Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Hard Part

I always found it annoying when veteran parents would say "just wait, it gets so much harder" or "bigger kids, bigger problems". Not helpful when you and your cracked & bleeding nipples are struggling to get through the soul-crushing sleep deprivation and sanity-sucking colicky days while you wonder why in the hell you decided to ruin your body, your career, your social life, and your marriage. What I want to hear is "just wait, it gets so much easier".

Because it does, in many many ways. The constant neediness fades. The having to desperately guess what the cries are for, because now he can clearly tell us what he wants (though the wants of a 2 year old are not always logical and attainable). Sometimes he can even be reasoned with, like a regular person! He naps and sleeps and eats on a predictable schedule. He can entertain himself for good chunks of time now, as long as we are nearby to offer encouragement, making it possible to get chores done around the house while he is awake.  Best of all, he is developing a personality, making jokes, interacting with us & the world in sometimes surprising and hilarious ways.

But...and of course there is a but or what would be the point, right? His needs, and our jobs as parents, are getting more complex. Less physically demanding, but more emotionally and mentally intricate. A newborn's needs are simple and primal: food, sleep, holding, and stimulation in the form of fairly predictable interactions (rattling things, peek-a-boo, looking in the mirror, etc...). This is what we do for L everyday, and at this point we can do it without much thought or stress.

For B? Now we've got stuff to think about. How to discipline him, how to best encourage him to be independent and try harder before asking for help, how to deal with his shyness, how to recognize and foster his talents, and on and on.... G & I wonder, worry, read and talk a lot about these things. We are trying to make sure we are consistent with our approach, yet flexible in considering new approaches should ours seem to not be working. There is SO MUCH information out there on raising kids, but we have mutually decided to mostly use common sense and our gut instincts to find the right path.

Inherent on all this, though, is an even harder truth. One that I am hesitant to even discuss here, lest you think me a bit heartless. I've wondered if other parents think this, or if its just my cynical mind...

In those countless hours I've spent gazing at my sons as newborns, I've wondered and imagined how their lives would turn out. The possibilities were literally infinite. B could be an athlete or an artist, a scientist or a lawyer or a school teacher, the quiet bookish one or the most popular kid in school! But as he grows and his inherent personality becomes more and more evident, those possibilities, while still quite numerous, start to pare away. He is shy. He is clumsy. He is excellent at words and memorizing. He is generous and empathetic. He loves music. He loves books. He doesn't love playing with balls or getting his hands dirty.  Yes, I know he's only two, but I am beginning to be able to envision more what kind of kid he's going to be....and while that kid in my mind is AMAZING....it is ever-so-slightly sad to let go of all the OTHER kinds of kids he could be. To realize that, like all of us, he will have limitations and struggles and things to overcome.

I do think some of my thoughts here are directly related to the fact that his limitations seem very similar to my own growing up. I was shy. Bookish. Clumsy. Too affected by others' opinions and too careful of others' feelings. Obsessively neat. Really good with words, and loved to read and write. No interest in sports. I know what kind of struggles are in store, and I want to spare him. But as much as I wish for my golden child to live a golden life...I can't make that happen. I love him the way he is, and my main job is to make sure he knows that.

9 comments:

  1. I agree! I can't tell you how badly I felt when people used to tell me how much more difficult things would become. For me, things have become steadily easier.

    Still, I know exactly what you mean about watching them become THEM and therefore not everything they might have been. But I remind myself often that it is still a little early to tell. I absolutely agree that many of the traits that we are witnessing right now will be with them for the rest of their lives but I'm pretty sure that some of them will change and we can't be sure how just yet. Although it is difficult, I think we need to avoid projecting our own experience onto theirs. I'm pretty sure that, one way or another, they are going to surprise us. And we are going to love them no matter what.

    -slowmamma

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    1. I'm so glad I'm not alone! And yes, not projecting our own experiences is very important---and will probably get harder as he goes through more of what I actually remember (I don't remember being 2!) In many ways, I think this would be even harder with a daughter...

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    2. Agreed! I think that having boys makes a difference. Also, I should come clean and admit that it is so much easier with g because - so far - he is SO much like his Dad (good and bad). I know that, emotionally, that makes it easier on me. I'm guessing that #2 may be a perfect portrait of all of my faults!

      slow

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  2. Aw! You and G sound like awesome parents.

    I can completely relate to worrying about what things will be like for them. I was very verbal and physically active and LOUD (still am, ha), but also terminally uncool. My husband wasn't cool either, and unless D is very different from us, she has years of pain and suffering ahead of her at the hands of teachers who'd rather have a quiet child who is pregnant and doing lines of coke in the back row, and classmates who think she's a loser. Fun times.

    I suppose each stage presents its own set of joys and problems. Your friends who tell you it gets worse were probably just baby people.

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    1. Ha ha, thanks, but what we "talk about" and how we actually execute our parenting in the heat of the temper tantrum/food throwing are sometimes quite different :) Uncool. Yup, that's us.

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  3. There's so much I love about this post! I love the "it gets easier although it gets harder in new ways" message. My brother (who has a four and a six year old) tells me the same thing. I also love the "trust your gut, ignore the useless information" plan, which is very much my approach, given that every book I so much as touch makes me feel threatened! And yeah, facing the reality of watching a child turn into a person, and the fears and baggage one brings to the table... I think about the fact that my parents and my upbringing were pretty different from Bun Bun's, and that peers end up having loads more influence than parents...and I mainly just hope she finds wonderful friends. But all I *really* meant to say is that I relate to this very much.

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    1. Yes, I hope my little wolves find a good pack to travel with, too...because you're right, your parents, while your entire WORLD when you're a toddler, will have less & less influence as you get older. Though I'm hoping we can set a good enough foundation now that the friends they CHOOSE for themselves don't keep me up all night worrying.

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  4. What a really wonderful post. Perhaps it is because I'm at the same stage of this parenting gig as you are, but I just nodded and nodded. There are things that are easier with little kids than with babies, but absolutely more complex.

    As for your concerns about your perceptions of the narrowing possibilities for your son... I imagine that parents of outgoing jock kids might have similar-but-opposite (I'll explain) concerns. For example: Will my son ever put the balls down and learn his numbers? Why can't my son use his words to explain himself instead of just throwing fits? Or, sure his athletic prowess is great, but how can I teach him that there is life outside of sports?

    You're not cynical. You see your son for who he is, and that is the best gift you can give him. You will teach him to make the most of his world becaue you know it so well yourself. There's no shame at all in that.

    Really lovely thoughts here.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by Gale, and I appreciate your perspective to this...in fact, if B was indeed outgoing and athletic, I'm sure G & I would be quite befuddled, because neither of us know anything about that experience!

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