Hello (if anyone is indeed still listening!) Sorry I disappeared for a while. Life was complicated and shitty and I really needed a break from pretty much everything. Things have stabilized and I'm very excited to be back.
Last year I did a "year in review" for 2011. Good god a lot happened that year...I got pregnant and had my second child, got a faculty job, and earned a masters. In contrast, nothing of great note happened this year. In fact, on thinking back over the last 12 months, the time was mostly defined by how much L was or wasn't sleeping. Fascinating stuff, ya'll. (If you care, he's sleeping like shit right now, goes to show that my smugness re: sleep training was a bit premature...wait for n=at least 2 before you go spouting off about your parenting success).
I started off the year with lofty intentions. It came from a reasonable place...wanting to exert more control over my life and my happiness. And things were really going well for a while...until they weren't. And while I have been accused of being harsh on myself, I honestly didn't really care.
Which brings me to this year. I'm going in with a very different mindset. I've surrendered. Life with two kids and a career is really fucking hard. And so far its not a matter of "but when he's sleeping better" (yeah, when will that be?) or "when he's x years old". No, things are not magically getting easier...each phase is bringing new and exhausting challenges and we are barely keeping our heads above water.
Yes, I want to be healthy. I want to have a strong marriage and friendships, to work on my career and even on some hobbies. But really, right now, I am going day to day and just doing the best I can. And that's OK. There is a deep and faint...but definitely present...satisfaction to simply making it through the day. Every day I am being a mother. A wife. A scientist and a physician. A colleague and a boss. A daughter, sister, friend. I am doing things that make a difference to someone. Every day.
Thus, I am not going to set up impossible standards for myself this year, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that even modest seemingly do-able goals are, in fact, impossible for me these days. I've definitely got some lifestyle changes in mind---for our whole family---and coming off a really chaotic few weeks of sickness, injury, and travel, this does turn out to be a good time to start them (more on that later). But its coming from a different place this time. Its about us...us...being healthier and having more fun, not about changing myself into this idealized vision of uber-career-mother-wife-person. While I am still a great fan of self-improvement in the abstract, I am sitting out this season. I don't need to be better. I'm pretty damn good as I am (if I do say so myself). ;)
Happy New Year! May 2013 bring amazing things to all.