Buh-rothers

B has started trying to say "consonant blends" (thanks Bunny!) recently...instead of bue, we've got buh-lue (blue), and cackers are now cuh-rackers, etc... This tiny advance in expressive language just makes him seem so much older all of a sudden. His speech is really close to normal adult English, besides the yewow (yellow) and the occasional "where was you, mommy?".

L is adding slowly but surely adding new words. My favorite is MA-KH (very gutteral KH at the end, means milk), which sounds remarkable like BAW-KH (book) and WA-KH (walk). He is very good at Hiiiii! and Byyyeee! and also MINE! He says daddy, and B, and Doggy, and...wait that's it. No mommy, mama, Ma, mother, madre, etc...

I have caught B & L actually playing together recently. Some ridic game B made up involving taking all the blankets out of their cribs and running with them down the hall (tripping on them along the way) to go to a "pic-uh-nic mommy, but there is NO FOOD, just a party, and oh, we'll take a nap so we need our buh-lankets". B runs down the hall and L chases him, and they come back, and repeat. When L tired and sits down, B grabs him by the hand because "you have to come to the pic-nic too, L! but not mommy, its only for kids".

L still idolizes and imitates everything B does. The cutest is when he tries to copy B counting to ten and playing hide-and-seek. L will lay face down right next to B and count "buh...guh...blah...". L also loves getting into the closet or in the stairwell and peeking out for us to find him. He still finds it necessary to cover his eyes when he hides. In truth, he's a much better hider than B, who simply stands in the middle of the room when its his turn to hide. The concept, he hasn't yet grasped it somehow.

At nearly 18 months old, L is a smiley-squealy-climbing-running-babbling delight. LOVE this age so much.
I feel like I'm really appreciating how simple it really is this time around, because I know things get more complicated soon enough.

At 3.25 years old, B is a mess of contradictions and bursting with emotions of all kinds. I love seeing his imagination develop, his brain start really processing things, for the purpose of both good (great stories & games) and evil (manipulation, lying). The development memory is also a mixed blessing. Its cool that he can relive & anticipate good things, but scary that he will also remember & can anticipate the not-so-good. I feel a bit of pressure to "create memories" now that I never did before.We are thinking seriously about school choices, including switching to pre-school when he's 4.75 so he won't be in the daycare preschool for three years straight.

L's favorite things: pumpernickel pretzel sticks from TJs, OUTSIDE, BAH (ball), strawberries (we've had to buy new packs every 2 days at $5 a pop because its just so cute)
B's favorite things: chewing on his blankie, mommy or daddy's Iphone ( a whole 'nother story), jumping off furniture or from the 4th step to the ground, swimming class (he grins ear to ear the whole 30 minutes and bonus! we don't have to go in the water with him anymore!)

My favorite things? All of it. And then getting a break. And then all of it again.

Thoughts and such.

Don't mistake my radio silence as an indication of a dearth of writing topics on my part...it is in fact the opposite. I have so many things I want to say, so many things I have been reading about & thinking about & wanting to unpack on these pages. Too many competing ideas, I don't even know where to start. I'm going to throw out a few ideas I may or may not expand on in the future.

I've been pondering "happiness" recently. I'm no Gretchen Rubin, but I've discovered some things that contribute to my own happiness, and I'm wondering how to prioritize or maximize those things: purpose, connection, appreciation, attention, anticipation.

I've also been pondering sadness. Since early adolescence, I've had periods of what the Victorians may have called "melancholy". Generally they resolve on their own in a couple of months, and they vary in severity from mildly down to fulfilling the criteria of major depressive disorder. Recognizing that I have these episodes, and that they do resolve over time, is enormously helpful, as I am no longer afraid that I will feel this way forever. I definitely had such an episode recently, but it has thankfully lifted.

I have come around to the stark truth that life is not supposed to be easy. I've definitely written around this idea, but others have recently hit the nail on the head more eloquently. KeAnne's metaphor of swimming in the ocean is so apt; we spend our childhoods learning to swim in the tranquil calm of the poor or the lake, and then we're thrust into the ocean trying to weather the waves and the tides. I also adore Gemini Momma's take on the tried-and-true "seasons of life" idea; these years are our busy season, we have to buckle down & enjoy the ride.

