Its a call week and I can't believe its only 2/5 over! Thankfully I am NOT on this weekend.
I feel bad complaining but I am kind of also over the disruptions in our schedules having MIL around. On the one hand, yes its AMAZING that we didn't have to blink at the snow days and early closures but on the other hand, its really hard to get the kids back into the groove of a regular schedule when she is still spoiling them constantly with treats & screens. We need to reinstate some consistency and discipline dammit!
I'm doing pretty well with my healthy habits. I went to a 6:15 AM gym class, meditated, drank 2 L of water, and ate vegetables, salad, and veggie soup (plus the "fun" part of my lunch, 1 oz of cheddar with 6 water crackers).
What else? I'm reading a very long book. "Jonathon Strange & Mr. Norrell". Its...weird. Not sure how I feel about it yet, though I'm 50% through. Its good enough to keep going at least. I have to read "The Year of Yes" for book club which seems like it'll be quick & fluffy, and I have the audiobook of "Little Fires Everywhere" to get through in the next couple of weeks, too.
Our dishwasher, which is just over a year old (and thus, just out of warranty) has started not draining consistently and making a smoking/burning smell. Argh. We are in the middle of more basement waterproofing/fixing (the waterproofing is done but now we are getting the drywall and floors put back and painting, etc..) and we just don't have the time, energy, money for ANOTHER home repair fiasco at the moment.
It was warmer during the day today so hopefully I won't be ice skating home this evening. I saw SO MANY people totally wipe out yesterday and this morning (including my kids). Walk slowly with your feet directly under your body if its icy!!
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Monday, January 8, 2018
Back to myself!
Whoa, I was in a funk last week! I guess the single digit temps & lack of sunlight on top of the letdown of something you've planned and looked forward to for 6 months finally being over really did a number on my mood. Add in some extra work stress and it was a recipe for a major bout of the blues.
On Saturday I was feeling happy and making plans again. Some extra sunshine and some talk about upcoming trips and spring activities for the kids, or just time, good sleep, good food, and some much-needed mindfulness and journaling may have helped.
I had a really good weekend. Friday we did pizza and family movie (Cars 3...not terrible). Saturday I was up bright and early to see patients in clinic (we have to do a few Saturday clinics per year). All my patients showed and I saw them, wrote my notes, and spent a couple hours revamping my grant ideas. I then crossed some tasks of my list: went to Indian store & put away Christmas decorations, laundry, and made a half batch of toffee chocolate chip cookies (G, the boys, and MIL were at the science museum all this time). When everyone got home we watched another movie together (its the thing to do when its freezing outside, I guess) and G and I braved the cold for a date night dinner & had yummy Korean food, including a truly sizzling hot pot that warmed us from the inside out (cocktails helped, too).
Sunday I went to barre and grocery shopping, and baked the chocolate chip banana bread my MIL loves (I don't eat bananas, but apparently its good). We prepped food & made lunches for the week and then G and I went on a day date! (taking good advantage of having MIL around!). We were going to watch Lady Bird but by the time we stood in the loooong (outside!) line, the movie had already started and the only seats were right up front and...no. So we stood in the long outside line AGAIN to get refunds and went to the bar across the street for cocktails and snacks before we headed back home to usual Sunday evening chores, dinner, and kids bedtime.
I'm really feeling encouraged about my back. Though the MRI did confirm herniation and some impingement (which explains my symptoms perfectly), I'm not having that much back pain and rarely do I have the radicular pain down my left leg. I have moved on from pain relief to strengthening the muscles around my back in PT FINALLY (I spent September-December in the same cycle of every single thing we tried making the pain worse and spending the entire session undoing that). I was also given the green light to try various exercise regimens again and see how I feel, with the plan to immediately stop and avoid anything that caused the leg pain.
I have decided to focus more on habits and baby steps this quarter than on any big overarching goals. I plan to spend this cold cold winter in "Hygge" mode. I know its the trendy thing, but it struck a chord for a reason, its a really nice way to rethink winter. For me that means: movies/board games/books with the kids, baking and soups, cozy socks and sweaters, and keeping the Christmas lights up outside to brighten our homecoming until the evenings get lighter. I also want to make sure I get outside every single day in the sunshine. I get so blah when I stay home or stuck in my dim office so I'm making an effort to avoid that.
The habits I'm working are all related to physical and mental health. Specific habits I am tracking: meditation (I splurged on a Headspace subscription and I'm reworking through the intro), drinking enough water, doing my PT exercises every other day, working out 4 X a week, no after dinner snacking, and gratitude (writing "3 good things" in my journal at the end of each day).
