Multitudes

Dropped B off for his first day of KG this morning. I was shockingly near tears, as was G. He's gone to daycare every day for over 5 years, but this was different. They just---followed the teacher in all of a sudden and we didn't really get a goodbye. He's been so excited about for weeks now. All the teary parents were taken to the library for coffee and pastries and reassuring words from the administration. I know its going to be good but I'm worried about how he's adjusting. I initially thought I'd pick him up at dismissal but I also want to see how aftercare goes (see below) and we only have a few days this month, so I think I'll let him go and pick him up early-ish from there.  Poor L wanted to go to KG too and was being grumpy too.

Two of the moms I met at drop-off had negative reviews on the aftercare place I had chosen based on reviews by two other moms I met earlier in the year. It was about the director and how the place is run (slipshod). We'll see how it goes. Its not set in stone and we can always move him. They also recently expanded/moved so the overall director may not be the one in charge day-to-day of our location.
 
We're still trying to make use of some of our evenings while we still have light. I'll miss our city adventures when we have to start heading straight home because its dark & freezing. I need some ideas for things we can do at home that are not: dinner/nagging or chores.

So excited about seeing some really good friends next week. There is a crazy event happening in our city and everything is being shut down (including schools and even clinic) for several days so we decided to go visit my family. G & I are taking a road trip to visit a few friends in the middle, since 7 days in our small town with my parents & kids is really boring. On past visits I basically spent hours on end playing iphone games & internetting, so this will be an improvement.

Work. Ugh. Deadline coming up & can't concentrate. It will get done, it always does, right?

I'm going strong on my no-booze-at-home weekdays pact. its been about 6 weeks now! I don't even feel like a glass of wine. It helps that I've been really tired and just want to go to bed after I get the kids down (and they aren't down until 9ish).

I'm obsessed with the BuyNothing group on facebook. I've given a ton of stuff to someone that WANTS it (mostly kid stuff) and gotten some useful stuff, too (a box fan, kids books, pots for plants, colored pens for making lists/planning, an unopened brand new moisturizer, cleaning products). this involves making a post with a picture and then doing a little messaging to set up a pick up with the person who responds. The group is supposed to be "hyper-local" so its restricted to our immediate 'hood which makes the exchange easy to set up and is supposed to facilitate meeting & getting to know your neighbors. I actually met a couple that we are trying to get together with this weekend.

I also made $110 this week selling used baby stuff, and have a few more things up for grabs. If its in great condition and a big item, I just post it on the local moms group and see if I get hits. Most things sell quickly. I take any offer. You just write a post, no pictures necessary, so its easy. This money goes back into "kids, misc" category in our budget.



L has changed a LOT lately. His language has completely exploded but he still says some things adorably wrong. Like "gumbrella" or "for a lot of times" to mean "for a long time". He still uses "yesterday" to mean any time in the near or distant past and "tomorrow" to mean any time in the future. "Girl" is pronounced "guh-lurl". We saw our neighbor the other day and he just talked up a storm throwing out his entire life story "I get pizza and movie day at school on Fridays and my favorite movie is Lego Movie, no Toy Story, no Lion King, and I do swimming again on Saturday but last Saturday daddy brought B's swimming suit and it was too big and my birfday is OCTOBER FIFTH but its Monday so we are celebrating on Saturday or Sunday if it rains".

We've planned L's party and already got stuff together. for once, we are ON IT. Superhero party at the park. I got capes from Etsy for each kid. This part was pricey, I got $120 worth of capes ($6 a pop) but a much better favor than cheap dollar store crap. G designed these awesome invites (cartoon L in a batman cape with his signature lumpy socks & gray shoes) & had them printed & cut them himself. Gave them out today. We got rings to put on cupcakes we'll get from a grocery store, and pick up pizzas. Yay! I wish both boys had warm(ish) weather birthdays so we could just do this for every party.

