Monday, March 7, 2016

I was alive...

Warning: spoilers for the finale of Breaking Bad. If you haven't watched it and think you might (and you SHOULD), skip this post.

We finished--hands clutched, heart racing--the last two episodes of Breaking Bad Friday night. The finale was perfection, like the rest of the show. Certain lines and scenes from the show have been haunting me all weekend. It's like a book hangover, but even more intense, with music, audio, and visual. 

There is one line that I cannot get out of my head. For me, it sums up the entire story, and also answers the question that I've been asking myself for weeks "Why the hell am I still rooting for this monster?"When he comes to say goodbye to his family, Walt finally admits to Skylar his motivation: "I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. And... I was really... I was alive" 

This. This is what we can all relate to. This is what we are rooting for. Because who doesn't, deep down, long for that feeling. Being truly ALIVE. Finding your hidden talent and running with it, showing it to the world. No longer sleepwalking through life, but being fully engaged, carpe-ing that diem and owning it.

Don't we all search for that? Maybe in a career, or a hobby? We travel to exotic lands hoping we'll feel it there. Some look for a new love or lust to ignite the feeling, to wake themselves up. We buy things---or we save our money hoping to leave our jobs believing "alive" will come once the 9 to 5 is over.

Walt's transformation was simply the twisted nightmare distortion of the trite "find your passion" life advice that accosts us on  a near daily basis. And as much as it is cliche, unrealistic, and pretty terrible career advice for most people, I admit to more than a little envy for those who have made it happen. Not just the lucky few that are able to make something they love into a profitable career, but including those that can clearly identify what their passion and talent even  is.

As I sleepwalked through my mundane, mind-numbing weekend, I just kept wondering: what makes me feel alive? I honestly wish I knew.

What makes you feel alive? What is the best TV show you've ever watched (I need something really good to follow this one).

26 comments:

  1. Ana- you've just summed up exactly what I loved so damned much about that show (and yes, BB is the best show EVER)! I loved Walt, despite the horrible things he did, because he embraced his passion- he really lived. I so wish I could feel that way... without having to cook meth, of course.

    I know exactly what makes me feel alive. Yoga, writing, cooking, spending time in nature. My big four. I would be the most happy, fulfilled woman on the planet if I could spend every day doing just those things. And I could make money doing any one of those things- even all of them- but they wouldn't provide me with the income or the stability and safety that I desire. So I totally agree that advising people to pursue something they are passionate about as a career is just bad advice. I mean- fantastic, if all of your needs can be met by pursuing your passion as a career, but I believe that there is so much more to consider when choosing a career.

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    1. Yes! You get it! I wouldn't say I "loved" him...he was truly a horrible monster and ruined so many lives (I did..sort of...love Jesse, though) but I really admired/envied that aspect.
      I'm sure I could actually come up with things that make me feel alive (being in nature is absolutely on that list) but I spent the weekend sick and with a migraine and with terrible whiny misbehaving kids and fighting with my husband so I was a little low on inspiration at the moment. I'll have to revisit it.

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  2. I have never seen Breaking Bad but I love this post!

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    1. you should. really if you are going to watch anything, watch this.

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  3. My two favorite TV shows of my adult life are Gilmore Girls and The X-Files (I believe Breaking Bad has some of the same writers as TXF, actually). Other things I've enjoyed in the past five years or so include The Good Wife, Weeds, Nurse Jackie, Parenthood (Lauren Graham!). And The Fall (horribly horribly dark, but I'll watch anything with Gillian Anderson).

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    1. Vince Gilligan (who created BB) did a few X-files episodes. I've never watched that show...I'll put it on my list! Parenthood will be my watch-by-myself show once I finish GG (I've been working through it for over a year now, still on season 5)

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    2. LG and I are also watching season 5. Luke and Lorelai--yay! Logan--eh. Forgot to say I love Homeland Seasons 1-2.

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  4. Breaking Bad is the best show ever. Have not found a good follow-up though I do watch Better Call Saul.

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    1. Is it good? I like Saul OK, not sure whether to try this one out or not.

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  5. Nobody I know who had a real passion (paleontology, being a veterinarian, etc.) had it actually work out after all the graduate school was over and reality of working those jobs hit.

    What makes me feel alive? Eating extremely delicious food. Having really good sex with my husband. And then to a lesser extent... Getting enough sleep. Not being sick anymore after having been sick. Snuggling with my kids. Hiking someplace cool and lush, especially if there are tiny waterfalls and/or little lizards. Seeing my students get an aha moment that pushes them from fear of math to love for it.

    So I guess I'm a pretty unexciting hedonist.

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    1. the student part...that speaks to your talent as a teacher, its about YOU doing something vs. consuming/experiencing the good stuff in the world (which anyone can do). that's the kind of thing I'm getting at here...

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    2. I'm not sure people can appreciate amazing food quite as much as I can. I mean, I am *really* good at it.

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    3. My husband and I really, really love amazing food, too. It's often the highlight of our day. Note: My husband is an exceptional cook.

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  6. I feel that way after I manage a crisis well in the OR. When I complete some major athletic endeavor. Reading some books. Listening to really good music.

