Monday, February 15, 2016

Monday Monday

This weekend was...ok. I started feeling a bit "meh" on Saturday. It was the first weekend in a long time that I started, in the morning, counting down the hours until bedtime. That is never a good sign.

After the gym (for me) and swimming, we stayed home the rest of the day; a lot of it on my own while G ran errands, walked the dog, and generally tried to get away! B was more challenging than usual (which is pretty damn challenging to begin with), and I lost it with him by 10AM. We were all walking home from the gym, and he was complaining how much he hated his swimming class and he was cold and he wanted to go home and this and that and BORING and HATE and NOT FAIR and and and. Yes, it was really freaking cold, and I also really wanted to be home, but I couldn't GET home, because he literally just STOPPED WALKING and was standing, rooted to the spot, staring into nowhere. I know---I KNOW---that this is what he does when he's upset & overwhelmed & his (to quote "No Drama Discipline") his "upstairs brain" and his "downstairs brain" are completely disconnected. There is no use trying to reason with him that if he hurried up we could be warm & he could play. I tried consoling him, making it a game, making jokes, pretty much everything I could muster up despite the fact that I was freezing and starving. I finally said "What is WRONG with you?! COME ON!" and trying to push him along a little by grabbing his back. He turned or I missed or something, but I ended up smacking the back of his head, and he then looked at me with big teary eyes and quivering lips. Mother of the year.

Even on reflection, though, I can't think of how I could have best handled this. I mean, I know I didn't have to be physically rough, but how could I have resolved the situation before it got to that? He does not respond well to us picking him up and carrying him home (even if I could carry a 6 year old home after 60 minutes of strength training, and both of us wearing several layers of clothing). It was simply TOO COLD to just pull him aside and sit with him until he calmed down. I didn't even have anything on me to bribe him with. Sometimes I just don't think I'm up for the task of raising this child.

So, yeah, I was a bit bummed out Saturday. Sunday I went to the gym again (non-negotiable) and then took the boy to the children's museum (despite B's protests and 45 minutes of complaining). It was ridiculously crowded---the whole city had the same idea on the bitterly cold day, I guess. But we stayed for almost 5 hours. I did NOT lose it the whole time, though I very well could have. I was proud of myself.

G stayed home but unfortunately didn't get a moment to relax, there was so much to be done. Our washer broke on Saturday---full to the rim of water that we couldn't get to drain. So he had to empty it cup by cup into the small bucket we had, and take the bucket upstairs to the kitchen sink. And THEN take several loads of laundry to the laundramat to wash & dry them. We bought a new washer and dryer (total satisficing, we picked the highest rated one on Sweethome & bought it from the place with the earliest delivery), but the earliest we could get it delivered is next Thursday. 10 days away. Another weekend at the laundramat (which thankfully is only 2 doors down!).

When we got home, G & the boys watched a movie, and I cooked dinner and had some wine in the lovely lovely quiet. Then I had some more wine with dinner, and a little more hanging out with G after the kids were in bed. I stayed up too late, but regardless I got to work & had a productive morning. All my boys at are home and I'm here---this has been a common pattern the past few weeks.

But...and here it is...I'm still feeling meh. The snow is coming down outside (I think) but I can't see it from my window. I'm crossing things off my list, I've planned out the week. I'm finally not sick anymore.  I'm back to my healthy eating (did NOT over the weekend. Crackers, calzone, rice...lots of carbs). There isn't, however, anything FUN coming up I can look forward to---I need to plan something. And I need to remind myself to look harder for the bright spots. I know they are there, I just need to have the right eyes to see them.

13 comments:

  1. It sounds like you tried everything I can think of. Carrying would be my only next option, but I probably can't carry a 6 year old very far even without having spent the morning doing strength training. My perfect oldest child will occasionally pull stuff like that (especially when he was 7-- maybe yours is a bit advanced). It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or with your child.

    Our washer broke last week while I was traveling in the same way! But sine it wasn't our washer (we're renting the house), DH fixed it instead of getting a new one. If it had been ours he would totally have gotten a new one instead. He says in the process of cleaning out the blocked filter area he had to see things that he can never unsee. Also we found out where DC2's missing socks went. (And, in an unfrugal move, he threw out all the change he found in there because yuck. The socks also got tossed.)

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    1. there is a whole saga behind this washer. 3 weeks later and we're done with messing around!

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    2. I don't think there is anything wrong with me, either. My kid---we're still trying to work that out.

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  2. Your B sounds so much like my son J!! Yesterday I had to take away all his Valentines chocolates because he told me I was a meanie who never buys anything (this because I'd promised him ginger ale, but the vending machine didn't have any, so he decided I should buy him lunch instead. No.). So, solidarity.

    Regarding your situation, I probably would've picked him up & carried him as far as I could. J weighs 69 pounds, and I can still carry him a decent distance. But then a few feet later. We would've been in the same situation again. So, I don't know.

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    1. I can't really carry a heavy and FIGHTING child (he doesn't like being touched at all, and would FREAK if I tried to carry him).
      Yes, B says stuff like that ALL the time "You NEVER blah blah blah" even when I did the exact thing 5 minutes ago. I bought him a pretzel at the museum and then 15 minutes later said no to juice and its "you NEVER buy me anything. I NEVER get juice. you are SO MEAN" etc...

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    2. It is crazy-making, isn't it?!??

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  3. Ugh. Tiny Boy does similar things, but he's smaller (30 lbs)...still difficult to wrangle under those circumstances.

    Our washer broke in the exact same way several years ago...I feel like the issue was a child's sock ?

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    1. ours was the motor. it was a long (boring) saga!

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  4. Ugh. Just reading about that episode after swimming made my stomach clench something awful. I totally know what those moments are like, and I know what it feels like to look back on them and not have any better ideas of how I might have handled it. Ugh. I'm sorry. That sucks. You know I know how much that sucks. I so, so know. It's nice to know that even perfect kids can pull that shit too, though, doesn't it. ;)

    I'm totally feeling the "meh" lately as well. My period is due in about a week, and it seems I'm relegated to the doldrums for the whole fucking 2WW these days (it's so silly to call it that, but I can't bring myself to use the phrase "luteal phase" so it will have to do. I suppose some of what we learn over years of TTC never leaves us).

    I hope you find some of those bright moments this week. I like that phrasing a lot, and have been using it myself, in my own head, reminding myself to be looking for them. For some reason "bright spots" is just a really nice way of saying it for me, it makes me want to look for the bright spots instead of feeling some morbid obligation to feel gratitude... God I'm the worst right now. I'll just stop this comment here, before I say something completely vile.

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    1. thanks for just getting it. it its so so nice to not feel completely alone!

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    2. i kind of hate the luteal phase too! too bad that's like half of life until menopause :) (well 40% in my case, i have a long cycle)

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  5. we've been dealing with horrendous tantrums nightly these days that seemed to come out of nowhere so i feel your pain at least a little bit. AGH. parenting is really really hard sometimes.

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