Nine months into my clothes/shoes shopping ban, I am actually wanting to buy something new. I really want these boots for winter---they would transition from outdoor to indoor instead of wearing my ugly snow boots & having to bring nicer shoes for work:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000LVN1N6?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_sfl_title_3&smid=A14425E4VNFZ9L

I also suddenly need new sports bras (I feel bouncy when I run/jump) and have needed regular bras for years.  My drawer has a mishmash of bras 5-15 years old in sizes 32A (actually just threw these out, from med school marathon running days) to 36E (pregnancy). I assume my current size is somewhere in between (34B or C?) and only have a few left in this size.

I don't know where to get sports bras. The ones I have right now are random brands from Target that worked perfectly for about 3 years and now feel stretched out. I bought a new one from Old Navy that just isn't as supportive as I need.

I also would love some cute tops for weekend-wear. I've got tons of work-appropriate stuff & a few hang out at home tops but not much that is fun/cute for dates or outings. 

What's going on with you guys? If you are average in the chest area & run/work-out, where have you gotten the best value (best quality for the price) sports bras?

Watermelon

Our kids have been obsessed with watermelon this summer. We've bought one practically every week started  July 1st. Lately it feels like each weekly watermelon may be the last. We've spent many evenings sitting on the front steps,  big juicy slices in hand, letting the juice drip down our chins. Watermelon, ripe juicy peaches, popsicles, ice cream...its like summer is made for sweet drippy yumminess. And we've been taking big bites, ignoring the mess and the heat.

Even I've been digging in. Despite my tendency to want to eat my watermelon in small neat cubes with a fork, I decided the last few weeks to just dive into summer.  We're in vacation mode. I'm trying so hard, and sometimes succeeding, at turning off that constant clock in my head.

We've had lots of late nights. City adventures. "Dinner" consisting of  bars found in the bottom of bags, street-vendor soft pretzels, and ice cream.   Last week we had the amusement park field trip, a library trip, picnic in the park, and a splash park. This week L and I went to one park while G & B ended up at city hall with happy hour (for him) and a water sculpture/splash play (for B). L was jealous so we went back last night, and G & I had drinks while the boys ran through the fountain, split a huge sandwich, and ran around some more until the sun came down (so early! its happening already...). Then we went home & ate ice cream.

I loved this post, about a different kind of summer. I feel like we are on the cusp of this. Things are just a tiny bit easier. I see the possibility of the next few years ahead of us and simultaneously see the loss coming soon after.

The kids have a 4 day weekend. G & the boys are on some adventures right now, while I'm at work. Tomorrow we take an overnight trip to TheBigCity. We're taking a bus there late-morning, staying with G's cousins, and bus back Sunday evening. I don't want to worry about time, money, or food while we're there. I want to enjoy our last days of summer, before we jump into B's kindergarden and my grand deadlines and the ever shorter and chillier days.

The berry season, the watermelon season, the summer of parenting...its all so short.

Little Miss Perfect?

I never considered myself a perfectionist. I am the queen of "good enough" when it comes to work products, house cleaning, etc... (ask  my husband). I'll put in the 50% of the work to get to 90% done quickly, maybe add another 5% (if I have time) and move on. Some call it half-assedness.  I call it efficiency. Its how I get everything done and still have time for my family, exercise, hobbies, and sleep.

My therapist disagrees and thinks I do indeed hold myself to very high standards and get anxious at my inability to meet them. I was skeptical for a while. But thinking through how weird I've gotten with the budget thing...which by the way is exactly how I got weird with the calorie counting thing...which is similar to recurring patterns of similar behavior throughout my life...I had a thought.

I don't know if its called "perfectionism" or something else, but its about control. When other things in my life get out of control, I seize on small areas that I can manipulate. And I get a lot of satisfaction from "winning" at these things. Staying in my calorie count, saving $100 off my grocery bill, logging 20K steps a day...little boost to self-esteem that helps motivate me in meeting bigger goals.

