I have a long list of topics to write about, but most are weightier than I feel like tackling in between rounding & grant writing today.
I started my new schedule of early rising to work (more on that another day), and it went wonderfully, even though B did wake up in the middle of it and complained about being tired (I sent him back to bed, and then they both woke up 15 minutes late wanting breakfast). I'll have more time once they recalibrate from the time change, but I'll miss how EASY bedtime was last night.
I'm motivated to work hard by the goal of NOT working next weekend. I really want this grant to be 90% done by Friday at 5 pm so I can forget about it until I proofread and tweak minor things on Monday and then get it submitted by Tuesday. One can dream.
I've nearly decided to NOT watch election coverage tomorrow evening and just go to bed early and see the results when I wake up. I need to wake up extra early Wednesday anyways, and have a long day ahead. It won't be good for me to stay up fretting (and stress eating).
I am, however, excited to go vote. It never gets old, but it'll be particularly meaningful this time, I think. I'm definitely planning to take the kids, too.
Lunch is sounding good right now...
Monday, November 7, 2016
Sunday, November 6, 2016
24 Hours
The rest of yesterday ended up being quite rejuvenating. Almost luxurious. And it was 100% due to the unconditional understanding and support of my husband. He really (finally) seems to get how much call takes out of me, and how impossible it is for me to treat it as a normal weekend, where I jump back into the chores & childcare as soon as I walk through the door.
Yesterday, he took it all off my plate. And I was so grateful. The fact that I do this rarely makes it possible for us, of course. I have 6 weeks of weekdays on call, and even fewer weekends (because it doesn't make $en$e for full-time clinical providers to cancel 8 clinics during a week to do consults, they are only on the weekend rotation schedule)*
This was my 24 hours, beginning Saturday morning:
6:15 Wake up---drink coffee, shower, get ready, eat breakfast. Kids are sleeping.
7:30 Walk to work
8:00-10:00 Round on inpatients and consults. Plan to reconvene to see patient once out of OR, and new consults
10:00-12:00 Work on grant
12:00 get called about "bad news" situation
12:00-2:00 Deal with & deliver bad news, see new consult, patient out of OR
2:00-3:15 Get & eat lunch, write blog post, finish editing/cosigning resident & fellow notes
3:15 Leave hospital---find out husband & kids are out, go to grocery store & pharmacy for a couple of items
4:00 Get home. Change clothes. Text G to see when they are coming home but he doesn't respond so I think they may be on their way. Sit on couch and pick up new book.
4:00-5:00 Read book. Love it.
5:00-5:45 Walk & feed dog. Get text from G at 5:15 that they are heading home but may stop for dinner. I'm not hungry so I opt out.
5:45-6:45 Read some more.
6:45 They get home, all having eaten. BIG HUGS from kids.
6:45-8:00 Play with kids, get them ready for bed, deal with phone calls for work.
8:00-8:30 Make & eat dinner while G reads bedtime stories. Read more book. Obsessed.
8:30-9:00 Extended bedtime shenanigans. (hugs, sleep with me, water, etc...)
9:00-9:45 Hang out with G talking about day and shopping online for kids' shoes & coats, eat a dessert
9:45-10:15 Get ready, work phone calls, go to bed. Woken up once for work, and once for no reason.
5:00 Wake up and check time. Think about going for a run. Think about it for a minute...
6:15 Get up---kids are up already.
If I knew they weren't going to be home for hours, I would've opened up my laptop to do work. While simultaneously doing laundry. I thought they'd be home any minute so I wanted to steal a moment to relax. I don't regret it. When do I get to sit down in the middle of the day and read a book? It was amazing.
*I'm not "lucky" to have this schedule, it was a deliberate choice, and the trade-off is that my income is too low to even make it on those graphs you see if "physician income by specialty/gender/region/etc...".
Yesterday, he took it all off my plate. And I was so grateful. The fact that I do this rarely makes it possible for us, of course. I have 6 weeks of weekdays on call, and even fewer weekends (because it doesn't make $en$e for full-time clinical providers to cancel 8 clinics during a week to do consults, they are only on the weekend rotation schedule)*
This was my 24 hours, beginning Saturday morning:
6:15 Wake up---drink coffee, shower, get ready, eat breakfast. Kids are sleeping.
