Friday, July 12, 2013

The Heavy and the Light

The Heavy G & I are in a rough spot. Nothing HAPPENED, we are just getting on each others' nerves...fighting and bickering in a way we never have before. At least once per day, one of us mutturs (or shouts) "I just can't TALK to you". So its clear that our issue is in the way we communicate (or don't) with each other.

Our current tactic for dealing with this is the oh-so-helpful denial and avoidance. By the time the kids are in bed and we actually can have a discussion, neither of us are want to stir things up. So I go read in bed, or we sit side by side and watch TV. And it begins again the next day.

We finally had a talk last night which cleared some of the air. We both acknowledged that we are putting each other last in terms of priorities in life---not purposefully, but by default, since other things whine and demand and have deadlines or stinky diapers. He's going to work on thinking before he speaks, I'm going to work on more clearly articulating my needs so he doesn't feel he has to be a mind reader. Basic basic remedial marriage 101 stuff. I guess its about time for a refresher for us.

The Light L is an extremely touchy & grabby child. Until recently he was obsessed with ears. One thumb in mouth, the other hand fondling someone's ear---anyone who happened to be around. Sometimes even strangers we happened to be standing near, like a dad in our swimming class, or the guy watching the monkeys next to us at the zoo. Awkward. He's moved on from ears, though. To belly buttons. Ummm....more awkward...when he goes up to people and lifts their shirts to poke their "Buttie". I don't want to know what's next.


  1. In a similar place with DH right now - it's just so easy to let that relationship slide, isn't it? Here's hoping things get a bit better now that you've had a bit of a chat.

  2. Bummer, sorry to hear. And I know what you mean, too. I think it's having small kids and all the focus that requires.

    I am working hard on a couple of things:

    1) Assuming "the best" when I hear something negative from hubby, as I may be reading into what he's saying. Asking clarifying questions to be sure.

    2) Trying actively to do/say nice things, give him the opportunity to have his "alone time" etc, even though I am tapped out by the end of the day and really just want alone time myself. I find that doing this tends to improve the atmosphere in the house, because he starts doing the same thing. I guess this is maybe just another version of prioritizing the relationship?

    Good luck!

  3. OH, the "light" made me laugh and laugh! BUTTIE! So adorable, but yeah, headed in a dangerous direction.

    As for the heavy, well, you know I'm in the same boat. And just 'cause it's remedial marriage 101 doesn't mean we can just snap out of it. I TRIED to just give my husband the benefit of the doubt and I TRIED to communicate about things that were upsetting me. Doesn't mean you can't make this work, but me...therapy. It's normal, it's situational, it's so common, and...IT SUCKS.

  4. I think we all get into slumps like that with our partners. And it's so easy to let it spiral out of control by never talking, never resolving those little, nagging issues. We are working super hard right now to emphasize our marriage- monthly date nights, an overnight trip alone together every 3 months or so... I really think it helps. Hugs to you- marriage is TOUGH.

  5. I am the type of person who wants her needs met by voicing them out loud. If I have to spell them out, it comes all sarcastic, or spiteful, or I dunno, something totally inappropriate, because zi was expecting them met, and they were not, and I am such a lousy loser and impatient bitch. Whatever. I have learnt (beats me how, I can't remember if it was during childhood or adolescence) that if I want something, I have to say it. So I became this blunt, almost asperger-ishly person who sometimes says the obvious. Not many people refer to me as tactful, even though I am, but I chose to reach various goals or things by bypassing tact, since it is speedier this way. I can live with that, because the upside of that is that I rarely have problems with communication (with normal people, that is) (MIL is not normal, so yeah). So, I have had only one such issue with my husband in seven years, and that was mainly due to the fact that we were both severely sleep deprived.
    I used to love to love to rub someone's ear when I was a child. And the ear should have been cold. For some reason, I really, really loved rubbing a cold ear, not my own, to fall asleep faster. My mum loved it when I got my own room, she thought she would get out of this ordeal. Nope, she had to tuck me in, and stay for a bit to have her ear rubbed before I fell asleep. It was compulsory only for sleep, otherwise, if I got to rub a ear during the day, it was just a treat. I would only go for mum, dad and my grannie, no one else. Still. I was 12-14 before I finally, very reluctantly had to content to go to sleep without a cold ear to rub.