I also deleted FB and IG from my phone, whoo hoo!
On Saturday I was feeling happy and making plans again. Some extra sunshine and some talk about upcoming trips and spring activities for the kids, or just time, good sleep, good food, and some much-needed mindfulness and journaling may have helped.
I had a really good weekend. Friday we did pizza and family movie (Cars 3...not terrible). Saturday I was up bright and early to see patients in clinic (we have to do a few Saturday clinics per year). All my patients showed and I saw them, wrote my notes, and spent a couple hours revamping my grant ideas. I then crossed some tasks of my list: went to Indian store & put away Christmas decorations, laundry, and made a half batch of toffee chocolate chip cookies (G, the boys, and MIL were at the science museum all this time). When everyone got home we watched another movie together (its the thing to do when its freezing outside, I guess) and G and I braved the cold for a date night dinner & had yummy Korean food, including a truly sizzling hot pot that warmed us from the inside out (cocktails helped, too).
Sunday I went to barre and grocery shopping, and baked the chocolate chip banana bread my MIL loves (I don't eat bananas, but apparently its good). We prepped food & made lunches for the week and then G and I went on a day date! (taking good advantage of having MIL around!). We were going to watch Lady Bird but by the time we stood in the loooong (outside!) line, the movie had already started and the only seats were right up front and...no. So we stood in the long outside line AGAIN to get refunds and went to the bar across the street for cocktails and snacks before we headed back home to usual Sunday evening chores, dinner, and kids bedtime.
I'm really feeling encouraged about my back. Though the MRI did confirm herniation and some impingement (which explains my symptoms perfectly), I'm not having that much back pain and rarely do I have the radicular pain down my left leg. I have moved on from pain relief to strengthening the muscles around my back in PT FINALLY (I spent September-December in the same cycle of every single thing we tried making the pain worse and spending the entire session undoing that). I was also given the green light to try various exercise regimens again and see how I feel, with the plan to immediately stop and avoid anything that caused the leg pain.
I have decided to focus more on habits and baby steps this quarter than on any big overarching goals. I plan to spend this cold cold winter in "Hygge" mode. I know its the trendy thing, but it struck a chord for a reason, its a really nice way to rethink winter. For me that means: movies/board games/books with the kids, baking and soups, cozy socks and sweaters, and keeping the Christmas lights up outside to brighten our homecoming until the evenings get lighter. I also want to make sure I get outside every single day in the sunshine. I get so blah when I stay home or stuck in my dim office so I'm making an effort to avoid that.
The habits I'm working are all related to physical and mental health. Specific habits I am tracking: meditation (I splurged on a Headspace subscription and I'm reworking through the intro), drinking enough water, doing my PT exercises every other day, working out 4 X a week, no after dinner snacking, and gratitude (writing "3 good things" in my journal at the end of each day).
I also deleted FB and IG from my phone, whoo hoo!
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
Another year, another word
I'm actually having trouble mustering up enthusiasm for goal-setting and planning for the new year. I listened to the Happier podcast about "18 for 2018" and sat down two separate times to try to come up with a list of 18 things I wanted to do this year and I just...couldn't. Everything I keep thinking of is boring and incremental, or I've already resolved to do it year after year and failed to keep it up.
I can't even think of any quarterly or seasonal goals right now. Nothing that is inspiring or new or fun. So I figured I'd at least think of my "one word" for the year. And I did! And then I changed it...about 4 times. I'll bring you along on my navel-gazing journey.
My initial word was "Presence" as a reminder to focus on mindfulness and being fully immersed in whatever I am doing at any given moment, and a reminder to recommit to mediation and limiting technology use. I know I am a better parent when I do this, and obviously much more productive at work. But it seemed so cliche and almost too high-minded for how I am feeling these days.
The latter half of 2017 kind of, well, sucked. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and stagnating professionally and personally. For the first time in a LONG time I cannot find my usual levels of optimism. I really need to get unstuck in my career and we also need to break out of some negative habits and routines as a family and shake things up because ugh. I've made little/backwards progress on my fitness, spending, etc...
So I picked the word "Forward" because that's where I want to be by 2019---at least one step closer to...something better. But, you know, sometimes things aren't completely under your control and the belief that you can always attain what you want just by working hard and wanting it sounds naive to me right now and the constant push to do MORE and be BETTER is exhausting. .Maybe I need to just be OK with my life as it is.
"Acceptance" seems like a good intention for anytime, right? Change what you can and accept the rest? But am I changing all that I can? Things have been pretty much status quo for years now. Maybe the right move isn't just continuing to trudge down the same old worn path, through ever increasing obstacles when you don't even know if you want to go where that road is taking you.