I've been struggling with work lately. I'm taking a course on writing productivity, hoping the accountability will help me back on track. My usual tricks are not working and I waste a lot of time on email, "reviewing the literature", and trying-to-write-but-not-really-writing. I got a borderline score on my K, and afraid the NIH budget cuts mean this previously fundable score will no longer be funded. I can do nothing but wait.  I submitted the grant in NOVEMBER. I got a score in MARCH. Now I wait until JUNE to know if I'll get money. Its a long game this research stuff.

Spring is decidedly NOT here yet in our corner of the world. WTF. I am sick to death of boots and tights not to mention coats and earmuffs and gloves and scarves. WTF. I want to take my kids to the park without wrestling with outerwear. At least its not raining/snowing/hailing. Today, at least.

Aaaannnnddd I've taken to complaining about the weather. Time to end this thing. I'll be back soon this time.

Stuck

As much as I may say I long for excitement, for moving on to bigger & better, for reaching into the future and grabbing what life has to offer, I've realized that I am actually fundamentally opposed to change in my life. I get woefully, hopelessly attached to phases in my life, more so than locations or people.. My past reflects this: years of schooling, more years of training, then back for further schooling/training. Now I'm still in the same place as colleagues have moved on to private practice, or academics in new institutions for way more money, respect, free time..  I got my own lab space 6 months ago but I hesitate to fully move my operations out of the mentor's lab I've been in for 5 years. I've never actually ended a romantic relationship, because no matter what problems I might see in the union, I'd rather the devil I know than the devil I don't. I don't like change.

I've been thinking about this tendency in myself and wondering how much this actually affects my family-building desires. I'm a mother of young children right now; in a few short years, I won't be---unless I have another. Is my desire to stay in this life stage a part of my wanting of another child? As hard and exhausting as it is, as seductive as the freedoms inherent in NOT having small children can be, I am finding the idea of moving permanently out of that phase hard to accept.

By the way, thanks as always for all your support on those last couple of posts. I feel like I do "hit and run" blogging, throwing out some angst and disappearing for a while. My excuse this time is that I've been sick---3 different overlapping illnesses in 2 weeks. On top of daylight savings time shift. Blech. Hope you all are healthy and that spring is springing where you are. They are calling for snow tomorrow here.

Truth

Sometimes you can lie to yourself so well that you really truly believe it. You go about your days giving it nary a thought, which proves to yourself & others that you are "over it" and "OK with things". And then something rips the scar open and you can't breathe and are hiding in your office with the door barred shut, typing away the tears pricking the back of your eyes.

A colleague, a one-time friend, who was having a bit of difficulty trying to conceive around the same time we started and was a great source of comfort at the time...just announced his wife's third pregnancy. Everyone is congratulating & joking & slapping on the back. It only got louder & more jovial when another colleague, belly bursting with her third & fourth children (whose second was born a month before L) joins the group. I just...can't.

I really truly thought I'd moved on from this long-ago dream. But no. Buried, but not dead.

1+1=3?

I was soooo smug when L was born. Spouting off about how two kids was not that much harder than one, really. And it was true. Then. What's an extra newborn around the joint? Just bring 'em along and live your life. And have a build in excuse to sit down for a while because the baby needs to nurse you know. We already had all the infrastructure---the physical stuff, the routines, the child-care set up, the parental mind set. Going from 1 to 2 kids wasn't the same completely catastrophically life-changing experience that going from 0 to 1 child was. 1+1 was more like 1.5.

Until. L found forward motion and a pincer grasp and an iron will for whatever the hell he wanted to do. Now its  not just meeting all the needs of two children: inputs, outputs, cleaning, maintenance, rest. There is this whole third entity of managing their interaction together.

When B was L's age, he could sometimes play around us, running, climbing, grabbing whatever he wanted. And it was fine. Cute & fun, even. We could either play with him,  watch him from a seated position, or do our own thing. We cannot do this with L. Because L's #1 priority in life is to get whatever B has (and usually try to eat or otherwise destroy it). Puzzle pieces are thrown into the toilet, crayons are stuffed into mouths, books are torn. And B is not one to simply take it. The usual scenario is: B is playing nicely. L grabs B's toy. B runs after and hits or pushes L. L cries. L hits B. Repeat.