There is a huge undercurrent of stress in my professional life right now, with uncertain funding, and papers rejected, and experiments disproving hypotheses. I'm not sure what's going to happen to me next July when my current funding runs out. I don't actually want to talk about this, but its a background. This situation is in many ways out of my control. Yes, I'm trying to write grants, papers, modify experiments, find new areas to focus on...but whether or not its going to work? I can't say with any certainty. I recall feeling this way during our infertility and way before that when all (I mean ALL) my friends were pairing up and I wondered if I'd ever meet a partner or be the 5th (7th, 9th, 11th, 19th...seriously ALL my friends) wheel forever. 

So I turn back to the things that I can modify. And when it works---when I'm meeting my standards of frugality or nutrition or fitness, I feel good about myself & can translate that into productivity and creative thinking. But when it backfires---when I slip up and eat something "bad" (ugh) or my pants are tight or we go over budget---I feel deflated, unworthy, like a failure. And THAT translates to wanting to give up, what's the point, I'm never going to succeed, etc...

Areas that I think I tend towards this perfectionism/control include but are not limited to: money, food, fitness, body image (I could write a whole post about this, I thought I was over it but I'm decidedly not), parenting (not yelling, feeding healthy foods, no screen time, planning activities, etc...) and even my attitude (this is the one my therapist picked up on---I get down on myself for being negative/ungrateful/pessimistic/etc...). I rotate through one or two of these and get really hung up on them for a while, and then I get exhausted, give up, and move on through the cycle.

I like holding myself to high standards---it motivates me to improve--but I also realize that I need to keep things in perspective. Spending $50 more on a self-imposed budget shouldn't lead to self-flagellation (or worse, husband-abuse) nor should 200 extra calories. My kids get over it if I yell at them, and an extra movie or ice cream won't doom them to childhood obesity. And my body...well, absent some serious plastic surgery, the wrinkly belly pooch is here to stay.

Is this really perfectionism or something else? Isn't it normal? If not, is the answer something sappy like "be kind to myself" or "give myself grace" (ugh).

Letting it go

The weather has been truly lovely this week, and we're trying to take advantage of it. G & I are both getting over being sick, so our energy isn't at 100%, making some of our outings a little more exhausting than fun, but we've made some nice memories.

We went on the annual daycare trip to a nearby amusement park. B is old enough to truly enjoy the rides & water fun. Everything was "Again! Again!" and the enthusiasm was contagious. L was still scared by a lot of the stuff---his expression at the end of the roller coaster (a really basic, made-for-kids short one) was of utter betrayal. "did you have fun L? wasn't that cool?" "---" (silence, with a look that read "why did you do this to me?! I thought you loved me?!". B had that same expression his first time on the trip, 2 years ago, so I recognized it instantly.

The only thing that marred the trip was my anxiety over spending money on over-priced unhealthy treats throughout the afternoon, when we had perfectly nice grapes, carrots, and cheese puffs left over in our back pack. My feelings that afternoon actually led me to write my last post; I composed it in my head on the bus ride home as I sighed and shrugged and snapped at my family.  It was one of the many instances when the act of writing and thinking through my feelings to get them down, as well as the interactions in the comments, clarified and maybe even changed my thinking on the issue. Why fret over a few dollars and ruin a perfectly nice day? That is not the point. Not the point of budgeting, not the point of frugality, and not the point of life.

Yesterday, G called me at 5:15 pm stating the kids are complaining about being starving even though they just ate the last of their snacks. He wanted me to meet him for some food somewhere. I braced myself for the spendy suggestion, but he actually decided we could get prepared food from the grocery store and have a picnic. Great idea! I brought toys & a picnic blanket & water and he brought a huge spread of chicken salad, fried chicken, 2 kinds of pasta salad, cheese, veggies, fruit. We all ate and then played frisbee for over 30 minutes in the almost-chilly evening. It was amazing. Yes, we spent more than we would've eating at home (I had defrosted some fish and we had some bread and salad stuff to eat with it) but we would've had so much less fun. The kids are already asking to do it again TONIGHT but we do have to eat that fish.

