Friday, August 7, 2015

Changing My Mind

Your comments on my last post led to enough thoughts for two follow-ups. This one here, about money, and one inspired by xykademiqz about midlife ennui that will have to wait a few days.

No, I do not think its wrong/bad to go out to eat or drink. In fact, I love it! Its one of my great joys in life to have an exotic, complicated or simply delicious meal someone prepared for me (and will clean up after me!) and to drink delicious boozy drinks in enormous fancy glasses that I get to pick out of a menu. But, like all luxuries, its way more luxurious when I don't do it very often.

The truth is, we've gone out to eat at least once a week since late May. My birthday, work travel, our anniversary, my sister visiting, my parents visiting, kids being gone, G's birthday, MIL visiting---there have been LOTS of special events that spurred us to leave the house and leave lots of our cash on the table. Celebrations, rare free baby-sitting, wanting to spend time with loved ones/friends---those are all valid reasons to go out to eat. But when enough 'valid reasons" come up, you have to eventually draw the line.

And, frankly, I don't think "boredom" or "stress" is  a valid reason to go out to eat. Then I really am falling into the "roadblock opiate" trap. We used to schedule sitters for "date nights" that basically consisted of us stuffing ourselves with food/booze to numb ourselves and forget about the stress of work and kids and our relationship issues---it was not bringing us closer as a couple, or refreshing us to get back to life. We would go home and feel simultaneously overfull and completely empty and unsatisfied---mystified that "date nights" were not working as billed to strengthen our relationship. There were also times when I'd come home from work, and the thought of the usual dinner/bed/chores routine bummed me out so much, I'd beg to go out to a restaurant for a change of pace. Of course, 2 small, loud & active kids in a restaurant was not anyone's idea of fun, we would scarf down food while wrangling kids, and again, come home unsatisfied.

I've been working on changing my mindset from immediately landing on "lets go out" as a way to celebrate or make things special. Its laziness in thinking & being that make that the default answer. It takes creativity (and maybe a bit of work) to come up with other ways to make an evening special, whether as a couple or with the family.

Growing up, we NEVER went out to eat. Maybe once or twice a year when we were older, for birthdays (aside from fast food joints on long road trips, even then, my parents would eat the food they packed). But we had plenty of fun and special times as a family or with friends.

The "with friends" part is the key, I think. My parents always had a huge network of friends (many with kids that became my friends) that we got together with on the weekends. Almost every weekend we were at someone's house for dinner, often both Friday & Saturday night. Many summer Saturdays were spent at the lake with potluck parties with several families. What made the time special was spending it with fun people, maybe cooking different (unhealthier!) foods than our usual weekday fare. When I grew up, I went out a lot with my friends, but we also had potlucks, and grilled by the pool, or had each over to watch movies & have beer and popcorn. There were lots of frugal things we did, because we had to as students, but also because it was fun.

I wonder how much of our default "lets go out to eat" is a reaction to the fact that we don't have many friends to just "have over" on a weekend. Even planning way in advance, we end up seeing our (few) friends sometimes only a couple times a year. I would like to work on that, but I'm not sure how. And in the meanwhile, I'm wondering how to make it "special" with just us.

If I'm willing to put a little work into I'm sure we could figure it out. The key is novelty. Anything new would be exciting, fun and give us something to look forward to. We could cook fancy breakfasts at home. We haven't made waffles in YEARS and the boys are always asking for them. Pre-kids we loved making fancy brunches at home and having mimosas, but we haven't done it in years. G & I could do at-home date nights and take turns making fancy meals for each other (or cooking together)---we could have ingredients delivered by Instacart if we weren't prepared. I'm sure I'll have to go first on this, to convince him its worth the effort! Weeknight picnic dinners at the park---we used to do this---I'd grab some food from home and meet G & the boys on their way home---but it was stressful when the boys were little because they kept running away and bothering other people who were relaxing or canoodling on the grass. Maybe they've grown out of this? Have a drink upstairs on our deck---we haven't been out their all summer yet! Early dinner on weekends followed by a park trip---the kids rarely (if ever) get to leave the house post-dinner so this is extra-special.