So we have to watch them constantly or keep them physically apart. This is harder than it seems because L wants to be around B constantly. If I separate them by floor, L will shake the safety gate on the stairs and yell. Separating them vertically used to help---I would set B up with puzzles, coloring, or books on the dining table. Recently L learned how to climb onto the chairs and straight onto the dining table. One of us has to physically restrain L when B is doing something not-L-friendly.

They do sometimes play together...throwing balls, pushing each other around on push toys, climbing onto and jumping off of tables (ummmm....wait....), wrestling, or simply chasing each other around. Note that all these activities are bound to result in one or both parties being injured in a maximum of 60 seconds.

Its practically impossible for one of us to handle the boys ourselves outside of the house unless they are contained in the stroller.  I tried taking them to the park myself last weekend and it lasted about 15 minutes. B ran off onto the sidewalk (outside the park) and L found some trash to eat on the ground. I basically had to hold L while B ran around (imagine how much he howled), or have all 3 of us run together. I see people do it, and have concluded that either they are saintlier than I or (more likely) their children are better behaved. 

I've heard that they will soon be "each others best friend" and play together. I am eagerly waiting that phase, because ya'll I am tired.

What is work?

When I started my first research year of fellowship, it was disconcerting to suddenly have control of my schedule & work day (rather than responding all day/night to the immediate needs of patients/pagers). I eventually figured it out and was rather productive in my research but every now and then continue to be hit with uncertainty about the progress I am making. How much of my days are spent doing REAL work---advancing my goals and utilizing my skills---vs. "busy work" only peripherally related to my (and my employer's) mission.

I recently read that career/job satisfaction is highest when workers see progress being made. I definitely get that; my best days are those in which I have achieved something tangible. For me that equates to one of the following:

•  writing grants and papers
• diagnosing, treating, or reassuring patients
• creation of usable laboratory data--designing, performing, and analyzing experiments

Yet there are many many days where I do NONE of those things. I can have a busy 8 hour day doing nothing towards my major goals! How is this possible? What am I doing with my time? I'm not necessarily "wasting " it in the traditional sense of chatting, internet surfing, or spacing out. Its just the little (or big) extraneous tasks that I still have to do that take up so much damn time!

For clinical work, in addition to the actual revenue-generating office or hospital visits, I am:

• returning phone calls or emails, sometimes playing days of phone tag with patients
• typing in telephone encounters for above
• calling in/faxing prescriptions (we used to have nursing support for this but are in-between nurses)
• filling out prior authorization forms (same)
• printing and mailing (hand-addressing the envelope) lab or radiology prescriptions
• writing letters to referring physicians---initial office note and updates for all lab/xray results
• reading about complicated cases
• discussing cases with colleagues for advice
•  arranging appointments for patients because our schedulers will not overbook without explicit instructions from case to case
• scanning my schedule ahead of time because schedulers with been known to stray from the template or even put in a panel on days I have requested off months in advance

In terms of research, I also spend a LOT of my time not writing, planning experiments, or performing benchwork. I hired a tech that started in November, so I am doing way less crap than before but still:

• Ordering reagents/supplies. Tech actually places the orders now, but a lot of this is new to her so she wants me to provide catalog numbers and to help her research bigger equipment pieces
• Following up on said orders because our ordering people suck and have messed things up weekly
• Meeting with research mentors---my primary mentor who I meet with approx 3 times/month, another mentor in a junior faculty mentorship program, my division chief. This includes time spent trying to set up these meetings and then time wasted waiting for these busy, invariably late, people to show up to meetings
• Doing rote lab work when my tech is out (she was out 3 days for a funeral and I had to do all cell culture, which took 2 hours/day) or just because no one else will do it (next week I will be pooling mouse plasma consistently for assays)
• Looking up protocols, emailing people about protocols/methods
• Meeting with collaborators or potential collaborators (see above re: time spent waiting)
• Going to seminars of interest, lab meeting, journal clubs, etc... I limit this a LOT, but I do need to get myself out there
• Reading

And then of course there is the unique heartbreak of science, when hours/weeks of writing will result in a rejection  or weeks/months spent on experiments will yield absolute no usable data.