7:30 Walk to work
8:00-10:00 Round on inpatients and consults. Plan to reconvene to see patient once out of OR, and new consults
10:00-12:00 Work on grant
12:00 get called about "bad news" situation
12:00-2:00 Deal with & deliver bad news, see new consult, patient out of OR
2:00-3:15 Get & eat lunch, write blog post, finish editing/cosigning resident & fellow notes
3:15 Leave hospital---find out husband & kids are out, go to grocery store & pharmacy for a couple of items
4:00 Get home. Change clothes. Text G to see when they are coming home but he doesn't respond so I think they may be on their way. Sit on couch and pick up new book.
4:00-5:00 Read book. Love it.
5:00-5:45 Walk & feed dog. Get text from G at 5:15 that they are heading home but may stop for dinner. I'm not hungry so I opt out.
5:45-6:45 Read some more.
6:45 They get home, all having eaten. BIG HUGS from kids.
6:45-8:00 Play with kids, get them ready for bed, deal with phone calls for work.
8:00-8:30 Make & eat dinner while G reads bedtime stories. Read more book. Obsessed.
8:30-9:00 Extended bedtime shenanigans. (hugs, sleep with me, water, etc...)
9:00-9:45 Hang out with G talking about day and shopping online for kids' shoes & coats, eat a dessert
9:45-10:15 Get ready, work phone calls, go to bed. Woken up once for work, and once for no reason.
5:00 Wake up and check time. Think about going for a run. Think about it for a minute...
6:15 Get up---kids are up already.
If I knew they weren't going to be home for hours, I would've opened up my laptop to do work. While simultaneously doing laundry. I thought they'd be home any minute so I wanted to steal a moment to relax. I don't regret it. When do I get to sit down in the middle of the day and read a book? It was amazing.
*I'm not "lucky" to have this schedule, it was a deliberate choice, and the trade-off is that my income is too low to even make it on those graphs you see if "physician income by specialty/gender/region/etc...".
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Its Sunny Outside
Um...that is literally the only positive thing I can think of right now. I feel a little fried. There weren't so many patients they were just...complex. Hard. Mentally & emotionally. Its hard for me not to get drawn in, and imagine myself on the other side. Its so so tough to give bad news.
On the plus side, I did NOT drown my sorrows in french fries (because they were out of french fries). I got a healthy brown rice bowl with chicken & vegetables instead. (Hopefully tomorrow there will be fries).
Also, in between some of the drama, I did manage to do some of the super-low-hanging-fruit of my grant prep. Super exciting things like "Facilities" and "Data Sharing Plan". I wrote them all down and crossed them off just for the feeling of satisfaction.
Black pants sound like a good idea until I remember that I have a very very sheddy tan dog. Also I have been feeling pants-challenged. Other than jeans, finding pants that fit properly eludes me. I am wearing ill-fitting, but comfortable and properly hemmed, cream colored pants today and I just spilled curry sauce on them so oh well.
I might just sit here for a minute before I head home to deal with...everything else.
This is probably the lamest post ever.
On the plus side, I did NOT drown my sorrows in french fries (because they were out of french fries). I got a healthy brown rice bowl with chicken & vegetables instead. (Hopefully tomorrow there will be fries).
Also, in between some of the drama, I did manage to do some of the super-low-hanging-fruit of my grant prep. Super exciting things like "Facilities" and "Data Sharing Plan". I wrote them all down and crossed them off just for the feeling of satisfaction.
Black pants sound like a good idea until I remember that I have a very very sheddy tan dog. Also I have been feeling pants-challenged. Other than jeans, finding pants that fit properly eludes me. I am wearing ill-fitting, but comfortable and properly hemmed, cream colored pants today and I just spilled curry sauce on them so oh well.
I might just sit here for a minute before I head home to deal with...everything else.
This is probably the lamest post ever.
Friday, November 4, 2016
Call Week Cluster$&#*
A call weekend/week is bad enough by itself but to top it off, next week we also have:
The worst part of call for me is the uncertainty (and the sometimes overwhelming feeling of responsibility). I don't know what time I'll get home any day of the week. I don't know when I'll be woken up. Etc... Also there is a LOT more interpersonal challenge than I'm used to---talking to angry/upset/scared patients, dealing with trainees, negotiating with the primary team, nurses, and so on. My introverted self is FRIED by the end of the day.
