I had virtual therapy yesterday and my therapist started with "how are you?" and of course I answered "fine". My family and I are all healthy, we have guaranteed paychecks, I'm not necessarily on "the front lines" of this---I can't complain can I? We didn't even have any big vacations coming up this month that we had to cancel.
But of course, as therapists do, she pushed further. And of course, I'm not "fine". I'm fucking sad. ALL the things I was looking forward to and planning for? They are all off the table for the foreseen future. Even the summer vacations we had planned may not be feasible. Who knows what will be happening in June?
I get through the hard and the mundane in part by planning and anticipating fun things. And without those things, its just...blah. I'm trying so hard to focus on the small everyday pleasures but its an adjustment.
Things I'm sad to be missing: my parents and sister visiting, date nights, lots of theater---especially Dear Evan Hanson and Waitress, girls trip to NYC, chaperoning field trips for both kids, L's basketball playoffs, watching the kids kick ass in running series, L's first season of baseball, book clubs, brunches, talks I was going to give locally, work conference that was canceled, June staycation (doing nearby adventures at very crowded places), 5K this weekend
There is also a fear of being unqualified to help manage what might be coming our way in the medical system. I'm not "on the front lines" like so many of my colleagues in the medical field and as we judiciously choose which consults truly need to be done in person (to minimize exposures to patients and selves) or which outpatients can safely be rescheduled 1-2 months away or managed virtually---I realize that most of what I know how to do (very well, mind you) is NOT URGENT. Its humbling to stay the least.
And the possibility that maybe I WILL be called to fill in where needed---so many many years away from critical care or even primary care training---that is truly terrifying me. I am not qualified! The memes about not wanting your gynecologist to be intubating you or managing your ventilator hit close to home.
Anyways. How are YOU really?