Last weekend I went to the gym while G took the boys to the park for over 2 hours. I came home & showered and relaxed. It was a nice morning. It was also hot out, and a couple of hours after the breakfast, so everyone was thirsty and hungry at the park so they went to a coffee shop and had food & drinks and then spent more time at the park. They came home happy and tired. And I fretted over the $10 spent at the coffee shop.  I mean, what were his choices? Listen to them complain about being hungry & tired and haul them home? Or say "You're hungry? So am I! Lets go get something and then we can play some more". (Yes, there is the option C, my favorite option, which is never to go anywhere without a stash of snacks and water, but I realize not everyone thinks 2---or 3 or 4---steps ahead of every decision, and as I mentioned before, its mentally exhausting to do that)

In terms of the snacks on the way home or taxi rides---I try to remind myself that G makes this 2 mile trip in snow & rain & heat & sickness and in health ten times a week. Its easy for me to say I would always walk or take the bus &  never give into whining for snacks when I don't have to deal with it. Its not every day or even several time a week. Maybe it averages out to once a week? Let it go.

This weekend is set up to be anxiety-provoking, money wise. The fifth weekend in the month, with little to nothing left in most budget categories. We do have some free fun planned---a birthday party, swimming, a park trip. But my goal is to not get upset about minor spending. We only have 3 more weekends of summer. I'm going to let it go.

Dribs and Drabs

Edited because I hit post instead of save...

Money, again. And how it just sort of slips out of our pockets in exchange for mundane little goods & services. My angst over wasting spending money this way is leading to some marital strife and a fair amount of personal stress.

I'm not going to go over the details of who spent what where, but in general, my husband definitely has a looser hold on the purse-strings. Specifically, he not only tolerates, but seems to find pleasure in buying little treats and snacks for the kids (and himself, on occasion) and is not averse to taking taxis/uber instead of waiting for the bus or walking. And this behavior does not appear to be impacted by how far we happen to be over budget in the given categories for these purchases.

This makes my twitchy. I get annoyed. I start to fret. I get snappy and grumpy. I say fine in a voice that is not fine.

I think I set reasonable amounts in our categories, if I increase them, I have to take money from elsewhere---there isn't "extra" sitting around. Those $5 and $10 add up, and leave nothing to show for it. Sure they stop the whining, maybe prevent 15-20 minutes of boredom or discomfort, but at the end of the day they are forgotten. If we didn't spend those dribs and drabs we'd have a good amount for something memorable---dinner out (delicious food for all of us and no cooking or cleaning!) or a new bike (hours/days/months of fun, exercise and fresh air).

And its not just the budget and the numbers, its the philosophy behind it. I can't bring my kids home from school without them asking for chocolate milk from Starbucks like daddy gets them, or "why can't we just take a taxi" when the bus doesn't come right away or they get slightly tired/bored. I'm OK with being the bad guy here, I tell them "no" and "because I don't think its a good way to spend money/you have to learn to be a little hungry once in a while/you'll never get stronger if you don't push yourself!" (OK that all sounds mean but the latter two we are seriously working on with B & L respectively, B is STARVING every 1-2 hours---how will he handle school? and L walks 10 feet before sitting himself down on the sidewalk and refusing to go further---he's four and objectively healthy, we are not keeping him in the stroller forever).

Its not a hardship to spend 15 minutes on a breezy sunny summer evening to chat about the day and wait for the bus. Its not a hardship to not stop for a snack on the way home from school when there is a healthy delicious dinner ready to go. You don't need to buy snacks at a coffee shop every time you go to the park! They are conditioned to these things because they have gotten them so frequently. Its hedonic adaptation for the pre-school set.

Overall I just want us to live within our means and build some financial security, and pass those values on to our kids. Its not that G doesn't share those values. I just think he is less into the frugality/stoicism/delayed gratification mindset than I am. I actually (perversely?) like the satisfaction that I sucked it up and didn't cave to a little hunger, fatigue, whining and kept that money in my pocket. Whereas he is more apt to pay for convenience and not have to deal with the stress or discomfort.

