Monday, February 6, 2012

Struggling

I only have a few minutes, but oh-so-much to say. I'll try to sum it up.

I am struggling. The sleep-deprivation, the colic-but-not-colic because you can't get colic at 4 months, the 2-year-old-power-plays, marriage, work, etc... etc... I've a lot on my plate.

and speaking of "lot" and "plates", I just can't seem to lose the last of the baby weight. I blame the nursing. If I try to eat  a "normal" amount of food during the day (i.e. what I used to eat pre-pregnancy, even when exercising regularly), I am STARVING at night and can't sleep without stuffing my face. Since my choices aren't exactly the best at that time, I've caved, and started having snacks during the day---they are healthy-ish, but calories are calories and they are all ending up in the general muffin-top area. In the scheme of things, its a small issue, but one that really gets me down. I hate my clothes not fitting right. I saw recent pictures of myself and I looked pregnant. yuck.

I talked so blithely about making good choices, but I honestly struggle with making the right choice, because I don't know what the right choice IS sometimes. Should I be kind to myself, cut myself some slack, and just relax alone in the evenings, or do I need to push through and go to  yoga, or finish the sewing project, or socialize with people, or have a real conversation with G? My tendency is to shut down, and I tell myself "its OK for now, it'll be better once I get more sleep"....but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Maybe I just need to get over it and LIVE my life.

 I've been unable to shake this ache in my chest. This sadness underlying the struggles AND the joys. I've decided to stop trying. Maybe this quest for perfect "happiness" is making us all more miserable. Maybe some of us just carry around a little bit of sadness, and trying to forcibly evict it only strengthens its hold. In many ways, it makes a nice contrast to the joyful moments, setting them off so much more strikingly against the backdrop.

More later.

8 comments:

  1. My friend amy posted a link to this article today on her blog. I though it was appropriate.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

    Take it easy on yourself. Have a list of stuff you want to do, but if you can't get to it all, try not to obsess over it. things will get better.

    I'm going to go take a nap now. It was another one of those nights.

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    1. thanks. I've read that article & have mixed feelings on it...hope you enjoyed your nap!

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  2. I like the idea that occasional sadness (or, for me, anxiety) has a purpose, that it allows us to enjoy a wider scope of emotion in day-to-day life. And yes to not trying to evict the sadness or pay to much attention to it. I am certain that you're right: the more we focus on sadness (or anxiety), the more it takes center stage.

    Things will change. I know the struggles you're describing all too well and I tell myself that things will be different when the 2 year old learns patience or when the 4 month old is sleeping better. And maybe things will be better or different.

    But I also say yes to the idea that living in the now makes more sense than waiting around for a mythical future. I'm nodding my head and hoping my own tired little brain is paying attention to what I'm thinking as a result of your post and Old MD Girl's comment: live in the now and take it easy!

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    1. Rachael, its nice to know I'm not the only one! Not waiting for said "mythical future" is one of my major struggles.

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  3. Oh my dear, I wouldn't put too much stock in this underlying sadness while you're still nursing. The hormones are still flowing and as a result you are not quite yourself right now. Nursing seriously messed me up in the head, as important as it was to me and as devoted as I was.

    Hang in there.

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    1. Thanks babysmiling. I know hormones/sleep-deprivation are contributing to the emotional lability. I've heard weaning comes with its own set of emotional issues, too.

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  4. I vote for being kind to yourself most of the time, and then occasionally exerting yourself to do something that you suspect will make you feel better in the long run. I'm a chronically sad person myself, despite having an outwardly wonderful life, and I struggle with not making myself feel worse about it. You feel what you feel, man, to be super articulate about it. HOWEVER, I do hope the magic of more sleep will take the edge off. Maybe it won't be soon, but it will be eventually.

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  5. I'm going to vote for being kind to yourself, too. Which may mean going to yoga or socializing, but may also mean bowing out of those things gracefully and zonking out in the corner of the couch. I *still* don't get enough sleep, and don't expect to any time soon. Sometimes coffee helps. Sometimes I just need to hide, as you're doing in your more recent post. And that is OK, too.

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