These are big and scary thoughts for me to even consider. This is going to take some unpacking and sorting out. I'm terrified of change. I do everything in my power to avoid thinking about it.But its time. So I'm vowing to be "OPEN" in 2018. Open to what-ifs, and maybes, and entertaining options. To having conversations about possibilities. Maybe there will be decisions, maybe not. That's not really the point.
I can't even think of any quarterly or seasonal goals right now. Nothing that is inspiring or new or fun. So I figured I'd at least think of my "one word" for the year. And I did! And then I changed it...about 4 times. I'll bring you along on my navel-gazing journey.
My initial word was "Presence" as a reminder to focus on mindfulness and being fully immersed in whatever I am doing at any given moment, and a reminder to recommit to mediation and limiting technology use. I know I am a better parent when I do this, and obviously much more productive at work. But it seemed so cliche and almost too high-minded for how I am feeling these days.
The latter half of 2017 kind of, well, sucked. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and stagnating professionally and personally. For the first time in a LONG time I cannot find my usual levels of optimism. I really need to get unstuck in my career and we also need to break out of some negative habits and routines as a family and shake things up because ugh. I've made little/backwards progress on my fitness, spending, etc...
So I picked the word "Forward" because that's where I want to be by 2019---at least one step closer to...something better. But, you know, sometimes things aren't completely under your control and the belief that you can always attain what you want just by working hard and wanting it sounds naive to me right now and the constant push to do MORE and be BETTER is exhausting. .Maybe I need to just be OK with my life as it is.
"Acceptance" seems like a good intention for anytime, right? Change what you can and accept the rest? But am I changing all that I can? Things have been pretty much status quo for years now. Maybe the right move isn't just continuing to trudge down the same old worn path, through ever increasing obstacles when you don't even know if you want to go where that road is taking you.
These are big and scary thoughts for me to even consider. This is going to take some unpacking and sorting out. I'm terrified of change. I do everything in my power to avoid thinking about it.But its time. So I'm vowing to be "OPEN" in 2018. Open to what-ifs, and maybes, and entertaining options. To having conversations about possibilities. Maybe there will be decisions, maybe not. That's not really the point.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
...On such a winter's day
Happy New Year guys! You'll have to wait for my 2018 word and goals and plans while I recap December.
I had some kind of mystery illness that had me feeling queasy and incredibly exhausted for over 2 weeks---to the point that I panicked and brought a UPT since the only other time I've felt like this, I've been pregnant. So December kind of sucked and I spent a lot of time kind of zoned out and got way behind and work and home (though G picked up ALL the slack and kept us all going).
I did manage to decorate for the holidays---including solar-powered lights outside which I think I'll keep up through January, baked and decorated gingerbread cookies, made foam kit gingerbread houses, helped organize the PTA winter-fest for the school, and planned out the Christmas (and birthday) gifts. I had to ditch some outings I was looking forward to (because sooooooooo tired).
We did Christmas presents on the 23rd. The boys even wrote Santa to ask him to come early, so he sent an elf!
And then we headed to the airport on the 24th for our long-awaited southern California trip. MIL met us there an hour after we arrived, and all 5 of us had a fantastic and warm week. I'll be honest I was kind of dreading traveling with MIL (because...you know...she's nuts), but is was honestly so amazing to have some kid-free time, it was worth it. We had 2 hotel rooms for 4 of the 6 nights, and she had the kids with her which was quite a nice break!
We did touristy things, swam in heated hotel pools, ate lots of good food, and did 2 days/nights at Legoland (this was B's birthday surprise). We didn't have a cake but stuck a candle in a stack of pancakes for him and called it good enough. G and I managed 2 glorious runs along the bay during the week and my back did NOT hurt after 3 gentle miles, which is encouraging!
What was even more special was what we didn't do...i.e. any work or chores! I tried to remind myself daily to be grateful for the reprieve from cooking and cleaning and laundry and errands and, of course, the work-work of grant-writing and seeing patients and charting...
What we also didn't do was freeze our butts off, but the bitter cold was waiting for us when we got home Saturday night. Good lord it was a shock to the system to go from 70+ to "feels like 5". We spent Sunday getting everything in order---buying and cooking food, cleaning clothes, unpacking. Did nothing special to ring in the new year, though we were awake watching TV.
Yesterday we took the kids to watch The Last Jedi (it was good fun, I really enjoyed it. G and I had actually gone to see it a couple weeks ago but I fell asleep and missed at least 75% of it so it was all brand new to me!). MIL stayed home and cooked, and the house smelled amazing when we returned. Today I'm back at work, breaking in my new pens and planner in between phone calls and emails and making grant-writing spreadsheets.