I'm struggling to find a way to deal with this without increasing marital tension and personal anxiety. I'm tired of feeling like the nag. Maybe I've drunk too much frugal-living Kool Aid? More likely I've always been frugal and averse to certain spending patterns that I consider wasteful, and now that we're tracking our spending, I'm noticing it more. I guess "wasteful" is a subjective judgement. One person's wasteful is another's "worth it". Considering the fact that we aren't in debt, have a nice emergency fund, are saving for retirement, and don't spend on big stuff, maybe I need to let it go.

Blue is not for girls

• Girls can't like blue! That's a BOY color. 
• Girls can't wear pants! Only BOYS wear pants! 
• Hahahaha look at that girl who likes Batman and Superman costumes! Those are for BOYS. She is going to turn out to have issues isn't she! How could her parents let her wear that, isn't it embarrassing? 
• Wait, you want to grow up and be a surgeon or a pilot? Well, honey, you see, usually MEN do that kind of work. Why don't you consider something else? 
• Did you really by your daughter black and blue pajamas? And you let her wear them to walk the dog in the morning? Its just...weird...isn't it? 
• Well, sweetie, the blue ones are for the boys---here take the pink one. You like BLUE better? Haha. well, that's different! 
• Why are you taking her to sport class? Wouldn't she be more comfortable taking ballet? 
• Is that girl riding a BLUE scooter?! Carrying a Ninja turtles backpack?
• How could you let your daughter cut her hair so short? She looks like a boy. You should make her grow it out. 
• And her nails are all dirty and unpainted, she looks like a scruffy little boy 
• Are you buying this as a gift, or is it for your daughter? Oh really, that's typically a toy that BOYS like, are you sure she wants the army figurines/Lego space kit/cars? 
• Hmmmm. Most of the Star Wars themed birthday parties I've been to are for BOYS. Did she really choose that theme? 
• Well, hopefully she'll grow out of it and turn out to be more of a REAL GIRL as she gets older, because she's in for a lot of teasing once she starts school. 

 What the patriarchal/misogynistic/sexist bul!sh*t, right?

Well, as the mother of a kid who wants nothing to do with traditional gender norms, I've heard all of these things in the past 2 years, but turned around just a little...

• Boys can't like pink! That's a GIRL color. 
• Boys can't wear dresses! Only GIRLS wear dresses! 
• Hahahaha look at that boy who likes Princess costumes! Those are for GIRLS. He is going to turn out to have issues isn't he! How could his parents let him wear that, isn't it embarrassing? 
• Wait, you want to grow up and be a nurse or a pre-school teacher? Well, buddy, you see, usually WOMEN do that kind of work. Why don't you consider something else? 
• Did you really by your son pink and purple pajamas? And you let him wear them to walk the dog in the morning? Its just...weird...isn't it? 
• Well, sweetie, the pink ones are for the girls---here take the blue one. You like PINK better? Haha. well, that's different!  
• Why are you taking him to dance class? Wouldn't he be more comfortable taking soccer? 
• Is that boy riding a PURPLE scooter?! Carrying a Elsa  backpack?
• How could you let your son grow his hair so long? He looks like a girl. You should make him cut it.
• And his nails are painted pink and sparkly. He looks like a girl
• Are you buying this as a gift, or is it for your son? Oh really, that's typically a toy that GIRLS like, are you sure he wants the Barbies/dollhouse/Lego Friends kit? 
• Hmmmm. Most of the Frozen themed birthday parties I've been to are for GIRLS. Did he really choose that theme? 
• Well, hopefully he'll grow out of it and turn out to be more of a REAL BOY as he gets older, because he's in for a lot of teasing once he starts school. 

I consider it more patriarchal/misogynistic/sexist bul!sh*t.

