. We were both looking really forward to it (I was SO interested to see the dynamic with the kids that I only hear hints of from him), and he bounded out of bed saying "I'm fine" but we could barely here him through the croaking, stuffy  nose and constant cough, and his fever was 101.4 so back to bed it was.

A highlight of the past weekend was the fundraiser for B's school which was on Saturday night. We got a sitter, I got to wear a fun dress & jewelry, and drink unlimited wine, eat salted caramel cookies,  dance to cheesy pop music, and participate in a silent auction, which I always more fun then I remember. We went home with everything I was bidding on, but that was not the real win. 

I realized during the event that I really knew a LOT of people there! No we didn't come with a big group of friends, and there were some awkward moments when G & I realized we were sort of alone, but most of the time we were chatting and mingling. I knew several people from my workout class at the Y, a couple of ladies from the new neighborhood barre studio I had been to twice, people I had exchanged multiple items with on BuyNothing, some women from my neighborhood book group, other parents & PTA members, and owners of local businesses we frequent.

Last week we had our monthly book club meeting, and I realize how comfortable I feel with this crowd, whereas the first meeting 9 months ago I was awkward and quiet, this time we were all laughing, pouring wine, and closed out the diner. I went to the gym twice & the barre studio once, and I chatted with several people. I finally got (after many texts on my part) a lunch with a best friend. I stayed after clinic to have a long chat about some ongoing work-place issues with a couple of co-workers, and got some good perspective to take to my meeting later that week.

I was talking to G about this topic in the week---he was mentioning how he wanted to make more friends, that aside from work he didn't hang out with many people, and I told him that he just had to start joining things (so he is going to assistant coach the T-ball team L is starting next month).  I just started going to things, and going again and again, and over time, people go from strangers to acquaintances to friends. While I still wish I had more people I could consider close friends, I have to think of friendship during this phase of adulthood as a long game. I just have to keep showing up.

Happenings

Lots of bullets since its been a while...

• Snow day today! It really did snow overnight, but now its raining, and the whole thing is the consistency of a slushy. No sledding or snow-men making in our future. 
• OMG our dog has some GI illness and its terrible. She thinks rugs=grass=good place to "go". We threw away some bath mats and will need to replace our living room rug. She doesn't bark so we have to be looking at her all day/night to notice her subtle clues, which is obviously not possible. 
• I tried Trunk Club. I was initially disappointed because the one item I LOVED was way way too $$$ to justify ($250 for a pair of designer jeans, they were magical, really, but not worth the price of a plane ticket!), but I tried things on again and showed them to G and stuff grew on me. I ended up keeping:  a cute date-night top that is crisp striped cotton with bell sleeves and the "cold shoulder" look (way way cuter than it sounds), white jean jacket, one-button black blazer (I can never find blazers that fit so I don't own any), and a striped tank. It is NOT budget-friendly, but I definitely got interesting and well-made things I'd never pick on my own. Way better than StitchFix, which is somewhat cheaper but has crappy quality generic clothing.
• We are still seeing the family therapist and getting a lot of good insight into B's diagnosis and what we need to accept about him vs. work on. That is huge. HUGE. Its so awesome to hear "well, kids with ASD are very rigid about food, B's actually doing way better than most. that's probably not the battle you want to fight", etc...  I promise I'll do a whole post about what we've learned someday soon.
• I got elected Secretary of our HSA (home school association, like PTA). I did run unopposed... Our main goal for the remainder of the year is to streamline the process for getting clearance for volunteering at the school and circulating volunteer opportunities to parents. I think a lot of people want to help, but don't know how. I know I was in that boat, but not everyone is going to jump into the deep end and join the HSA board to figure it out!
• I read Trevor Noah's autobiography "Born a Crime" which was really really interesting, for book club. Highly recommend. I learned so much about South Africa that I shamefully  never knew. I borrowed the book from someone, but I probably should've listened to the audiobook,  I was reading it aloud in my head in his adorable accent the whole time.
• DST threw us for a loop, especially B and me, the two of us that have trouble falling asleep at the best of times. 
• I went to one of those "paint with wine" places for a local doctor-mom meet up and it was surprisingly fun! My painting turned out really cute (my children were super impressed) and it was better to have an activity instead of awkward mingling with me standing near the food/drink table and eating/drinking too much out of nervousness. I really liked some of the women I met, too. I think we were a self-selected bunch of city-living, laid-back types. I'd love to do it again.
• I am not succeeding in losing the p@xil-weight, even with the major changes I made: no snacks during the day, no eating after dinner, no alcohol Sun-Thurs. It did prevent FURTHER weight gain, but its not coming off. Ten pounds directly on my abdomen is super annoying because even my freaking pajama pants feel tight, not to mention anything else! I may seriously have to restart low carb because I'm not ready to stop the p@xil yet. I don't want to lose another summer.  Anyways the psychiatrist is on maternity leave.
• We had a $200 gift certificate to a restaurant group (from a school fundraiser silent auction) that expired Saturday night that we'd forgotten about so we had a super-indulgent Saturday evening dinner with the kids. We tried multiple small plates & drinks, sitting in this dark lounge area in the back so that the kids could do their own thing. 
• I registered L for KG last week. OMG! How is this possible? And yet, I'm also super excited for having both kids at the same place again. It'll really streamline our morning and evening routines and give both of us a break (right now, I do drop-off/pick-up of B, and G takes & brings home L)
• I got sucked back into FB and its no good. Too much scrolling. I can't leave completely because there really are a lot of things I'm a part of that really enhance my life (my workout class updates, book club, a political activism group my friend founded, the local doctor-mom group that hosted the event, buy nothing, school friend-of group that does events/fundraisers) that are unfortunately ONLY on FB. But I need to figure out a system whereby I can keep track of events & news re: those groups without getting sucked into scrolling mindlessly and getting sucked into the rabbit-hole of clicking links.

Happy Families

On Sunday night I was thinking about our weekend, mostly glad it was behind us. The kids were SO very challenging and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, and I lost my patience with them and had it out with my husband. Yet...it was also the kind of weekend that would make others jealous if I decided to upload pictures & quotes to f@cebook. We spent lots of time outside in beautiful weather, got in some awesome exercise, had social activities, productive days at home, and cozy family times. My takeaway from this mental exercise is basically that the activities you do are only a small part of how enjoyable you find any particular stretch of time. The majority of it is all in the attitude---of yourself and those around you.

G and I are in a rough patch, mostly over parenting techniques. The same thing we've been disagreeing on for years, on and off. When the kids are particularly challenging, it brews back up. In short, B is not the only one in our family who may need some help managing big angry feelings. I honestly don't think we can make much headway with B until we get ourselves under control. G needs to a) acknowledge the problem, b) accept help/advice and c) do the hard work of making changes---the trying and failing and re-routing and trying again and failing again etc... maybe forever. 

Its weird to me when people are not introspective and don't spend time daily on self-reflection. Those practices are so ingrained in me, I think they are a fundamental part of my personality. I think (about myself) therefore I am (myself).  I told G to consider setting aside some time each day to THINK. He's constantly got his headphones on, with music, podcasts, etc.. I'd go nuts without some time to process each day and formally or informally work through issues, decide on courses of action, rearrange priorities, talk myself off the ledge or back onto the wagon. I do it in my head, in my journal, here on this blog...I just need to work things out and get my head straight so I can be my best.

Can people learn to self-reflect? Is it something you can "pick up" if you've never been in the habit? Or do certain people require OTHER PEOPLE to work things through (friends/spouse/therapist)? Or rely on tools to remind them or force them to think through certain things (is there an app for that)? How else do people change their behaviors/improve themselves?