To keep my sanity, I've got to focus on "self-care". I've come up with some goals:
- 2 days off of school for B (he will go to a "camp" at his aftercare place but it starts at 9)
- End of Daylight Savings Time
- A grant due on Friday
- An abstract I'm writing with a fellow, due on Tuesday
- G with work deadlines such that he'll have to work on the weekend and some evenings also
- And oh yeah, the freaking ELECTION
The worst part of call for me is the uncertainty (and the sometimes overwhelming feeling of responsibility). I don't know what time I'll get home any day of the week. I don't know when I'll be woken up. Etc... Also there is a LOT more interpersonal challenge than I'm used to---talking to angry/upset/scared patients, dealing with trainees, negotiating with the primary team, nurses, and so on. My introverted self is FRIED by the end of the day.
To keep my sanity, I've got to focus on "self-care". I've come up with some goals:
- Go to bed early! I've been terrible at this lately and paying for it. I am so tired today I can barely focus (I was woken up by something and couldn't go back to sleep last night, but I also went to bed later than I should have). I'll be much more focused, productive, and calm with enough rest
- Fuel myself. I'm not one to "forget to eat"...EVER, but I sometimes don't make the time to eat right. I.e. grabbing junk (which recently has involved piles of leftover candy) instead of taking 2 minutes to scramble an egg or peel an orange.
- Exercise. This is tough. I have to go in early most days and it'll be hard to fit in, especially on the weekend. But I want to try to get ONE short run in this weekend, and make it to my workout class at least once this week. On top of that I'm going to make sure I walk---its supposed to be lovely weather and outside time is soothing for me.
- Plan & prep. I'm going to pick out my clothes tonight so I'm not fumbling around in the dark in the mornings. Its a bit challenging to find SEVEN professional yet comfortable outfits. I already made our meal plan, and I'll complete the grocery list for G. I'm booking dog walking for every evening next week in case I'm home late.
- Cut myself slack. Easy meals or take-out, messy house, screen time for the kids. I've basically told G I'll be out of the picture most of the weekend so he's planning to entertain the kids & get stuff done on his own.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Bigger Kids= (part 2)
Bigger worries
I think the fun way way outshadows the negative, but I do find my worries about my kids getting bigger and deeper as they move on to new stages
1) The stakes are higher. I struggle, I really do, with trying to find the right mix of encouragement vs. pushing. To instill the value of hard work and education and yet not drive them to hate school and homework at so early of an age. To make sure they explore there interests yet not push them to spend hours in activities they don't really enjoy. I know these things will affect them throughout their lives, and I don't want to mess it up.
2) They remember everything. Seriously. You know when they are toddlers, and you have a bad day and maybe yell too much & the next day its all good again like it never happened? Its not like B holds a grudge, but he will remember and bring it up. Two weeks later. Two months later. Or when you promise you'll do something "someday" and hope they will conveniently forget it? They don't. Its all etched in there. Every good & bad experience. Sure he may not remember when he's 40, but he certainly will when he's 8.
3) They are out in the world. School is WAY different then daycare. You don't just walk in and hear about the day from the teacher. I usually pick B up from a whole different place (after care) and have NO IDEA what happened at school until he tells me...and while he seems to remember everything, relaying that information reliably is still quite tricky. He is with lots of different teachers and kids, some of who I've never met or seen. He had the same daycare teacher for years...and now he has a main teacher, substitutes, art teacher, gym teacher, spanish teacher, 6 different people that alternate picking him up and playing with him at aftercare, 2 karate instructors, etc...
4) And the world is judging them. We were in the same daycare since B was an infant. He's grown up there. The teachers see him as one of their own, and can compare him from year to year to see how he progressed. In school? He's one of many that just show up in September. They notice how he is different and have no frame of reference to how much improvement he has made or whether he may simply be having an off day. And little kids? They are ALL weird. They don't really think anything of their playmates idiosyncrasies. 6 year olds do, though. They notice & the judge & the tease & they exclude. We've only noted this on a very small scale so far, and it comes and goes (First day: A teased me and said we are not friends she doesn't like me. Next day: A and I played tag together and she is inviting me to her party and we are friends)
So yeah, its not all sunshine, but we're navigated the challenges as they come.