Back soon with new-years-type stuff because you know I can't resist an occasion for self-improvement!
I had some kind of mystery illness that had me feeling queasy and incredibly exhausted for over 2 weeks---to the point that I panicked and brought a UPT since the only other time I've felt like this, I've been pregnant. So December kind of sucked and I spent a lot of time kind of zoned out and got way behind and work and home (though G picked up ALL the slack and kept us all going).
I did manage to decorate for the holidays---including solar-powered lights outside which I think I'll keep up through January, baked and decorated gingerbread cookies, made foam kit gingerbread houses, helped organize the PTA winter-fest for the school, and planned out the Christmas (and birthday) gifts. I had to ditch some outings I was looking forward to (because sooooooooo tired).
We did Christmas presents on the 23rd. The boys even wrote Santa to ask him to come early, so he sent an elf!
And then we headed to the airport on the 24th for our long-awaited southern California trip. MIL met us there an hour after we arrived, and all 5 of us had a fantastic and warm week. I'll be honest I was kind of dreading traveling with MIL (because...you know...she's nuts), but is was honestly so amazing to have some kid-free time, it was worth it. We had 2 hotel rooms for 4 of the 6 nights, and she had the kids with her which was quite a nice break!
We did touristy things, swam in heated hotel pools, ate lots of good food, and did 2 days/nights at Legoland (this was B's birthday surprise). We didn't have a cake but stuck a candle in a stack of pancakes for him and called it good enough. G and I managed 2 glorious runs along the bay during the week and my back did NOT hurt after 3 gentle miles, which is encouraging!
What was even more special was what we didn't do...i.e. any work or chores! I tried to remind myself daily to be grateful for the reprieve from cooking and cleaning and laundry and errands and, of course, the work-work of grant-writing and seeing patients and charting...
What we also didn't do was freeze our butts off, but the bitter cold was waiting for us when we got home Saturday night. Good lord it was a shock to the system to go from 70+ to "feels like 5". We spent Sunday getting everything in order---buying and cooking food, cleaning clothes, unpacking. Did nothing special to ring in the new year, though we were awake watching TV.
Yesterday we took the kids to watch The Last Jedi (it was good fun, I really enjoyed it. G and I had actually gone to see it a couple weeks ago but I fell asleep and missed at least 75% of it so it was all brand new to me!). MIL stayed home and cooked, and the house smelled amazing when we returned. Today I'm back at work, breaking in my new pens and planner in between phone calls and emails and making grant-writing spreadsheets.
Back soon with new-years-type stuff because you know I can't resist an occasion for self-improvement!
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Off Kilter
I'm feeling physically and mentally off this week. I saw the psychiatrist on Thursday and she had me increase the P@xil dose, so that may be part of it, but honestly, I was feeling kind of weird before that, too. Maybe I'm just getting back to back minor long-lasting illnesses? Tis the season, after all.
I also think this back injury---and specifically the inability to exercise regularly in my preferred form---has started a vicious cycle of bad habits. Not getting up early to work out leads to variable bedtimes which leads to late night snacking, and also coping with the whole suckiness of the situation in non-optimal ways. I've gained some weight, stopped meditating (because sitting in any position was painful and distracting), am spending way too much time on social media and games, online shopping, and overall just don't feel completely in control of things.
I keep trying to get up early to catch up on things (home and work) and just keep snoozing. And I can't really stay up much past the kids bedtime, either. I feel like there is so much to do in the next 3 nights. G has really been pulling the weight for both of us these days, and I really hate to leave him in this position for too long, because everyone has their limits.
I also think this back injury---and specifically the inability to exercise regularly in my preferred form---has started a vicious cycle of bad habits. Not getting up early to work out leads to variable bedtimes which leads to late night snacking, and also coping with the whole suckiness of the situation in non-optimal ways. I've gained some weight, stopped meditating (because sitting in any position was painful and distracting), am spending way too much time on social media and games, online shopping, and overall just don't feel completely in control of things.
I keep trying to get up early to catch up on things (home and work) and just keep snoozing. And I can't really stay up much past the kids bedtime, either. I feel like there is so much to do in the next 3 nights. G has really been pulling the weight for both of us these days, and I really hate to leave him in this position for too long, because everyone has their limits.
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Where is my easy button?
Its one of those ultra-cold days where my face hurts. Thankfully I had a cancellation and a no-show (because no one apparently wants to leave their house and have their face hurt) so I'm drinking tea and catching up. I can't believe my last post was 13 days ago. I'll blame my annoying upper-to-lower respiratory illness that hit me right after the last post and is STILL lingering, but at least I'm starting to get my energy levels back to normal.
