Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Little Miss Perfect?

I never considered myself a perfectionist. I am the queen of "good enough" when it comes to work products, house cleaning, etc... (ask  my husband). I'll put in the 50% of the work to get to 90% done quickly, maybe add another 5% (if I have time) and move on. Some call it half-assedness.  I call it efficiency. Its how I get everything done and still have time for my family, exercise, hobbies, and sleep.

My therapist disagrees and thinks I do indeed hold myself to very high standards and get anxious at my inability to meet them. I was skeptical for a while. But thinking through how weird I've gotten with the budget thing...which by the way is exactly how I got weird with the calorie counting thing...which is similar to recurring patterns of similar behavior throughout my life...I had a thought.

I don't know if its called "perfectionism" or something else, but its about control. When other things in my life get out of control, I seize on small areas that I can manipulate. And I get a lot of satisfaction from "winning" at these things. Staying in my calorie count, saving $100 off my grocery bill, logging 20K steps a day...little boost to self-esteem that helps motivate me in meeting bigger goals.

There is a huge undercurrent of stress in my professional life right now, with uncertain funding, and papers rejected, and experiments disproving hypotheses. I'm not sure what's going to happen to me next July when my current funding runs out. I don't actually want to talk about this, but its a background. This situation is in many ways out of my control. Yes, I'm trying to write grants, papers, modify experiments, find new areas to focus on...but whether or not its going to work? I can't say with any certainty. I recall feeling this way during our infertility and way before that when all (I mean ALL) my friends were pairing up and I wondered if I'd ever meet a partner or be the 5th (7th, 9th, 11th, 19th...seriously ALL my friends) wheel forever. 

So I turn back to the things that I can modify. And when it works---when I'm meeting my standards of frugality or nutrition or fitness, I feel good about myself & can translate that into productivity and creative thinking. But when it backfires---when I slip up and eat something "bad" (ugh) or my pants are tight or we go over budget---I feel deflated, unworthy, like a failure. And THAT translates to wanting to give up, what's the point, I'm never going to succeed, etc...

Areas that I think I tend towards this perfectionism/control include but are not limited to: money, food, fitness, body image (I could write a whole post about this, I thought I was over it but I'm decidedly not), parenting (not yelling, feeding healthy foods, no screen time, planning activities, etc...) and even my attitude (this is the one my therapist picked up on---I get down on myself for being negative/ungrateful/pessimistic/etc...). I rotate through one or two of these and get really hung up on them for a while, and then I get exhausted, give up, and move on through the cycle.

I like holding myself to high standards---it motivates me to improve--but I also realize that I need to keep things in perspective. Spending $50 more on a self-imposed budget shouldn't lead to self-flagellation (or worse, husband-abuse) nor should 200 extra calories. My kids get over it if I yell at them, and an extra movie or ice cream won't doom them to childhood obesity. And my body...well, absent some serious plastic surgery, the wrinkly belly pooch is here to stay.

Is this really perfectionism or something else? Isn't it normal? If not, is the answer something sappy like "be kind to myself" or "give myself grace" (ugh).

24 comments:

  1. I'm not a therapist, but I always thought it was a little bit of OCD related to locus of control. Same reason most people clean their bathrooms when there's a pressing work deadline. (Currently my desktop icons are the most organized they've been in years.)

    That said, I think you have been right in the past that the budget can be a force for good, a force for loosening up the reins rather than constricting them, for letting things go rather than focusing on every little thing. But maybe with a growth mindset attached-- if something didn't work this month, that's not a cause for freaking out (too much), but a time for reflection, to consider how this mishap fits with the larger goals, and how do we fix things going forward. Is it a one-time event, an ongoing thing, should we change the structure or keep the structure and change the item, etc.?

    I definitely stress out about money when there's job uncertainty in the future. I actually think that's kind of healthy (if you're going to stress out about something...). Stressing out about it when everything is on track is not as healthy. When I'm worried about the future of one of our employments I get out spreadsheets and go over scenario after scenario, I calculate our net worth and how long we can live on it etc. And usually these exercises either calm me down because we won't have to move into DH's parents' basement, or they give me to-do items so I feel like we're making progress. (There's nothing quite like DH calling all of your service providers and getting hundreds of dollars chopped off your annual costs.)

    Hang in there! I feel you with work being stressful. Good luck with the funding situation. Uncertainty in research is a lot easier to deal with when you're not worried about a deadline.

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  2. I can relate to every word of this post. EVERY WORD. And yes, I think it's perfectionism - the idea that if you can control the outcome of one tiny part, if you can do it better than you are currently are, you have a sense of security.

    (I did not realize this either - mostly because I never thought I was actually good enough to be a perfectionist. I told my therapist that I had no deigns on being perfect because I knew it was impossible for me to be "that good." Yeaaaaaaaaah.)

    I've been working at letting go of my Inner Control Perfectionist in places where it's turning into dysfunction (for me, it was calorie counting and marathon training and losing more weight and budgeting), but like whack-a-mole, it pops up in other places (currently, work anxiety and husband nagging, sigh).