I think the fun way way outshadows the negative, but I do find my worries about my kids getting bigger and deeper as they move on to new stages
1) The stakes are higher. I struggle, I really do, with trying to find the right mix of encouragement vs. pushing. To instill the value of hard work and education and yet not drive them to hate school and homework at so early of an age. To make sure they explore there interests yet not push them to spend hours in activities they don't really enjoy. I know these things will affect them throughout their lives, and I don't want to mess it up.
2) They remember everything. Seriously. You know when they are toddlers, and you have a bad day and maybe yell too much & the next day its all good again like it never happened? Its not like B holds a grudge, but he will remember and bring it up. Two weeks later. Two months later. Or when you promise you'll do something "someday" and hope they will conveniently forget it? They don't. Its all etched in there. Every good & bad experience. Sure he may not remember when he's 40, but he certainly will when he's 8.
3) They are out in the world. School is WAY different then daycare. You don't just walk in and hear about the day from the teacher. I usually pick B up from a whole different place (after care) and have NO IDEA what happened at school until he tells me...and while he seems to remember everything, relaying that information reliably is still quite tricky. He is with lots of different teachers and kids, some of who I've never met or seen. He had the same daycare teacher for years...and now he has a main teacher, substitutes, art teacher, gym teacher, spanish teacher, 6 different people that alternate picking him up and playing with him at aftercare, 2 karate instructors, etc...
4) And the world is judging them. We were in the same daycare since B was an infant. He's grown up there. The teachers see him as one of their own, and can compare him from year to year to see how he progressed. In school? He's one of many that just show up in September. They notice how he is different and have no frame of reference to how much improvement he has made or whether he may simply be having an off day. And little kids? They are ALL weird. They don't really think anything of their playmates idiosyncrasies. 6 year olds do, though. They notice & the judge & the tease & they exclude. We've only noted this on a very small scale so far, and it comes and goes (First day: A teased me and said we are not friends she doesn't like me. Next day: A and I played tag together and she is inviting me to her party and we are friends)
So yeah, its not all sunshine, but we're navigated the challenges as they come.
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Bigger Kids= (part 1)
Bigger fun!
I really feel like we are in a sweet spot with our kids' ages. They are much more independent, yet still adorable and love to be with us. At 5 and nearly 7, our lives look so different then those oh-so-hard early years, for reasons expected & surprising.
1) Independence. They can play on their own or together for large stretches of times. This means we can do our own thing, or at least work together on chores instead of one person having to constantly be on "kid duty". Mornings are so much easier, too. They wake up and play until breakfast is ready. Then they go up themselves and brush teeth & change clothes & play until its time for school. They can go to the bathroom on their own, completely and totally.
I can't even express what a game-changer this is, in terms of being able to relax and enjoy our time together in addition to getting things done. There were several days this fall where I even worked from home while the kids were there! Without having to resort (too much) to screen time.
2) Actual fun. The things they want to do with us (and they still DO want to play with us, a lot) are actually fun! Playing boardgames like chess and checkers (we got rid of the inanity of CandyLand) is FUN for me. Racing each other at the park (and them actually winning sometimes even when I try), cooking/baking together when they actually can do things (they can crack eggs, level measuring cups, etc...), working on large (500 piece) puzzles, watching movies we ALL enjoy (though they mostly want to watch Lego Starwars yoda chronicles over and over). It helps that the two of us like different things, so I'll play chess and G will do legos (ugh).
3) Advanced thinking. Anticipating something and planning for it adds so much joy to the event. For L's birthday this year, B wanted to buy him a present with his own money, and picked a day he had off from school to go to the store. For the next few weeks, there were whispered conversations (because he just HAD to talk to me about the present when L was around), and giggling plans. B also helps me plan our weekends, meal plan (he'll look through cook books and show me things...they are usually deserts, but he gets the point). They both like looking at the calendar and counting down until fun events. And then they are able to remember details---more than I ever could---and live to relive our memories over and over, stretching out the enjoyment even more.
4) Challenging conversations. I actually love navigating their questions about politics, race, how babies get out, science, etc... They ask really interesting questions and demand an honest answer. I love being the one to shape their early views and get to hear their own (naive but thoughtful) perspective on things.
This is the part of parenting I'm best suited for and I'm loving and savoring it. I was not really a "baby mom" or a "toddler mom" and I have no idea how I'll feel about being the mom of a teen (ha ha, not "teen mom"), so I'm really glad we have a few more years in this little-big-kid stage.
