Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Like a knife

Blech. Can I just say? I'm in a MOOD today. Why, you ask? Oh, just about a hundred things, including:

  • The grant I submitted in October, that I was super excited about because I REALLY want to do this project was outright rejected. It wasn't even DISCUSSED, that's how bad they thought it was and how much they did NOT want to fund it. Felt like a knife in my chest. Does this every get easy? 
  • My immediate response to this was: Eat cookie. Feel visceral need to cheer myself up by buying something pretty (resisted...so far...but there are pretty things in an online shopping cart right now). Distracted myself on internet (btw, I'm super into the idea of "bullet journaling" now, but I did refrain from buying a shiny new yellow notebook with which to try it out.) Fantasize about quitting job. Beat myself up for not coping better. Why can't my coping strategy be: "get super focused and productive".
  • Since "quitting job" isn't happening for 1001 reasons, consider alternate career paths. Think about seeing patients all day every day. And do all those charts. And answer all those phone calls. Nopenopenopenope. Get depressed because this is my only other marketable skill. 
  • Kids were so challenging yesterday. No. They were awful. They complained about the dinner I was making, which they loved yesterday and were upset because they had eaten it all, but suddenly its "gross and yucky and you're mean and I hate it". Then they proceed to eat it all. They wanted to "play with me" but then got upset because I didn't want to play "wrestling" and I'm no fun and mean and they hate it. 
  • Basically they both are in the phase right now of "mommy sucks". Daddy even gets a hug from B (he does not like to hug) when we get home, while I get...nothing. They want him to play with them constantly, and when he can't because he's doing something, they insist I am the one to do the chore instead. I was OK with that until I wasn't. I don't want to clean the kitchen every single day so he can give them baths & wrestle with them. "Daddy is strong, he NEVER says I'm too heavy to carry. Why can't you be strong? Daddy knows everything. Oh, you don't know? We'll just ask Daddy. Oh you can't do that? Daddy will fix it for us. Daddy is funny, how come you're not funny?". Its ADORABLE that they literally think he's superman. I love it. Its just that they save all the anger and frustration and combativeness for me, and I am not up for all that. 
  • Bedtime, which I used to love---we'd get all cozy and read books and I'd sing them their bedtime song and snuggle---has become the worst. B is all amped up and out of control, he gets really angry and combative, jerks around, won't snuggle or let me touch him, won't be quiet---is yelling & shouting, and continuously coming out of his room. Ugh. 
  • This morning, when I told G I had to leave early, he said "WHAT?" since I forgot to tell him last night (because I went straight to bed after I'd put B in bed for the last time. I said "well, its on the calendar" (not only do we share a Google calendar, but because he never checks it, I also transfer everything onto a whiteboard calendar in our kitchen) "OH, its on the CALENDAR, well then..." he says sarcastically. FFS, am I really supposed to remind him of every damn thing the night before? The whole reason I keep a fucking calendar is that I can't remember this stuff myself. AAARGH.
  • An appointment for a specialist we were referred to for B has a TWENTY FOUR MONTH wait list. WTF. Everywhere else is "inferior" we were told, but we need to figure out who is the least inferior because seriously, WTF. In the meanwhile we are in limbo and trying not to freak out because we are not sure there is anything to freak out about (though we are 98% sure, actually). (specifics later, when we know more)
  • My  hair is sticking up funny
  • Its raining and will be raining for the next 2 days.
  • I am taking Friday off to have "special mommy-son day" with B since he inexplicably has no school. I am DREADING IT.
Ooh. I'm going to make myself a cup of tea. that will make me feel better!
(j/k I'm really going to go home and drink)


  1. Hon, if you were closer I would totally make you a cup of my Special Tea, which is heavily laced with brandy and honey. I can almost guarantee you would like it.

    It took me a long time to condition Dr. S to look at our Google calendar! And sometimes he still forgets. But at least now he doesn't get pissy at ME about it.

    1. I tried. LIke I REALLY REALLY tried with the google calendar, but he said it was confusing because he uses outlook at work (my work does to, but I again, copy everything over into my google calendar so I have one master calendar). So the kitchen calendar thing was our compromise. Really, what the kitchen calendar does is reminds ME to remind HIM usually. He still hasn't gotten into actually looking at it.

    2. Spouses: harder to train than animals. If only they had calendar clicker training! (I jest mainly. Dr. S is never going to let me forget the time he had to take the boys to sexual harassment training with him because of MY calendar forgetting, though.)

    3. Here via the Grumpies (not sure if I've commented before). I use Google calendar but my work (and thus all my colleagues) use Outlook. One word: Gsyncit. I use the free evaluation version and thus have to remember to activate it, but it puts everything from Google onto Outlook and vice versa.

      Of course if your DH doesn't want family stuff showing up on his work calendar, then that's a different problem that GSyncit won't solve. I actually use 3 different google calendars (me at work, me not at work, family) but only sync the me at work one.

  2. Melatonin has made me a better parent at bedtime. I'm sort of dreading the weaning.

    What is up with the random no school days? We have them coming up in a few weeks. ARGH.

    And no feedback on the grant? That would piss me off, too. Is that standard for those in your field?

    1. I"ll get the reviewer comments in a month or so...but only the top % of the grants actually get discussed at study section meetings (and then get ranked, and then based on the funding situation they set a cut off score above which the grants get funded) The rest get "triaged" if the reviewers really felt they were not fundable.

  3. OMG, I cannot tell you how often in the past week/month/year I have thought, 'Why can't my coping strategy be: "get super focused and productive".'

    1. p.s. I'm also doing a mommy-son friday because DC1 inexplicably has a half day and DH is traveling again.

      Also I'm drinking tea because my throat still hurts but I only wish it had brandy. :(

  4. I swear sometimes the things you write about your family could be written by me verbatim. I laughed out loud about the calendar because we have the same issue here at chez-OMDG. It has gotten better, mostly because I just put things on the calendar and follow it, and I generally don't bother to tell him about any of it anymore. If my husband messes up and misses something that's on it, for once, he's left holding the bag.

    Go home and have a glass of wine. You deserve it.

  5. I also feel like you're writing about my life. I keep track of all things and have to remind K about things right before they happen, otherwise he forgets. I'm just used to it by now. J will tell you I am the boss. That's somehow gratifying to me, that even my kids see I am he boss of Daddy. It doesn't make them listen to me, though.

  6. i almost had to laugh a little reading this, because this is my life, 100%. The career rejection, the lack of transferable skills (and therefore, lack of options), daddy always getting to be the 'fun' one, the husband who never checks the calendar, the stupidly long wait lists for doctors (SO common in Canada)- EVERYTHING! Based on the comments here, it looks like this is a common theme with so many of us. I know that's no help, but misery does love company!

    Hang in there, Ana. Do have that glass of wine. It helps.

  7. Academic science is so hard. The rejections are many and it can really make you question your worth. Take 24-48 hours to wallow (I always do) then soldier on.

    Hope things improve on all fronts soon.

  8. Wine. Definitely wine. I hope it was good!

    And yes, this weather is atrocious.

  9. Laughing quite hard on your travails! Raising a family, especially with very energetic kids can rob us of strength. I never understand where they get the stamina, because I think I have none left. Lately, though, we are gearing the family for a camping trip and buying gear for the entire brood. Most are curious at the amount of gear and food we are packing. Talk about innocence! Hubby also taught the boys how to use the gear properly and has shown videos regarding knives and tomahaws http://myoutdoorslife.com/diy/how-to-make-a-knife.html