When "girl" things are denigrated to our boys---we are denigrated GIRLS. And we are limiting our boys, denying their preferences and interests, teaching them to hide certain aspects of their personality. Break down those walls on all sides! Superheroes, princesses, football and sparkles for all. They'll grow up to be wonderful nurses, surgeons, teachers, pilots, mothers, fathers and anything else they dream of.

I've been sitting on this post for a while, for many reasons, but KeAnne's post inspired me to publish it.

Kindred Spirits

I just finished reading the first 3 books in the Anne of Green Gables series. I've read these books countless times, they are one of my favorite comfort reads. There are always multiple mentions of Anne's "gift for friendship" and lovely depictions of her deep friendships through every stage of life. She calls those friends---the ones that you connect with easily---"kindred spirits".

That's what I want need more of in my life---those friends that you can talk to about pretty much anything---including the hard stuff in life. The ones who will get where you're coming from and offer support or encouragement, or call you on your bullshit when you're being nuts. The ones that know about the bad stuff in your life, like your crazy MIL or kid's behavior issue, so you don't have to lie and pretend everything is hunky dory when its not. Who you can trust to keep things secret, like your problems conceiving or that you are going to therapy, because you don't want to tell everyone everything! The friend who knows you and gets your personality so (s)he can say, without you uttering a word about your feelings..."oh wow, that must have really made you anxious, I bet you're not sleeping much" and "whoa, lets go get a drink for this one". The ones that make you laugh like crazy just by reminding you of the "that one time..."

Here's the thing. I'm an introvert. I've read (can't remember where, likely multiple places) that introverts need these close friends just as much as extroverts. Its the superficial interactions that introverts can do without. These days, if I go to a party, my idea of a good time is to hunker in the corner with 2-3 close friends, and have a long conversation with a few glasses of wine. Whereas an extrovert would want to "work the crowd" and mix and mingle for hours. I much prefer to go to happy hour with 1-5 other people I could really talk to than a huge 15-20 people gathering where I would probably end up just listening as various conversation buzzed around me.  I've also read that introverts are drawn to blogging because you can connect on that level without having to deal with the small-talk that needs to comes first IRL.

Several of you commented in my post last week, about community, that their spouses didn't seem to have this need for companionship, and were perfectly happy with work and family. It made me wonder whether there was a gender difference in the need for close connections. I hear this almost universally, so I can't discount it (though I hate hate HATE most assertions of gender differences, since they don't play out the typical way in my marriage/family and also since many are deeply rooted in patriarchy).

But why would this be? Its definitely not an introvert/extrovert thing. My husband is actually (slightly) more into parties/mingling than I am. He wishes we had more couple/family friends to do stuff with, but I've never heard him lament the lack of "close friends".  I'm not going to entertain any evolutionary psychology-based hypotheses about hunters and gatherers and nurturers (sorry, sarah, but yeah, patriarchy) Maybe its nurture more than nature? From an early age, girls are expected to have their BFF to share bracelets and earrings with, and popular culture is not lacking in idealized views of adult female friendship (Sex and the City). Maybe we feel this lack in our life because we hold this worldview in which women are supposed to have lots of close friendships? I don't have an answer.

Another part to this is the idea that "work and family connections are enough". Sure you can have good friends at work. If you get to spend enough time with them at work, and get the serious talk and joking around during your 9-5, you may not need more. And some people are really really close to their family? I'm not, so this one is hard for me to get. Do people really tell their parents about their work problems or marriage issues? Their siblings? I text with my sister and we talk kid issues, our shared experience as children of our parents, and our exercise plans, mostly. But i do try to smooth things over for family and definitely avoid tricky subjects. I can't imagine family being enough.

I know that if I want something to change in life I have to do something about. I'm not going to make good friends by writing about it, and to get to that deep friendship involves swimming through the murky waters of parties and small-talk. Its like dating---you have to put yourself out there, and you probably won't connect with a good percentage of people you meet, but you have to keep trying. I need to look into new avenues to meet people and then actually follow-through. Its scary.

Are you trying to meet new friends? How? Are men just from Mars? What are your theories on the gender differences here?