These things are not moral failings...

Just a tiny rant about things I've recently seen people get judge-y about. I consider than simply a matter of personal preference, personality, or biology rather than a reflection on underlying character, values, or moral fiber.

I may or may not relate to any of these...* 

• Being a picky or non-adventurous eater (or having kids that are that way)
• Dislike (or inability) to wake up early
• Not liking to travel or being unadventurous in your travel destinations
• Watching TV (or letting your kids watch TV)
• Having 0, 1, 4 or any number of children you can care for financially and emotionally
• Enjoying clothes, or shoes, or shopping
• Preferring the non-high-brow version of things like beer, chocolate, cheese
• Not being interested in or adept at the cutely domestic things like scrapbooking, knitting, sewing, baking, gardening 
• Cooking "semi homemade" style rather than making your own bread, pasta sauce, etc....
• Going on a regular date night
• Not going on a regular date night
• Dressing in ways that may be considered "flashy" or "inappropriate" 
• Being overweight, underweight, or normal weight

Seriously most of these have come up in the last few weeks.

*Bet you can't guess which ones apply to me!

Wide Margins

There is an interesting post on Laura Vanderkam's blog detailing the "ideal week" of an imaginary woman (Jane) that is balancing a family and a super-important job. Go skim the beginning, and then read in detail Jane's daily schedule. How do you feel after reading it?

I think the point was to make the reader feel inspired, because Look! Jane works 55 hours a week and still has lots of time for her kids, and exercise, and even date night! And I think the underlying message---that higher-level jobs offer the flexibility to allow for as much (if not more) family time than lower-level jobs. And the money to outsource the "non-priorities" that eat up a lot of women's time. So yes, lean in! Get a great job that affords you the ability to build your own schedule that fits your family's needs.

But honestly,  reading Jane's actual schedule exhausted me. So much packed into each day, with no downtime (and unrealistically, sometimes no commute or get-ready time---how does she stop running at 9:30 and get downtown to work by 10?). It would require meticulous scheduling and planning, not to mention endless reserves of physical and mental energy to stick to such a routine.

I can't live like that. I've tried. I know that there are many unused corners in my 168-hour week. If I work 45 hours and sleep 50 hours, that still leaves over SEVENTY hours in the week. I could be working out an hour a day, keeping my house immaculate, and spending loads of quality time with my husband and kids.

But it doesn't work like that, does it? All hours are not equal. I may have an hour from 9-10pm, but I can't fit work-outs there, I'm exhausted, its dark & unsafe outside, and it'd keep me from falling asleep. I also can't work out when L needs cuddles at 5:30 AM (we take turns providing the cuddles, so one of us can work out).

And maybe I COULD get out a spreadsheet and carefully add all the puzzle pieces so that my days are penciled with productive activities from 5:30 AM to 10:30 PM on weekdays and the weekends are equally scheduled with "fun". It could work in theory. But in reality, something will come up, and one activity will have to be pushed to another day. And suddenly the whole thing falls apart.

I realized I like my life to have wide margins. Time for down-time, to make up what didn't happen yesterday, to fit in an unexpected emergency without throwing off the entire day, week, month.
At home, it fits with my goal of creating more free time and relaxation for our family.  At work, it just keeps me from being a frazzled, anxious mess. I know people who schedule meetings back to back to back with no regard for a) travel time or b) needing downtime in between to eat/pee/check email. Invariably they just get later & later as the day wears on. I can't live like that.

When I was young and naive, I used to love to be busy. I adored looking at my calendar and seeing all the social activities, and volunteer work, and hobbies I had scheduled. Opportunities for living (because you know, my greatest fear was "not having a life").

But I've grown and I've changed, and now I love nothing more than a blank day. The expanse of white paper, and the possibilities it holds.

Not quite right

Has this ever happened to you? You buy some article of clothing...let's say its a dress. The dress looks amazing in the store. The color, the style...its perfect. You quickly try it on and glance in the mirror---its a gorgeous dress, indeed. You pay for it (considerably more than you would normally pay) and bring it home.

