Sabatoge

 How long did it last? Less than 48 hours before another evening up late with wine and chips and my phone, then waking up exhausted and having to see a full day of patients, and UGH. Why do I do this to myself. Discussed this with my therapist today, and she points out that my work has gotten quite draining. I'm always constantly interacting with people and making decisions and I have no time to think and reflect and plan. By the end of the day I am emotionally SPENT and I numb myself with food and wine and scrolling. 

I also realize I have literally no time to myself anymore, and I CRAVE it. I just want to not have to worry about anyone else's feelings for one evening (a whole weekend would be great). Part of staying up too late is just getting that kid-free (and sometimes G-free if he goes downstairs to work) time. The mornings are no longer my sacred time to myself, G is up with me, and B has been waking up ridiculously early too. I guess I could get up EVEN EARLIER but I haven't been able to bite the bullet and do it yet. 

I need to find some way to build in some buffer for myself because this is untenable. 

I'm Alive and on a roll

 Its been a challenging few weeks and I just couldn't put ONE. MORE. THING. on my todo list, even if its something I enjoy like writing here. 

I've been through the stages of grief re: all virtual school (after they initially offered a hybrid 2 days in class option, but teachers/parents freaked and they pulled it). We also had a couple of weekend camping trips. Survived 4 days of having no running water in our house (ewww) and a million different work disasters (angry patient harassing me, paper rejections, productivity deficits, having to (re-)do all my promotion materials since I took the COVID extension, PPE malfunctions). 

I dealt with it in my usual healthy grownup way of staying up to late drinking wine and eating chips, then oversleeping and skipping workouts, and zoning out on social media. BUT we have water now, our weekend camping trip with friends was SO restorative (though exhausting, I barely slept), the kids have their last week of camp (and thus their last week of being anymore except home for the foreseeable future) and I woke up ready to tackle some goals. 

I did 21 day fix extreme cardio (so hard!) with G, meditated for the first time in 6 weeks, had a work call and dealt with SO MUCH email. I left messages on phone & email to schedule B's eye exam (he can't see anymore, in the glasses he got last summer), and I am writing this real quick before running to the pharmacy to pick up my meds, and deodorant (a word I still don't know how to spell apparently) which I need pronto, its still "feels like" 100 degrees every day over here. I have telehealth this afternoon and plan to eat a salad for lunch, and lots of veggies with my tacos for dinner. I will drink water and spindrift only and go to bed by 10 pm so I can get up at 5:45 to run before clinic.

I am on a f$cking roll. Lets see how long this lasts....

Keeping me Sane

Work is insane, our house is a mess, our country is a dumpster fire, and its hot as *&k outside. Things that are helping (besides wine and cheez its):

1) The kids like camp! They say its fun, and are animated and happy when they are picked up. They are tired out and sleep better. They play Four Square and 100000 types of tag and run in sprinklers, eat popsicles, and play board games (occasionally watch movies). And so far (knock wood, etc...) we've had no outbreaks or exposures at any of the city parks and rec camps. Its nice to have something to talk about at the end of day that isn't video game-related. 

2) Camping weekends. Going tomorrow. Can't wait. Only way for me to turn off my brain and feel disconnected from work these days is to truly get away and off the grid. I don't care if we do nothing but swim in the lake and sit by the fire. In fact, that sounds amazing. 

3) My bookclub messenger thread. Yes, if I don't check in a while there can be 100+ messages, but its where I go if I need to vent, have a question, or come across a meme I need to share. 

4) Audiobooks. I just haven't been able to sit and read lately, but listening to an engaging story while I clean up or walk the dog is a nice escape. I did have to abandon my last one mid-listen because it was too complicated a story to follow as audio. Light reads work better. Books post coming soon.

What's keeping you sane? 

Everything to Everyone

Basically a repeat of the "All the Hats" post, X 1000. Work has kicked my ass. I am barely keeping from drowning. Taking on a clinical director role in the middle of "unprecedented times", plus dealing with a huge backlog of patients and patient care issues, working on several simultaneous papers/writing groups, and going up for promotion is A LOT.

Plus my kids started camp---which is great! they like it and are busy and tired out--but its new and they are clingy after. And we are starting to casually look at houses (we need a little more space, we've realized, as we are all on top of each other all the damn time). And G constantly wants to TALK ABOUT IT (houses), while I'm trying to compartmentalize so I don't lose my mind. And my MIL is having health issues, and my parents are worrying me. Oh and we had to do our taxes.

So...I  may have snapped at 1-5 people last week. I just can't do it all and be it all with a smile on my face.

I'm writing this during a no-show televisit even though I should be revising a paper because...I just can't. I took a couple of weeks off from working out, and pretty much did NOTHING this weekend. It was needed. I woke up today with renewed energy & was ready to tackle my plans...and then a million little issues came up like those tiny but bite-y flies, and the motivation is gone. One more patient, an hour on the paper, and I can take a break.

Halfway Through

Well, we have reached the back end of 2020. I just read over my "20 for 2020 list" and hahahahah none of that stuff is happening (unless it already happened before March). 

I don't think I even made June goals, June was a clusterf^&% from beginning to end. Should I make July goals? I dunno.

I'm mostly back at work. I had a full day of patients Monday, worked at home yesterday on admin/research, a half day in-person and half-day telehealth today, taking tomorrow off and Friday is a holiday. So its a short but intense week. 

We are camping again, and packing is MUCH easier, since we have everything ready from last time. Just food & clothes need to be packed tonight. This place is 4 hours away and the boys are already whining about the car ride. But the weather looks amazing, and there is a lake, hiking, canoes...I'm excited! 

