I took a day to wallow. G and I cut off work early and watched 1917 and had a beer and snacks while the boys played on the switch upstairs. It was what I needed and I'm feeling much better today. Also the sun is out. Woke up at 6:30, did a quick beach body workout (Upper Fix) and got ready for tele-visits. Apparently 3 canceled yesterday since I last checked so I have a break before my next one today.
I am taking some time to actually plan the rest of the week---I've just been reactively doing whatever urgently came up for the past couple of weeks, which meant nothing long term (new papers, planning for my new leadership position beginning in July) was happening. With this being our life for the foreseeable future, its time to get back into regular (ish) work mode. I'm setting the bar fairly low to start---a few achievable tasks per day.
I thought about making goals for the month but then decided I better take it a couple of days at a time for now. I know what tomorrow holds but not 2 weeks from now. I am going to continue daily workouts and mediation, writing in my 3-good-thing journal every night, getting outside daily (dogs help with this!) and writing here more often.
Todays work plan (other than the clinic visits/charting, a conference and a group call): completing a manuscript outline, submitting my scheduling requests for the second half of the year (VERY tentative, ha!), and brainstorming ideas for an abstract due next month.
I am also: doing my laundry (I don't have enough sports bras for these daily workouts and re-wearing them is icky) and roasting a boatload of veggies that have been lingering in the fridge. Oh and some kid supervision while I do the non-work tasks. Mid-day dog walks will be my outside time.
Off we go!
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Oh blah
I think I had some plan to write about something else but I slept terribly last night, and its gray and cold and I'm unmotivated and just...blech.
The job I interviewed for in "paradise"? Just found out last night I didn't get it. Not that I would take it. I just REALLY WANTED to get it. And I woke up in the middle of the night going over what I did wrong, or what I could've done better, etc...
The kids don't want ANYTHING to do with learning today. But they also aren't playing independently. I don't care what they do, as long as I don't need to be involved, and they aren't loudly fighting.
L's class had their first Zoom chat today and we could hear 12-15 2nd graders shouting at each other in the screen and teaching each other (and the teacher) how to make different backgrounds & effects, and text each other. It wasn't supposed to be productive, just a check in and to see each others faces. But it sounded super annoying even from 2 floors away, ha.
I'm ready for a nap. Or a beer. Blah.
The job I interviewed for in "paradise"? Just found out last night I didn't get it. Not that I would take it. I just REALLY WANTED to get it. And I woke up in the middle of the night going over what I did wrong, or what I could've done better, etc...
The kids don't want ANYTHING to do with learning today. But they also aren't playing independently. I don't care what they do, as long as I don't need to be involved, and they aren't loudly fighting.
L's class had their first Zoom chat today and we could hear 12-15 2nd graders shouting at each other in the screen and teaching each other (and the teacher) how to make different backgrounds & effects, and text each other. It wasn't supposed to be productive, just a check in and to see each others faces. But it sounded super annoying even from 2 floors away, ha.
I'm ready for a nap. Or a beer. Blah.
Monday, March 30, 2020
Cluster
Its a learning curve for everyone but geez, my schedule for this week has been completely screwed up. I had asked to have several tele-health visits per day, Monday-Thursday clustered in the AM or PM. Instead I have a random assortment of patients all morning and evening every single day. Ugh.
Today was supposed to be mostly clinical but I only have 2 patients scheduled this afternoon (out of 14 that were originally scheduled---the rest got stupidly rescheduled 2 weeks later...so they will have to AGAIN be rescheduled).
Anyways, I am using the morning to work with the kids, watching what they are doing and checking over their work for the first time since this whole school-at-home began. I sort of enjoyed it until one kid, who shall not be named, revolted and was found playing legos upstairs during reading time. haha.
Soon it'll be time for lunch and recess. Then concentrated clinical and other work. This evening we are baking brownies---from a mix---but I will have them figure out directions and gather ingredients. They want to do a science lesson so I figured we'd learn about anatomy today? The school didn't provide great curriculum for science/social studies so we may use Khan academy for that. I am also making them practice typing with a game every day. They hunt and peck OK right now, but B would benefit a lot from being able to type his writing assignments.