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    1. YES, managing a crisis in the OR definitely (and awesome, since that is your job!). I definitely felt like that many nights on call as a resident---while I hated being in the hospital all night & not getting sleep, at night there was no administrative bullshit, just pure medicine, and it felt awesome when I could make decisions and manage crises.

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    2. outpatient medicine just doesn't lead to that feeling very often, if at all. It can be interesting, but a lot of issues become rote very quickly, I give my same spiel several times a day. The only part that feels good is actually when a patient finally GETS it and understands their disease process and starts to take ownership in managing it. Its teaching, actually.

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    3. I had the same experience on nights as an intern, and on call now. I can see how outpatient medicine could get repetitive. Believe me anesthesia can too. I worry about that for when I'm an attending. It's one of the reasons I want to do research too.

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  7. So, you're going to hate me but we could never get past the third season of Breaking Bad. We had the final DVD of it from Netflix (that is how long ago we tried to watch it) for MONTHS with only ONE EPISODE left to watch and we ended up sending it back without watching that one episode. I can't really remember what drove us away--I think it was just that none of the characters were likable. And I really hated the wife which just felt so unfair, and I hate it when a show makes me hate a woman character when it seems really unfair to hate her. I don't know. I've heard good things about the end, but it just made me so depressed to watch it... Maybe I'll try again knowing you liked it so much.

    I don't know if I would recommend watching The X-Files at this point. I was OBSESSED with that show when I was young. OBSESSED. I had pictures of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson all over my room. I taped (on VHS!) every episode and re-watched them ad naseum. I ordered scripts to read (WTF?!) and sent Gillian Anderson a baby gift when she had Piper (no really, I did that)--and yes I remember her daughter's name. All this to say, I was a SUPER FAN. And I've gone back and re-watched some of my favorite episodes (and realized that not only do I know what everyone is going to say before they say it, but I anticipate the intonations and head movements. It's terrifying actually--I watched them enough times that 18 years later I still know them by heart), and I realized they just aren't very good anymore. I mean, I enjoy them because of the nostalgia factor, but I don't know if they would hold up for someone watching them for the first time. Just my two cents... Maybe I'm not a good person to ask since I loved them so much once.

    Twin Peaks? Now the first season of that will be phenomenal FOREVER. I've watched in ten times and it never gets old and never feels dated. It's amazing.

    But back to the real point of this post... it has been one of the BIG disappointments of my life that no passion has presented itself to me, that there is nothing I feel I NEED to do. I keep waiting, patiently for it to happen, but I'm pretty sure that it won't and I think I've accepted that. I've always been kind of a jack-of-all-trades: decent at a lot of things but not super great at any one thing. I think I thought parenting was going to be that one thing--that I was both great at and had this amazing passion for. But it wasn't. And I think I've spent the last five years slowly and painfully coming to terms with that. It's been rough. ;)

    I honestly don't know what my passion is, what makes me feel ALIVE. And I might never find out.

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    1. yup, I feel the same way re: patiently waiting and nothing coming up. maybe I need to actively go searching?

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    2. and for you, and anyone else---the show is really awesome in the beginning and the end, but I agree, the middle was less compelling and mostly depressing (well, its all depressing). We would watch only an episode or so a week in the middle, I just wasn't feeling it, but we made it through and then could not stop! I felt the same way about the wife, and sort of hated myself for it, too. I think the complex feeling viewers have for the characters---hating vs. loving characters that really don't deserve it---is one of the more fascinating aspects of the show itself. What is it about Walt that makes you root for him? Why does everyone hate Skyler so much? It really made me think about my own morality. Anyways, yes, of course I think you should finish watching it.

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  8. Crazy Dancing with my family (in general anytime but especially at weddings) makes me feel really alive. When everyone is throwing shapes - grandparents, siblings, kids - everyone is happy - It's just the best. Not exactly something you can build a career around, but it is possible to get it into your life on a regular basis.

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    1. "possible to get it into your life on a regular basis"---YES. when you find what you love, try to make it happen as often as possible.

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  9. And my favourite tv show is Buffy the Vampire Slayer - especially the musical episode

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    1. my husband LOVED that show. I don't know if it will stand the test of time...most people watched it as a teen.

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  10. My husband loved BB. I got into it, but then my interest fizzled out. I did watch it, and I enjoyed the ending. I love the stories of how one can transform from good to bad and being both at times, I find them fascinating. But I can't say I loved BB. I do love MASH, Fringe, Gilmore Girls, Life on Mars as well as Ashes to Ashes, (both of them have a most entertaining character, Gene Hunt, larger than life that one), and Last Tango in Halifax (the last three are BBC productions).
    As funny as it sounds, I have found something that "lights my fire" recently, and it is most surprising since I thought that it would be something dead and buried. I have rediscovered linguistics, and I am so curious and interested to find out more about what happened since I studied that in Uni (which is A LOT, YAY), that I might just go back to school to learn more. If the schedule accommodates my priority of taking care of my kids, I will sign up for a post-graduate degree.

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    1. wow that is awesome! good for you mina and I hope you get to pursue your dreams!

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