Writing all this out is helping me realize that I need to better schedule my days. I talked a big game last year about limiting email checking, and setting aside time for writing, but I have not yet done any of this. If I could spend one hour a day on writing papers, one hour 3 times a week for reading, limit my email checking to 3 times a day, and lump clinical busy-work to 3 concerted 30-60 minute sessions a week? Come to meetings armed with something constructive to do while waiting (maybe save email checks for these times or bring clinical/research related-reading)?

Any advice?

Oh Sundays: Our Lunch Cooking Strategy

OK, now prepared to be really astounded. Not only do we eat the same meal all week for our dinner, we actually have eaten the same EXACT meal for lunch 75-80% of ALL weekdays for the past several years (i.e. pre-kids and I think even pre-marriage, I remember us working on making these lunches in our own respective apartments and driving them over to each others' place!)

This is our lunch:

Grilled chicken salad: Chicken rubbed with G's special spice blend & cooked on the grill (we used to cook on a pan when we lived in an apartment, but this is WAY easier), romaine hearts chopped up and spun in the salad spinner, red bell peppers, shredded carrots or celery pieces, feta cheese (a more recent addition that we now cannot live without), cherry tomatoes (when in season, no gross winter tomatoes!), and chickpeas. The salads are pre-made on Sunday and put into those square ziplock plastic containers (yes they stay fresh until Friday). We put our dressing of choice in 2 oz tupperware containers directly in there too. There is a separate little container with crunchies as needed (croutons, toasted nuts). 

Before we get groceries we run through our schedule and decide how many salads we want that week. The default is 4, so we have 1 day to eat something different. Some weeks we have lunch meetings or special occasions and we only take 3 salads.  G makes the salads---he has it down to an exact science and the whole process takes less than an hour including the chicken prep.

I eat mine with Blue Cheese dressing. I also have 2 fruits to go with it and some water. It is extremely filling volume-wise and the low-carb nature keeps me from the post-lunch crash. This was actually why we started eating this....G always got sleepy after his sandwich for lunch, and we were also jumping on the low-carb bandwagon that was so popular at the time.

If we travel or somehow can't make the lunches on the weekend, we just buy food all week and it sucks. There were occasional times when we've been tired of the salads & we alternate other meals (chunky curry chicken salad with bread; tofu/veggie stir fry with quinoa) but that hasn't happened in a couple of years. When I was pregnant with B I could not stand the thought of chicken or salad or anything other than white carbs so I ate white pasta salad---basically pasta with salad dressing and minimal veggies that I also couldn't stand the thought of).  I've given the salads away when I haven't felt like eating them and all my friends think they are delish.

The boys also have a boring lunch routine. This is their 3 meal rotation---one meal per week, Monday-Thursday (on Friday they get pizza at school for $1 a slice).

Week 1: Veggie Hummus Sandwich---one cup peas (or other), one cup chickpeas, 1 T tahini, lemon & salt to taste. Spread on one slice of bread and fold/cut as needed.

Week 2: Veggie Chicken Salad---one poached chicken breast, 1 cup lima beans/peas or one avacado, mayo/yogurt, salt to taste all blended to smoothness. Spread on one slice bread.

Week 3: Pasta & Chicken---whole grain or veggie pasta with cubes of grilled chicken breast tossed with pasta sauce (tomato sauce +/- alfredo)

Other than the Friday pizza, we have to provide ALL meals/snacks so they each get about 6-7 containers of stuff every day. It is my job to make their lunches every evening. If I have time I do it before they all get home for the evening (after walking the dog, checking the mail, starting to heat up dinner). Otherwise I do it after they go to bed. Everything goes in take-and-toss containers such that our dishwasher top rack is ALWAYS full.

1: main lunch
2: veggie (steamed baby carrots, peas, green beans, edamame, broccoli---one veggie per week)--B eats his, L doesn't
3: fruit # 1 (banana, clementine, kiwi, grapes, strawberries, blueberries, mango, pomogranate, pear, apple, apricot, peach, plum, nectarine are all options depending on the season) most need to be peeled or cut.
4: fruit # 2
5: Fruit #3 for B, yogurt for L
6: cheese stick (whole for B, cut into tiny pieces for L)
7: snack (goldfish, pretzels, etc...)

We also throw fruit leather and Lara bars into their bag for emergency travel snacks (usually needed on the way home)

Next we'll talk about breakfast---and I'll need your advice because we're at a loss.