The weekend was OK---very rainy, chilly, gray. We rented and watched both Jumanji movies (the recent ones) and they were really good! Lots of board games, take out twice (boys were excited about, but ultimately disappointed in sushi), a puzzle, a (miserable) forced walk for some outdoor time, some face timing with family and friends. I did a 6 mile run yesterday and G and I did some 21 day fix together (Dirty 30 today which was perfect, last week I made him do the Fix Challenge from 21 day fix extreme, because I was worried he'd find the workouts too easy and I nearly killed him, that ish is hard).
Now B is looking over my shoulder and breathing down my neck. Gotta go.
Today was supposed to be mostly clinical but I only have 2 patients scheduled this afternoon (out of 14 that were originally scheduled---the rest got stupidly rescheduled 2 weeks later...so they will have to AGAIN be rescheduled).
Anyways, I am using the morning to work with the kids, watching what they are doing and checking over their work for the first time since this whole school-at-home began. I sort of enjoyed it until one kid, who shall not be named, revolted and was found playing legos upstairs during reading time. haha.
Soon it'll be time for lunch and recess. Then concentrated clinical and other work. This evening we are baking brownies---from a mix---but I will have them figure out directions and gather ingredients. They want to do a science lesson so I figured we'd learn about anatomy today? The school didn't provide great curriculum for science/social studies so we may use Khan academy for that. I am also making them practice typing with a game every day. They hunt and peck OK right now, but B would benefit a lot from being able to type his writing assignments.
The weekend was OK---very rainy, chilly, gray. We rented and watched both Jumanji movies (the recent ones) and they were really good! Lots of board games, take out twice (boys were excited about, but ultimately disappointed in sushi), a puzzle, a (miserable) forced walk for some outdoor time, some face timing with family and friends. I did a 6 mile run yesterday and G and I did some 21 day fix together (Dirty 30 today which was perfect, last week I made him do the Fix Challenge from 21 day fix extreme, because I was worried he'd find the workouts too easy and I nearly killed him, that ish is hard).
Now B is looking over my shoulder and breathing down my neck. Gotta go.
Friday, March 27, 2020
How are you REALLY
I had virtual therapy yesterday and my therapist started with "how are you?" and of course I answered "fine". My family and I are all healthy, we have guaranteed paychecks, I'm not necessarily on "the front lines" of this---I can't complain can I? We didn't even have any big vacations coming up this month that we had to cancel.
But of course, as therapists do, she pushed further. And of course, I'm not "fine". I'm fucking sad. ALL the things I was looking forward to and planning for? They are all off the table for the foreseen future. Even the summer vacations we had planned may not be feasible. Who knows what will be happening in June?
I get through the hard and the mundane in part by planning and anticipating fun things. And without those things, its just...blah. I'm trying so hard to focus on the small everyday pleasures but its an adjustment.
Things I'm sad to be missing: my parents and sister visiting, date nights, lots of theater---especially Dear Evan Hanson and Waitress, girls trip to NYC, chaperoning field trips for both kids, L's basketball playoffs, watching the kids kick ass in running series, L's first season of baseball, book clubs, brunches, talks I was going to give locally, work conference that was canceled, June staycation (doing nearby adventures at very crowded places), 5K this weekend
Etc...
There is also a fear of being unqualified to help manage what might be coming our way in the medical system. I'm not "on the front lines" like so many of my colleagues in the medical field and as we judiciously choose which consults truly need to be done in person (to minimize exposures to patients and selves) or which outpatients can safely be rescheduled 1-2 months away or managed virtually---I realize that most of what I know how to do (very well, mind you) is NOT URGENT. Its humbling to stay the least.
And the possibility that maybe I WILL be called to fill in where needed---so many many years away from critical care or even primary care training---that is truly terrifying me. I am not qualified! The memes about not wanting your gynecologist to be intubating you or managing your ventilator hit close to home.
Anyways. How are YOU really?
