I think the title says it all?
Baby vs. mommy: baby is winning.
LC visit was last Friday. Little stinker decided to SHOW OFF and did not do his usual fighting/screaming torture-victim impression but quietly latched on and ATE TWO OUNCES. I was livid. So basically it is me. Either my anxiety or my ineptitude is hindering our "breastfeeding relationship". There is nothing physically wrong with him or with me, but somehow we are NOT CONNECTING. Decided to keep trying, got some more pointers on positioning and the OK to not try at EVERY feed, but to pick 4-5 per day that I can really put some time into. Also spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I was having extreme toe-curling eyes tearing pain on the right side (not just at latch on, but throughout & even after feeding) despite good latch, no yeast, no vasospasm. really no clue still.
It went OK for about 24 hours. Maybe every other feed he latched on. Then it all went to hell again and I got clogged ducts bilaterally and the "trying" started to slip again.
This morning we had a successful latch on, the first in 72 hours. He only took one side, but fell asleep and seemed satisfied until his next feed 2.5 hours later.
Why is this happening to me!! (she whined like a little b&itch)
During my training I did a lot of procedures. Some I felt fairly confident and proficient at. others, not so much (there is a reason I went into one of the "thinking" specialties). The worst part was when I was causing someone undue pain because of my inexperience. Of all the times I had to hide in my callroom and cry, usually this was the reason. This is how I feel when I'm trying to breastfeed my son and he starts screaming and arching away, and I keep trying to get him to latch on. I know he's not in real pain, but it is agonizing to listen to those screams that bring back memories of babies being held down for blood draws or catheter placements. I know babies cry (BB cried for HOURS a day for MONTHS of his life, it would've been called colic if colic happened round-the-clock like that. I am not new to pointless shrieking). But its different when I am causing it, and I know exactly how to stop it---stop trying to BF and give him his bottle. Yet, I know the only way to get this to work is to keep at it. "patience, perseverence, and desire" is the text I got back from the LC yesterday after my response to her "how's it going" text.
I am not ready to give up. I know that how I feed my child is not the only indication of my fitness as a mother. I have living proof that a bottle (and formula after 6 months)-fed child can turn out perfectly perfect. But I just can't keep thinking that I gave up too quickly last time, and if I really really loved my child, I could keep on going, despite the frustration and pain that I am feeling. What if he would die without breastfeeding? Would I be strong enough to keep at it? I realize this is crazy-talk, but this is what is going through my heart right now. I just don't think I could face myself if I gave up right now. So I'll keep on keeping on. I've got to make it to a month. Its been 20 days so far. I can do it.
I promise the next post will not involve nipples!