Friday, March 22, 2013

Thoughts and such.

Don't mistake my radio silence as an indication of a dearth of writing topics on my is in fact the opposite. I have so many things I want to say, so many things I have been reading about & thinking about & wanting to unpack on these pages. Too many competing ideas, I don't even know where to start. I'm going to throw out a few ideas I may or may not expand on in the future.

I've been pondering "happiness" recently. I'm no Gretchen Rubin, but I've discovered some things that contribute to my own happiness, and I'm wondering how to prioritize or maximize those things: purpose, connection, appreciation, attention, anticipation.

I've also been pondering sadness. Since early adolescence, I've had periods of what the Victorians may have called "melancholy". Generally they resolve on their own in a couple of months, and they vary in severity from mildly down to fulfilling the criteria of major depressive disorder. Recognizing that I have these episodes, and that they do resolve over time, is enormously helpful, as I am no longer afraid that I will feel this way forever. I definitely had such an episode recently, but it has thankfully lifted.

I have come around to the stark truth that life is not supposed to be easy. I've definitely written around this idea, but others have recently hit the nail on the head more eloquently. KeAnne's metaphor of swimming in the ocean is so apt; we spend our childhoods learning to swim in the tranquil calm of the poor or the lake, and then we're thrust into the ocean trying to weather the waves and the tides. I also adore Gemini Momma's take on the tried-and-true "seasons of life" idea; these years are our busy season, we have to buckle down & enjoy the ride.

I've been struggling with work lately. I'm taking a course on writing productivity, hoping the accountability will help me back on track. My usual tricks are not working and I waste a lot of time on email, "reviewing the literature", and trying-to-write-but-not-really-writing. I got a borderline score on my K, and afraid the NIH budget cuts mean this previously fundable score will no longer be funded. I can do nothing but wait.  I submitted the grant in NOVEMBER. I got a score in MARCH. Now I wait until JUNE to know if I'll get money. Its a long game this research stuff.

Spring is decidedly NOT here yet in our corner of the world. WTF. I am sick to death of boots and tights not to mention coats and earmuffs and gloves and scarves. WTF. I want to take my kids to the park without wrestling with outerwear. At least its not raining/snowing/hailing. Today, at least.

Aaaannnnddd I've taken to complaining about the weather. Time to end this thing. I'll be back soon this time.


  1. I am also very annoyed about the no-spring-yet thing that is going on. Seriously WTF.

    Writing is hard. Someone I know once compared writing a grant to giving birth to razor blades (and that doesn't include the part where you wait and wait and wait after you submit). Manuscripts are only marginally better.

    I want another post on your boys! How are they doing? Is the L-B dynamic improving at all?

  2. It will come someday, spring,and oh how glorious it will be! Didn't you say something about anticipation? We had one warm day a few weeks ago, and we all lolled about on the lawn and soaked in as much of it as we could.

    I'm so sorry about the melancholy. I've had troubles with it too, though I find they are fading now. It's been a few years since there was an episode that wasn't easily explained by circumstances. Work makes me sad in a repeating cycle--happy, sad, happy...

    A borderline score is not easy to achieve, so congratulations! But yes, I realize these are times of great tension. My fingers are crossed for you!