But of course, as therapists do, she pushed further. And of course, I'm not "fine". I'm fucking sad. ALL the things I was looking forward to and planning for? They are all off the table for the foreseen future. Even the summer vacations we had planned may not be feasible. Who knows what will be happening in June?
I get through the hard and the mundane in part by planning and anticipating fun things. And without those things, its just...blah. I'm trying so hard to focus on the small everyday pleasures but its an adjustment.
Things I'm sad to be missing: my parents and sister visiting, date nights, lots of theater---especially Dear Evan Hanson and Waitress, girls trip to NYC, chaperoning field trips for both kids, L's basketball playoffs, watching the kids kick ass in running series, L's first season of baseball, book clubs, brunches, talks I was going to give locally, work conference that was canceled, June staycation (doing nearby adventures at very crowded places), 5K this weekend
Etc...
There is also a fear of being unqualified to help manage what might be coming our way in the medical system. I'm not "on the front lines" like so many of my colleagues in the medical field and as we judiciously choose which consults truly need to be done in person (to minimize exposures to patients and selves) or which outpatients can safely be rescheduled 1-2 months away or managed virtually---I realize that most of what I know how to do (very well, mind you) is NOT URGENT. Its humbling to stay the least.
And the possibility that maybe I WILL be called to fill in where needed---so many many years away from critical care or even primary care training---that is truly terrifying me. I am not qualified! The memes about not wanting your gynecologist to be intubating you or managing your ventilator hit close to home.
Anyways. How are YOU really?
Thursday, March 26, 2020
Oh, I think you're so pretty...
Little things making me smile these days:
- The "high school" playlist my HS friend shared (including the song from the post title, can anyone identify it?) Bonus: I'm the only one in this whole suite of offices so I can sing along as I chart!
- Texts/messages from people I haven't spoken to in months/years (a cousin, said HS friend)
- "Thank you healthcare workers" signs on front doors on my route to work
- Spring! Cherry blossoms in full bloom, daffodils, baby birds
- Playing Mario Kart as a family...especially when I win (what can I say I am unbelievably competitive at everything)
- A really good Scrabble word (I play at least part of a game most days with B, he's currently obsessed). Yesterday I made "freezers". so satisfying!
- L's art--he's been quite prolific with drawing and also making very creative Lego creations these days.
What's making you smile?
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
Six of one...
Soon after I wrote about how happy I was to be at work, I began to miss being home with my family. The vibe is weird at work, our office space is empty, patients and staff are all anxious...there has been a lot of drama about proper procedures (do fellows come in to round or should attending go on their own? do we all wear masks? etc...) and people on both sides of the issues are worked up and "not their best selves" to put it nicely.
And G is struggling trying to work full time with no child care. The kids are struggling with having to work on boring "work packets" provided by the school district and having no outlet for their energy on the rainy days. I am struggling coming home from a taxing day to everyone expecting me to automatically be ready to take over when I really really really need a few minutes to myself. G is frustrated because he feels like his whole day is spent providing food for the kids, loading and unloading the dishwasher and washing machine, walking the dog, running necessary errands (pharmacy, grocery) and I yelled at him last night that we could just leave the dishes and let the kids get their own damn snacks and stop being a martyr...not my "best self" either.
It was tough being at home, and its tough being at work is the bottom line. Ultimately having both of us at home, so we can each have some dedicated work/free time worked much better for our family last week. I am trying to plan the next few weeks with this in mind.
My goal: AM and PM work blocks of 3 hours for each of us. For me, these will be filled with telehealth visits (4 half day sessions next week) or concentrated writing blocks. Video conferences/calls/etc may take up some of this time, but maybe I can multitask and listen in while making lunch or whatever because while necessary, they are not leading to "productivity" for me in either clinical or research realms. I need to work with G so we can stagger our work blocks.
Ideally my work blocks would be 8:30-11:30 and 1-4. This should get me time to spend with the kids mid-day (lunch and recess) and early evening (snacks, inside/outside fun) and G can handle breakfast (he could work 10-1 and 2-5, the kids wake up around 9ish).