    I don't know what the right answer is, Ana. But being aware of it, at least for me, is half the battle. The other half is to sit with the discomfort of feeling crappy or anxious or whatever and not being able to DO something about it. Sigh.

    xoxo

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    1. "I had no deigns on being perfect because I knew it was impossible for me to be "that good." YES. Sounds exactly like what I was thinking! Thank you so much for this comment, it's nice to hear when I'm not alone. meditation---I'll really have to figure out a way to work that into my life.

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  3. Wow, I was seriously drafting a VERY SIMILAR post for tonight. Perfectionism is also something I never attributed to myself (because I also felt I wasn't "good enough" to ever presume to be perfect) until I read Brene Brown and learned the many ways it manifests. Now I see that I am very much a perfectionist, and I do a lot of cutting myself down when I don't live up to my very high standards.

    I want to write more but I'm on my phone and there are only a few minutes left in my half hour of lunch, so it will have to wait. I hope I can follow up tonight, or incorporate some more thoughts into my post.

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    1. I actually went back to the top of the post a few paragraphs in, to be sure it was Ana's, because I thought maybe you wrote it!

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  4. I can so relate, and the way you describe it as "winning" is something I realized I do in my head. I'm not competitve against others, but I am competitive against myself. And yes, that translates into caring more about staying under the calorie count on MFP than listening to my body. You've given me a lot of food for thought.

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    1. i had to quit MFP. I can do it for about 4-6 weeks at a time before I lose it. I think its helpful for a few weeks to see what I'm eating, make some changes, and then back off. For me, I've realized that counting every calorie is just no way to live my life.

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  5. I think it's normal to want to improve at things. I think the key is about what happens when you don't succeed at these goals you set out. How much do you beat yourself up? Can you acknowledge that it was a worthwhile exercise, even if you didn't succeed? Do you feel you're a failure at Y because you failed at X?

    I don't know what's right or what's wrong, but I hope you can have a balance of having those high standards without getting too upset if you fall short sometimes.

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  6. I can relate to this too ... years of perfectionism. Sometimes it's a great motivator. But when it turns into self-flagellation, or a means of control when other things are out of control? Not so great. I've had it spiral out of perfection into depression, when I *really* thought I could never be good enough, or control enough. It's good that you have a positive relationship with a therapist ... and that you know that there are things you need to let go of in order to be healthy. Echoing Mel: thanks for the food for thought.

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    1. striking that balance between motivation and self-flagellation is really the goal. I want to keep striving to be better but to also accept when I fail.

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  7. I need to think this through more fully...but I think perhaps perfectionism is part of a larger control issue that manifest differently in different contexts?

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  8. fantastic post. i can also relate. however, i have tended to step back a bit more now and asked myself: "is this quest for perfection really serving me, or is it more negative?" doing that has allowed me to be pretty relaxed about YNAB, and helps me take a break from workouts when i need it, or even things like blogging every day (an odd obsession i had during residency that was TOTALLY my locus of control!)

    PS: i HATE research for the reasons you mention. the idea of doing work - HARD work - and not knowing if there will be a return on the investment (not financially, but production-wise/career-wise) was pure torture to me and i really just couldn't do it.

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    1. haha re: your second paragraph. I just love the sense of wide-open possibility involved in research. so much cool stuff I want to do---its the doing of it that is less fun in the day to day but I have a hard time imagining just doing clinical work day in day out.
      I am not surprised you relate, but I'm really pleasantly surprised that you've figured out how to reign it in! I do the same thing---(which is what I'm doing with this post, I guess) but I still maybe let it get a bit too far before I step back?

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    2. i feel like you have figured out how to reign it in, too - i.e. quitting MFP, and writing the 2nd budget post!

      i definitely do NOT beat myself up over parenting stuff, and have gotten much better about rigidity about diet (yes, even paleo). i'm still totally vain and have body image thoughts but not to the point that is feels all-consuming or even all that much of a bad thing.

      also, i have never been a budget perfectionist.

      the only thing i tend to beat myself up about is feeling like i am wasting my own time/life because . . . i feel like it's just so precious, and i don't want it eaten up by useless internet time! i truly do get down on myself about that. but that's about it. (also - 2 days strong into the pact :) )

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    3. yes! Pact going strong! It comes & goes for me---the body image/vanity stuff, the freaking out about money stuff, it all comes & goes and I think I've let go of it, but it circles back around. I do know how to reign it in---I recognize it for what it is and try to step away, like with the budget---but not before some small degree of damage is done (fight with spouse, miserable day)

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  9. I absolutely relate to what you are saying, especially the parts about it causing strain on your family life. For me, the destructive thing is that, when I feel my plans are being thwarted - even if it's not really a big deal - (someone spends more money than I think they should, there's an expectation that I should eat food that I don't think I should), I get so incredibly angry. Furious. And I (usually) lash out.
    An example: In the days after DC #2 was born, when we were first home from the hospital, I asked DH to go get some ibuprofen from the store and he returned with a big bottle of the name brand stuff. I was beside myself. How could someone be so stupid and wasteful to buy Advil instead of store brand ibuprofen? I was so angry. I was in incredible pain (I'd had a C-section), was caring for a newborn and a toddler, and now I was going to have to make a special trip to the store to exchange a bottle of Advil. (I'm writing all of this so it's clear that I was not being rational. We were not going to be eating cat food because DH spent $3 more than maybe he *should have*). So instead of just being happy to have the Advil, I got in an argument about buying store brand vs. name brand (he said that he bought it because they only had little bottles of store brand and thought it would be better to buy the big bottle of name brand) with a person who was also stressed and tired about a huge change and was trying to do his best to help me feel better. Not productive. And I have so many other examples. It's really depressing. So... obviously I have no good advice. For me, recognizing the "real" cause of my anxiety can help stem the anger, but it only really goes away when the "real" cause of the anxiety goes away.