We have a birthday party for L's friend and kindergarten play date for B tomorrow, and plans to have friends over for Sunday dinner, but I'm hoping we can work in one of the above options into the weekend. I'm ready to expand my idea of "fun". We'll go out to dinner another time.

15 comments:

  1. Those all sound like great ideas!

    I love novelty too, especially with food ( https://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/how-do-you-get-excitement-in-your-life/ ). One of the things we do is go through cookbooks together. Or join a CSA which forces us to try new things. (DC1 is being a pill about both of these things at the moment, so he may be back on menu planning if he doesn't shape up. DC2 hasn't yet hit age 3's hatred of all things green, but I assume she will at some point in the near future.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. my kids are not adventurous enough to try that. they are actually not terrible eaters---way better than some kids---but they have their list of things they eat and are weary of new things. Maybe in a few years, I've always wanted to do that.

      Delete
    2. One thing that was fun for a while until DC1 hit this "I can't make any decisions" stage was letting him do all the menu planning. We gave him a pile of cookbooks (this one was a favorite: http://amzn.to/1ItBrRP ) and let him pick stuff out. It made *everybody* happy.

      Delete
  2. I hear you on having no friends. I used to have people over all the time when I was growing up and in college. They are all far away. Here, I would like to have more friends but having people over as a family is a lot of work and my DH is very antisocial. I have colleagues with whom I hang out at work and go to lunch, but the home visits haven't taken. DH doesn't want to endure the shallow small talk part of social relationships and doesn't see the point in going through it over and over in order to find one or no people he actually likes; he told me he's made peace with never making a real new friend again and that's okay with him. (Everything is complicated by our foreign-born status.) I understand what he means, but I miss people. However, it's hard socializing as a grownup or a family when 1/2 of the family is anti-social and also has super-high criteria for house cleanliness when people are coming over. (What I cannot believe is that he's the same as my father in that respect; my mom always used to bitch about my father never wanting to have anyone over. I suppose we do seek our parents in our partners... Freud would have a blast here.)
    Anyway, I hear you; having close friends with whom it would be fun to get together at the drop of a hat, now that would be heavenly. Probably not in the cards for us now, or ever again. I do see colleagues for lunch or coffee (on a rare occasion, everyone's busy) and it's fun, and I travel so I get to hang out with people. But DH is really a pariah, or more like really, really introverted, and he doesn't mind the absence of people much.

    Anyways, people --yes! And finding ways to make the everyday life with kids a bit special. It takes planning that I often have no energy for. Having a draining job and on top of that having to be the cook and social organizer can be a tall order.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. whoa, both you and noemi have an antisocial spouse! I'm an introvert myself, but I figure if G invited people over and the kids were fed & entertained when I got home, I would feel perfectly fine retreating to the basement with the ipad if I wasn't feeling social! I get not liking small talk and the getting-to-know-you phase, but having close friends is SO important to me. I guess I'm lucky that my husband agrees (though he's also averse to actually going to the trouble of MEETING people, ironic since he's better at small talk/joking around than I am).

      Delete
  3. I've had a post brewing for a while now about how the one thing I really want in life is a sense of community, feeling like I belong to a group (it could be a very small group) of people who know me in a profound way and are the friends that I default hang out with on a regular basis. I want that person who I just text and she is over with her kids and we are preparing some easy meal on the fly for the littles to eat while we sip margaritas (instead of spending over a week to make plans for us to go to the zoo together, only to get there and realize we can't talk because our kids are being clingy and obnoxious). I want that more than anything. I'd give up pretty much everything (my job, our house in the city, all our amenities) for that.