And then you put it on the next morning, and you realize that something is a bit...off. Its a little tight here, a little loose there. But still! Great dress! So you go on to work, confident that you look amazing. As the day wears on, however, you notice you are constantly tugging at it, straightening the hem, yanking up the neckline, adjusting the waist. You look in the mirror again---its weirdly creased, and perhaps a bit low cut. All day long you are self-conscious and distracted from whatever else is going on around you by constantly needing to adjust the (gorgeous! fabulous!) dress.

The next time you try it with a scarf. And then a belt. Different shoes. You take it up an inch. No matter how you tweak it though....something isn't right. But you just can't admit the truth---perhaps this dress, amazing as it is, is not the dress for you.

And that's how I'm feeling about my life these days. I'm tweaking, I'm adjusting, and yet I don't feel comfortable.  And I can't quite pinpoint what the problem is, it just feels...off.  I'm distracted from the here and now by trying to figure out how to make it better, when, honestly, it shouldn't be so hard, should it?

Maybe its time for a change? Or maybe its the rain, our (AGAIN for the love of god) leaking roof, and my achy sinuses, or the 10 lbs I've gained that make all my clothes too tight. I think I'm going to stop trying so hard and see how it goes.

Not second fiddle

Oh poor neglected L, who barely gets mentioned on this blog! My baby L is pretty close to not being a baby anymore. He is a force to be reckoned with, just so full to overflowing of excitement and dare-devilry. I see pictures of how ridiculously tiny he was, too, and marvel---he's gone from below the 5th percentile in all parameters (and wearing 6 month old clothes until he turned one), to the 25th percentile and is in 24 month clothes already---has he mastered photosynthesis? He doesn't eat.

His words still sound mostly like animal noises, but the family can make out his "uck" (hug), "eye-sher-eeee" (ice cream), and "idonwany" (i don't want it).  Everything is "MINE!" from food to toys to people he wants to hug and strangle and grab and pinch. This leads to some...uncomfortable...experiences at the playground, when he grabbed a lollipop out of a tween's mouth and the next day grabbed a little girl's face, repeatedly, as she looked on terrified.

He is also fast as lightening. I've had to chase him, full-on sprinting, many a time when he head for the street from the middle of the park. We've had several glasses break when he decided to climb ON the dining table and jump around, and yesterday I panicked when I realized he'd climbed from the first to the THIRD floor, and turned the water on full-blast in the tub.

Really I am reveling in just how uncomplicated he is at this age. Sure, he gets clingy (he was in a moMMEEE, moMMEEE phase this weekend where only mommy, apparently, would do), but even that is admittedly a bit heart-warming. He needs (in this order): cuddles, freedom, water, cars to play with, naps, and occasional food. He also loves his brother, to the point of literally smothering him when he wakes each morning and lighting up like the sun when B acknowledges him in any way. 

Mostly he is happy---jumping up & down shrieking and clapping hands, so freaking happy, I wish I could bottle it and save it for the cranky years that are certainly coming.

I remember finding this phase exhausting with B. He's a different kid---was precociously verbal and thus was more complicated at an earlier age, but mostly I think it was because I was heavily pregnant with L when B reached 1 1/2. Honestly that time was a blur of exhaustion and stress.

I'm glad I'm enjoying it this time...the last time.

Friend or enemy?

B. He's trying to kill us...slowly. Honestly, I think we may need professional help, because we are all about to lose it...

He wakes up grumpy, with a pouty, scowl-y face, which would be comical if it weren't so annoying. Refuses to get out of bed, change out of his diaper, put on clothes. I've tried all kinds of incentives, games, distractions, songs, races, etc... I've let him pick the order of things, pick his own clothes, let him do it himself vs. help him vs. do it for him, wear PJs all day if that's what he prefers. Nothing works. Eventually there is hitting (he hits us), flailing about and crying. 

The new thing (for the past few days) is "idon'tlikethisshirt" repeated constantly in a monotone with eyes glazed all day long, despite the fact that he PICKED that shirt, and doesn't want any other shirt (because, idon'tlikethoseshirtseither"). He circumvented that with letting him wear PJs, but now its "idon'tlikethesePJs". Seriously, ALL DAY, like a malfunctioning robot on the (completely adorable) robot PJs that he really doesn't like. 