I really feel like we are in a sweet spot with our kids' ages. They are much more independent, yet still adorable and love to be with us. At 5 and nearly 7, our lives look so different then those oh-so-hard early years, for reasons expected & surprising.
1) Independence. They can play on their own or together for large stretches of times. This means we can do our own thing, or at least work together on chores instead of one person having to constantly be on "kid duty". Mornings are so much easier, too. They wake up and play until breakfast is ready. Then they go up themselves and brush teeth & change clothes & play until its time for school. They can go to the bathroom on their own, completely and totally.
I can't even express what a game-changer this is, in terms of being able to relax and enjoy our time together in addition to getting things done. There were several days this fall where I even worked from home while the kids were there! Without having to resort (too much) to screen time.
2) Actual fun. The things they want to do with us (and they still DO want to play with us, a lot) are actually fun! Playing boardgames like chess and checkers (we got rid of the inanity of CandyLand) is FUN for me. Racing each other at the park (and them actually winning sometimes even when I try), cooking/baking together when they actually can do things (they can crack eggs, level measuring cups, etc...), working on large (500 piece) puzzles, watching movies we ALL enjoy (though they mostly want to watch Lego Starwars yoda chronicles over and over). It helps that the two of us like different things, so I'll play chess and G will do legos (ugh).
3) Advanced thinking. Anticipating something and planning for it adds so much joy to the event. For L's birthday this year, B wanted to buy him a present with his own money, and picked a day he had off from school to go to the store. For the next few weeks, there were whispered conversations (because he just HAD to talk to me about the present when L was around), and giggling plans. B also helps me plan our weekends, meal plan (he'll look through cook books and show me things...they are usually deserts, but he gets the point). They both like looking at the calendar and counting down until fun events. And then they are able to remember details---more than I ever could---and live to relive our memories over and over, stretching out the enjoyment even more.
4) Challenging conversations. I actually love navigating their questions about politics, race, how babies get out, science, etc... They ask really interesting questions and demand an honest answer. I love being the one to shape their early views and get to hear their own (naive but thoughtful) perspective on things.
This is the part of parenting I'm best suited for and I'm loving and savoring it. I was not really a "baby mom" or a "toddler mom" and I have no idea how I'll feel about being the mom of a teen (ha ha, not "teen mom"), so I'm really glad we have a few more years in this little-big-kid stage.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
November
For some reason, I've always had this idea of November as a cold, dark, dreary & dingy grey month. In fact, at least where we live now, its quite lovely---full of sunshine, fall colors, crisp but not freezing weather, and plenty of fun. Its time to embrace November.
I have committed to blogging every weekday. I really can't promise to write on the weekends, because I don't want to create a reason to spend time on my computer when I'm actually trying for the opposite! Plus we are going away one weekend and I'm not planning on bringing my laptop to a fun weekend away. I'll blog this weekend, since I'm on call and will be spending time on my computer anyways.
That makes 22 posts this month, which isn't quite 30 but is a lot more than the 3 or so I wrote last month.
What November has in store for me:
I have committed to blogging every weekday. I really can't promise to write on the weekends, because I don't want to create a reason to spend time on my computer when I'm actually trying for the opposite! Plus we are going away one weekend and I'm not planning on bringing my laptop to a fun weekend away. I'll blog this weekend, since I'm on call and will be spending time on my computer anyways.
That makes 22 posts this month, which isn't quite 30 but is a lot more than the 3 or so I wrote last month.
What November has in store for me:
- Weekend/week on call coming up. Will be re-reading these posts to help keep in a positive mindset.
- Election Day. We will all go to vote in the morning. The kids will get it this time instead of being disappointed in the lack of "boating" and "presents".
- Grant deadline
- Date night! Sitter already booked. We haven't had a night out since AUGUST
- Weekend away to visit G's cousins
- Thanksgiving. we are laying low, just the 4 of us at home again. I'm not really into traditional Thanksgiving food (turkey/stuffing/cranberry/pumpkin pie/blah). but its fun to do it with the kids.
- Hopefully: lots of runs, board games, reading (I'm ditching A Fine Balance, I haven't picked it up in over a week, and really need to read something good to get back in the reading habit)
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