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    1. whoa. you are in my head. i'm positive we've had this EXACT scenario play out in my house (minus the c-section). The anger & lashing out is exactly what happened last week after the amusement park trip when my husband bought the extra snacks & then wanted to taxi home. I LOST MY SHIT. That episode prompted a lot of thinking for me, and hopefully I'll find some way to loosen up because in my desire to achieve control on certain things I completely felt out of control in regards to my emotions/anger.

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  11. I don't think that I do this. When I am stressed out at work, I get into a really deep funk and think some pretty messed up things (Things will never get better, I am worthless, Everything is my fault and will never improve.), but I don't shift over to things I can control, I just tend to sit on the couch and wallow and be incapable of doing anything at all. I definitely still yell at my husband for not reading my mind, though. I'm not sure my way of "coping" is any better. Although I'm sure my husband would argue that I can be very particular about how I like things done, I don't think the OCD thing has ever been me.

    What you're describing reminds me a bit about some of the theory behind why people develop anorexia (not saying you're anorexic by any means though, just drawing an analogy). I remember learning the theory that people used control over food intake as a way of gaining a small amount of control over their lives. Perhaps this is a bit of what's going on with you and food/money/everything else.

    I've really had to let go of being perfect at work (even though I keep trying, which is basically the whole point of training), and I try to beat myself up less about my various failings. Perhaps the secret to not being deeply unhappy when things aren't going "perfectly" is reframing work "failures" as learning opportunities, or as "opportunities" to take your career in a different direction altogether (however scary that may be). A faculty member at work told us recently that success can be found in part by being open to the opportunities that present themselves to us and just going with it. I *know* I need to work on that. Perhaps redefining what "success" means to you would be a good place to start. Not sure there's a magic bullet either way.

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    1. yes, I completely know/believe this theory re: anorexia. I have never been CLOSE to having an eating disorder like that, but I always understood the impulse and desire for control & I completely agree that is going on with me, to a very small degree. Wanting to be perfect at work---that's sort of healthy & like you said, the point of training---at least in terms of clinical work. In other areas, opportunities for learning/failing are more appealing. I'm trying to bite off way more than I can chew with some new research avenues & admin roles---but I certainly strive for perfection with my clinical care!

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  12. I can totally relate...

    When I became a professor 11 years ago, I didn't realize how stressful the job would be. I love love LOVE the open-endedness of research, I love teaching, I love working with students. What I didn't realize is how much rejection I would be facing all the freakin' time. Grants rejected more often then not because they are not cool or exciting or transformative enough *eyeroll*; papers rejected from super prestigious journals not because there is anything wrong but because they are not shiny enough or because I myself am "unworthy". And if I don't get grants I don't get to have graduate students or postdocs and I don't get to do research and everything goes to shit. So basically I constantly have to put in huge amounts of Sysiphus work in, applying for grants that will get rejected, only to have a small fraction work out so I can keep working. The amount of fun is so vastly dwarfed by the amount of stupid grant writing that I have to get in order to get to do the fun stuff that one wonders if it's really worth it.

    Honestly, I think I would be nicer to everyone around me if I didn't have to constantly get smacked around with rejections. In order to cope, I think I am constantly clenched and cannot relax, and it permeates my professional and personal life and my relationships with people.

    When things are not going well at work, I am awful to everyone around me. I believe work is my one sphere where I excel, because with kids and DH I can't really control much, so I go with the flow. So work is my sphere of OCD-ness, and when it's not in my control, my world seems to fall apart. Then I start obsessing how I am fat and how we haven't saved for college and how my kids are stupid and lazy and having their brain rot and how I am a horrible mother...

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    1. I think making work the sphere of your control sounds slightly more---productive? or at least the norm (I see this with most of my colleagues) in certain careers. It seems socially acceptable to pour yourself into work and strive for professional success. I sort of wish I would do THAT instead of being paralyzed at work & then waste my energy on trying to save $5 and lose 5 lbs.

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    2. It's not more productive though because one can freeze and lock up leading to procrastination and mistakes. And it leads to sleepless nights and anxiety dreams. (Speaking from current experience... in an airport... totally not going to make the paper deadline for the prominent conference or give a talk tomorrow that's long enough to take the entire time period...)

      I dunno, maybe a little displacement would help productivity. It couldn't be about weight though because I need to eat to think, so deadlines make my pants tight. Starving myself could be almost as bad as not being able to sleep through the night.

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