Friday, March 15, 2013


As much as I may say I long for excitement, for moving on to bigger & better, for reaching into the future and grabbing what life has to offer, I've realized that I am actually fundamentally opposed to change in my life. I get woefully, hopelessly attached to phases in my life, more so than locations or people.. My past reflects this: years of schooling, more years of training, then back for further schooling/training. Now I'm still in the same place as colleagues have moved on to private practice, or academics in new institutions for way more money, respect, free time..  I got my own lab space 6 months ago but I hesitate to fully move my operations out of the mentor's lab I've been in for 5 years. I've never actually ended a romantic relationship, because no matter what problems I might see in the union, I'd rather the devil I know than the devil I don't. I don't like change.

I've been thinking about this tendency in myself and wondering how much this actually affects my family-building desires. I'm a mother of young children right now; in a few short years, I won't be---unless I have another. Is my desire to stay in this life stage a part of my wanting of another child? As hard and exhausting as it is, as seductive as the freedoms inherent in NOT having small children can be, I am finding the idea of moving permanently out of that phase hard to accept.

By the way, thanks as always for all your support on those last couple of posts. I feel like I do "hit and run" blogging, throwing out some angst and disappearing for a while. My excuse this time is that I've been sick---3 different overlapping illnesses in 2 weeks. On top of daylight savings time shift. Blech. Hope you all are healthy and that spring is springing where you are. They are calling for snow tomorrow here.


  1. Interesting post. I've been thinking the same thing about myself ... that I've chosen to stay here, in this mental space, perhaps even in this situation I'm in right now, because I fear what might come next. I've never thought about it in family-building terms, but of course it makes lots of sense.

    Sending you gentle thoughts ... and sorry that you've been hurting.

  2. That's a fascinating point. I hadn't considered that moving out of the young kids phase is a transition, too, and that the future is kind of open and mysterious, like a microcosm of what it will be like when they are all grown up and moved out.