    The problem is that not only is my husband not interested in that fantasy, he would actively dislike it. It's kind of like his nightmare. All he wants to do when he comes home is disappear behind his iPad, the idea of even having to say hi to someone that isn't me or our kids is agonizing to him after a day of work. So yeah, even if I got lightening strike good luck and met a bestie (who lived near by and had kids the same age as mine and a schedule similar to mine), it probably wouldn't work out so well in my marriage. Ugh. Knowing exactly what I want and that I'm assuredly never going to get it is some depressing shit. That is why I haven't written the post yet--I can't figure out how to give it the "it'll all be okay" ending yet. Maybe in this case, there isn't one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah, the lack of that kind of community is definitely a lack in my life-. I just assumed the community would suddenly appear once I had the kids & house---everyone talks about making all these lifelong friends when they had babies---I never experienced that. Maybe its my fault for not doing whatever it is I need to do to build those relationships? I have a whole post about that I'm trying to finish, too. I did take the first step, and asked a friend over for wine tonight---but she declined.

      Delete
  4. Xyz & naomi, just wanted to say I'm right there with you via a vis wanting more close friends but a) not having the time myself, and b) not having a husband who wants this at all. It's so hard! I think maybe when I'm done with my training I will have to muster the energy to go forth and make a social life without him, but right now I have no time or energy to do so. Fortunately residency is a bit of a built in social life, but there are very real limits to the solidarity it can provide.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Josh actually has said "I don't need people." Ummmm what?! He was really trying to say he was happy with family comnections and didn't feel compelled to expand outside of that, but yeah. I need people.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll need an entire post to get into my thoughts on these antisocial husbands but I SOOOO don't get the family-connections-are-enough mindset. Maybe its my family, but I don't talk to my family about all my issues & feelings and whatnot. I guess the family can be enough for "socializing", like dinners together, hanging out at the park or pool, but I guess I need real connections---someone to talk to, commiserate with, get support from. This may very well be one of the few true gender differences, because it seems almost universal.

      Delete
  6. re: needing people, I think in addition to the introverted/extraverted spectrum, there's also an overlay of how many people you hang out with at work and what kind of interactions you have with them.

    My work is very people intensive during the school year (so... many... students...) and I consider a lot of my colleagues to be friends. So during the school year I'm a lot like the husbands being mentioned, especially since DC2 was born and there's less alone-time at home for me.

    Since he started working from home, my husband has started needed a lot more interaction with adults during his free time. He does this by joining gaming groups and occasionally hosting board-game nights. Also we no longer switch off on doing the birthday party circuit-- he is he default for that now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like above, I think students (or patients) are one thing---and I get needing time to decompress from all that interaction by the end of the day. But students are NOT a substitute for real conversation/support/connection which is what I need friends for! I think there is a difference between the "talking to adults" that you do at birthday parties and what it is that I'm really looking for, because I can do without that, too.

      Delete
    2. I imagine that many of the husbands mentioned above have guys that they connect with at work. I'm really lucky that even though I'm in a male-dominated field, I have colleagues at work that I'm able to connect with. I don't have to worry about the isolation of being one of the only women in the dept because there are a number of us hired around the same time. No advice there, just an observation and another example of the patriarchy making things difficult for women in male-dominated fields.

      Delete
  7. I think there is a difference between the "talking to adults" that you do at birthday parties and what it is that I'm really looking for, because I can do without that, too.

    Exactly. I think this is what DH and I want, too. Only he has given up on it and I am still clinging to the idea that I will develop some decent friendships locally. The endless small talk I could do without, although I view it as inescapable and DH prefers to escape it.

    Re N&M's comment on being saturated with people: I am too when I have a lot of face time, and need time to decompress. But for instance DH can spend days not seeing anyone at work and still does not want to or need to be with anyone outside of work. (Sometimes I joke that I don't know why he was given the gift of speech.) He never had many friends as a young person either. I did, and threw parties, and went clubbing. I am getting more introverted (and let's face it, just old and lazy) with age, but I guess he was always introverted (although not shy) and just getting more so...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly this. I'm not ready to give up hope, its never too late! And yes, I get saturated by "people" in general pretty quickly and need to decompress at the end of the day. its something I'm used to and I understand it now and can make sure I make time for it.

      Delete