Other things I need to plan: alone time for both G & I separately AND together (movie date in basement while kids do something upstairs or "happy hour date" while kids play video games?) and more virtual socializing for ALL of us. I have a Zoom meeting book club tonight and we are doing a family happy hour on Friday with G's cousins.
Anyways, off to round. Stay safe and stay sane friends.
And G is struggling trying to work full time with no child care. The kids are struggling with having to work on boring "work packets" provided by the school district and having no outlet for their energy on the rainy days. I am struggling coming home from a taxing day to everyone expecting me to automatically be ready to take over when I really really really need a few minutes to myself. G is frustrated because he feels like his whole day is spent providing food for the kids, loading and unloading the dishwasher and washing machine, walking the dog, running necessary errands (pharmacy, grocery) and I yelled at him last night that we could just leave the dishes and let the kids get their own damn snacks and stop being a martyr...not my "best self" either.
It was tough being at home, and its tough being at work is the bottom line. Ultimately having both of us at home, so we can each have some dedicated work/free time worked much better for our family last week. I am trying to plan the next few weeks with this in mind.
My goal: AM and PM work blocks of 3 hours for each of us. For me, these will be filled with telehealth visits (4 half day sessions next week) or concentrated writing blocks. Video conferences/calls/etc may take up some of this time, but maybe I can multitask and listen in while making lunch or whatever because while necessary, they are not leading to "productivity" for me in either clinical or research realms. I need to work with G so we can stagger our work blocks.
Ideally my work blocks would be 8:30-11:30 and 1-4. This should get me time to spend with the kids mid-day (lunch and recess) and early evening (snacks, inside/outside fun) and G can handle breakfast (he could work 10-1 and 2-5, the kids wake up around 9ish).
Other things I need to plan: alone time for both G & I separately AND together (movie date in basement while kids do something upstairs or "happy hour date" while kids play video games?) and more virtual socializing for ALL of us. I have a Zoom meeting book club tonight and we are doing a family happy hour on Friday with G's cousins.
Anyways, off to round. Stay safe and stay sane friends.
Monday, March 23, 2020
In it for the memes
I'm giving up drinking for the month.
Sorry, bad punctuation.
I'm giving up. Drinking for the month.
Haha. My favorite so far and pretty much was my mood last night. My children were driving me INSANE. B has some kind of snorting tic going on that I cannot deal with---he knows its making me crazy so now he's doing it more often and LOUDER on purpose. And L was whining constantly about screen time. They refused to even consider eating the dinner I was about to make so I said f it.
Kids ate hot dogs for dinner. I had cheez its and beer. Rounded off with some Pirate's Booty and gin later.
Also G was mad at me for some reason (its stupid, and not my fault) and we were snippy and just stared at our respective phones for 30 minutes between kids' bedtime and me going up to bed.
I woke up and did my Beach Body 21 day fix extreme total cardio workout, packed my lunch and walked to work in the rain. We rounded on consults as usual. I have phone calls and forms to fill out for patients now and a phone meeting at noon. Followed by more consults.
I am SO GLAD to be at work right now.
Sorry, bad punctuation.
I'm giving up. Drinking for the month.
Haha. My favorite so far and pretty much was my mood last night. My children were driving me INSANE. B has some kind of snorting tic going on that I cannot deal with---he knows its making me crazy so now he's doing it more often and LOUDER on purpose. And L was whining constantly about screen time. They refused to even consider eating the dinner I was about to make so I said f it.
Kids ate hot dogs for dinner. I had cheez its and beer. Rounded off with some Pirate's Booty and gin later.
Also G was mad at me for some reason (its stupid, and not my fault) and we were snippy and just stared at our respective phones for 30 minutes between kids' bedtime and me going up to bed.
I woke up and did my Beach Body 21 day fix extreme total cardio workout, packed my lunch and walked to work in the rain. We rounded on consults as usual. I have phone calls and forms to fill out for patients now and a phone meeting at noon. Followed by more consults.
I am SO GLAD to be at work right now.
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