What do you want for breakfast, B? We have x, y, and z. "What do we have?". X, Y, and Z. "what do we have". Like I said, X, Y, and Z. "what else do we have?" Nothing else. "what do we have" X, Y, and Z. repeat for 15 minutes. "I want X". Make X, give it to him. "I don't want that. What do we have?". and then "i'mhungry...i'mhungry...i'mhungry...."X100000. 

Then there's the hitting--me, daddy, L, the dog, whoever is within reach. This I really cannot abide. I want to discipline but again, nothing works. He has no toys he is attached to, no real physical objects other than his lovey that I would never take away as a punishment. So I take away privileges--he likes watching videos of his songs on youtube after dinner, eating ice cream for dessert, listening to music, watering the plants, "helping" with some cooking task. These things are all tied to behaviors and they are all usually gone by 7AM...then what? Time out doesn't work because he doesn't stay (and I am iffy about the whole concept), and I have to forcefully put him back over & over & over---hitting & flailing & kicking all the way.

Oh, and last week he bust out with "stupid". Now its on heavy rotation. G contends he learned it at daycare, whereas I'm pretty sure he learned it at home, from G! This was something I didn't expect for another couple of years so we didn't have a good strategy in place when it suddenly came up. I tried to be calm about it yet convey that we do not use that word...and now whenever he is angry, he will wield it. He has no clue what it means, and doesn't say "you're stupid" or "that's stupid", just "stoopit stoopit stoopit".

 Patience is hard to maintain (I admit I've sometimes given way to banshee-shrieking on a tired hurried morning). Always handling things consistently, over time and between the two of us, is really really challenging when its a constant barrage. Everything I read is conflicting---"take away privileges", "positive discipline", (and if you dare read comments "ass whooping") etc... And the household just feels...heavy.

I know 3 is a notoriously tough age, with all the cognitive development short-circuiting his little brain. I know this behavior is the outward manifestation of some inner turmoil---but I can't figure out what the turmoil is or how to quiet it. It hurts me that he is clearly suffering from SOMETHING to be so angry and sad all the time. But yet, I can't let him go around hitting or saying bad words, and there is no hearing person on earth who could withstand that high-level whining for very long. And of course there is the part of me that can't help thinking...what the hell is so awful with your life you ungrateful little...

There are good times, but they are becoming fewer and farther between. Even bedtime stories, previously full of cuddling and giggling, has been replaced with "idon'tlikethisshirt" "idon'twantthatbook" and tantrums when the stories are over.

Obviously any advice is welcome, as well as words of hope. Or wine. We're running dangerously low. 

The Distance Between...

...expectations and reality is where most unhappiness resides.

I feel this most keenly around holidays--pretty much all of them. Well, maybe not Memorial Day. There aren't many hopes & dreams pinned on Memorial Day are there? We don't hold these images of the "perfect Memorial Day" in our heads since childhood. Nor are there any obligations on either my part or anyone else's. I like Memorial Day. 

The other time I feel it is at the end of a stressful period. I just imagine there will be some sort of celebratory, festive something...but, no. I came home Friday fresh in the triumph of a challenge met and got right to...making dinner. 

In actuality, it ended up being quite a lovely weekend. I did indulge myself in a tiny bit of self-pity about all the things that did not go as desired. Strangely, I didn't really have anything concrete in mind for how I wanted the weekend to go, just...differently. Better behaved kids? More agreeable husband? More sunshine? If I don't even know myself what I wanted, how should anyone else? (they just should, that's all. they should simply read deep into the winding crevices of my mixed-up mind)

On a whim I had bought & planted some strawberry plants in a container out back. Yesterday we saw 2 tiny pink&white berries. B was so excited. L lunged immediately to pull them off the stem. I stopped him but he did end up grabbing up half of my chives, and wailed for a couple of minutes in frustration at his thwarted efforts. 

It's complicated, life these days. Its really impossible to have a homogeneously "good" moment, much less a whole day. But that would be boring, right? (right?)

Release

In a fit of purging---and of feeling completely exhausted and defeated by the job of mothering a 3 year old & a toddler---I gave away ALL of our outgrown baby clothes & items.

Gulp...