Next week I'm in clinic 4/5 days. We'll have students starting elective rotations, too. So basically, work is going to be back to normal, but busier than usual because they want us to see more patients $$$$$

OH! and the camp sent an email yesterday that they are overbooked and unless there are volunteers, they will basically bump some kids to another site...that is NOT possible for us to get them to/from daily. So. Yeah. That sucks. I won't know until tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Happy Camping: Part 2

So we discussed the why so lets talk about logistics!

WHEN

When you can! And the weather is nice enough.  I'd start with 2 nights for a first trip. One night is also doable, but since you usually have to leave the site around 11am, you its a LOT of set up for not much time. Make sure you arrive with enough daylight hours to put up the tent and get oriented. And also to get a fire going and get people fed. We've arrived at night before and it kinda sucked, though we'd stopped for fast food so at least no hangry-ness to add to the mix. 

WHERE

The fun part! Decide how far you want to drive, and then find parks and look up amenities and reviews. We went to a place within an hour away for our first couple of times, since I was nervous, and knowing we could just come home if things went sideways helped me feel better. We look for water nearby in the summer, hiking/biking trails, etc... Think about what you want to do and make sure they have it. Some sites have fishing, boat rentals, pools. And I ALWAYS read reviews about cleanliness, maintenance of trails, noise levels. If you want to bring a dog, make sure there are pet-friendly sites (there are less, and tend to fill up faster---if you bring a dog, you can't leave her alone, so someone may need to hang back from swimming/biking so plan that carefully. I did not enjoy missing out on the pool on a super hot day last summer to babysit the dog). Look closely at the map of sites and pick where you want to be (not near the dumpsters, for example, or closer to the water). Site sizes vary greatly---even within the same campground---so if you need more space because you are going with friends or have a large family, pick a bigger site. 

GEAR

You need a tent and places to sleep. We started off with a hand-me-down 4 person tent, and have since bought a 6 person tent to have a little more room. 4 person=exactly that and we couldn't fit our dog in their with the 4 of us. We sleep on sleeping bags over pads (you NEED pads, or you will feel every rock!) but you can have air mattresses if you are fancy! Bring pillows of course. 

We also have a rain cover for the tent. We have since gotten fancy and bought a tarp and shelter (netted on the sides, solid plastic on top, for rain/mosquitos).

Other big things we have: propane stove and folding table for the stove/cooking, chairs, a big cooler for food. 

PACKING/PLANNING

This is the hard part because you need to bring EVERYTHING you will need with you. Plan out your meals/snacks and bring all food and implements needed to cook and eat/drink, including water. So dishes utensils, soap/sponge, something to carry dirty dishes to the sink with, etc... Implements for starting the fire (firestarter, wood, kindling, lighter),  trash bags, toiletries, games/entertainment, flashlights or headlamps, first aid, towels, clothes. We have 3 "camp boxes" and keep things that are solely for camping so we don't need to hunt for them each time. Make a list. Check it three times. 

FOOD

keep it as simple as you can to start with. for our last trip we did: burgers, hot dogs, quesadillas (on the stove), toast, cereal, bacon & eggs. We've made nachos in a camping dutch oven over the fire before and want to try dutch oven pizza. If you don't have a stove, you need to obviously stick with things you can make on a grill over the fire (and be confident in your fire building skills). We bring fruit. LOTS of snack food---you never know when the fire might take hours to start! S'mores ingredients (duh!) and lots of water, as well as juice, and booze. 

I...think that's it. Questions welcome! 

Happy Camping: Part 1

OMDG requested a post about camping, and its a much more cheerful topic than anything else that is currently on my mind, so I'll attempt one. As a disclaimer, we are pretty new to camping--neither of us grew up camping (not a thing our family EVER considered, just not an Indian-people thing, I guess). I'd gone a few times with Girl Scouts and in college, but G had literally never been until he got talked into a father-kids trip with a bunch of other guys from the kids' school in 2018. They all had so much fun and wanted me to experience it too, so we then did a "moms too" group with a few other families. I honestly thought I would hate it, but I was pleasantly surprised. Since then we've been camping pretty much once/month during the warm months (May-October); our longest trip so far was 4 nights in Vermont last summer. We have ONLY been car camping---we aren't lugging our gear through the forest to a remote site. I'm not sure I'm interested in that.

This post is getting super long, so part 1 is an "why", and part 2 will have more of the "how"

My favorite parts of camping:

• being disconnected and truly off. I can't work or feel like I need to work, and the kids don't have their screens. That is PRICELESS. 
• speaking of priceless---camping is extremely frugal for a get-away. You pay for the tent site, but its like $50 bucks on average, and then you bring all your own food, and most activities are free. 
• ability to be more "free range" than we can be in the city. With older kids, there can be a LOT of freedom. They can just take off and ride their bikes around the loop or walk to the lake or playground or whatever is around. (we have had friends join us with toddlers and it is VERY DIFFERENT. I do not recommend! Wait until age 4 or even 5, I'd say---if you don't have to help them in the bathroom, even better!)
• being outside (duh). I like hiking, biking, swimming in a lake, seeing the stars etc... and you can spend the whole day doing it
• nothing to DO. Yes there are chores, but they are limited. This may be my favorite part, the not having a long list of errands and to-dos. Plenty of time to read, play games, chat, stare at the fire

My least favorite parts:

• bathrooms. Sharing public bathrooms, even when relatively clean, not my fave
• Sleeping. I'm totally comfortable sleeping on the ground, but when its super hot its hard to sleep. And when you are in a campground you will sometimes hear babies crying, or people up too late or too early (there are "quiet hours" but obviously not 100% enforced)

Part 2 will cover planning, gear, packing, and food.