I'm still feeling a bit down in the dumps, despite the glitter and twinkle of the holidays and our impending trip. These things are still going on. And no matter how much I try to give myself a break on the other stuff, I just can't seem to catch one.
Example, that inspired the title of this post: Last Friday. End of a long week, time to relax and get some Fredagsmys going. I was just finishing up patient calls and about to start planning for the next week when I got a call from the aftercare that L had thrown up. So I leave immediately to pick the boys up, and L walks over to me and throws up again. We slowly make our way home and I decide that pizza and movie would be the way to go, and the boys were happy because they adore their screen time!
First of all, we couldn't find a movie they wanted to watch. So we decided they could watch some shows. B got to choose first and L went along with some insipid Mickey Clubhouse Christmas jamboree. Then 22 minutes later when it was L's turn to choose, it became an all out war, because B wouldn't agree to anything. And then there was shouting and hitting. And 20+ minutes of B stomping around, refusing to watch, refusing to do anything else, and refusing to get the hell away from the rest of us who were trying to relax and watch a show (L) or down some cocktails (G and I).
This scenario is repeated in our house over and over again every weekend. Another example: homework. Every day with the freaking homework. Do you know how hard it is to coax a surly kid with ADHD through nearly an hour of homework daily (math sheet, science packet section, 20 minutes of reading + writing sentences about said reading)? Its fucking hard, especially when there is also another kid that needs to do his daily reading (its a 5 page beginner book but it takes him a while to sound out the words and he likes to practice over and over which I am certainly trying to encourage). Oh and the daily shit-show that is dinner and making them eat their veggies and L to take his medicine. And that is BEFORE doing teeth and baths which they also complain about and fight through EVERY. SINGLE. TIME as if its brand new that yes they have to brush ALL their teeth every day and wash their bodies once in a while! So for fucks sake when Friday rolls around I just want them to watch a goddamn movie and leave me the fuck alone for 90 minutes.
Sigh. There is also more than the usual BS going on at work and I"m still having the back pain and can't do much to work out and I'm sure that is all contributing to my attitude. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow where I was initially going to discuss weaning OFF the SSRI but now I"m thinking I may need something stronger. I better hit post before I start ranting again...
I'm still feeling a bit down in the dumps, despite the glitter and twinkle of the holidays and our impending trip. These things are still going on. And no matter how much I try to give myself a break on the other stuff, I just can't seem to catch one.
Example, that inspired the title of this post: Last Friday. End of a long week, time to relax and get some Fredagsmys going. I was just finishing up patient calls and about to start planning for the next week when I got a call from the aftercare that L had thrown up. So I leave immediately to pick the boys up, and L walks over to me and throws up again. We slowly make our way home and I decide that pizza and movie would be the way to go, and the boys were happy because they adore their screen time!
First of all, we couldn't find a movie they wanted to watch. So we decided they could watch some shows. B got to choose first and L went along with some insipid Mickey Clubhouse Christmas jamboree. Then 22 minutes later when it was L's turn to choose, it became an all out war, because B wouldn't agree to anything. And then there was shouting and hitting. And 20+ minutes of B stomping around, refusing to watch, refusing to do anything else, and refusing to get the hell away from the rest of us who were trying to relax and watch a show (L) or down some cocktails (G and I).
This scenario is repeated in our house over and over again every weekend. Another example: homework. Every day with the freaking homework. Do you know how hard it is to coax a surly kid with ADHD through nearly an hour of homework daily (math sheet, science packet section, 20 minutes of reading + writing sentences about said reading)? Its fucking hard, especially when there is also another kid that needs to do his daily reading (its a 5 page beginner book but it takes him a while to sound out the words and he likes to practice over and over which I am certainly trying to encourage). Oh and the daily shit-show that is dinner and making them eat their veggies and L to take his medicine. And that is BEFORE doing teeth and baths which they also complain about and fight through EVERY. SINGLE. TIME as if its brand new that yes they have to brush ALL their teeth every day and wash their bodies once in a while! So for fucks sake when Friday rolls around I just want them to watch a goddamn movie and leave me the fuck alone for 90 minutes.
Sigh. There is also more than the usual BS going on at work and I"m still having the back pain and can't do much to work out and I'm sure that is all contributing to my attitude. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow where I was initially going to discuss weaning OFF the SSRI but now I"m thinking I may need something stronger. I better hit post before I start ranting again...
Friday, December 1, 2017
Happy December
I'm feeling very positive today. Its a new month, the weather is lovely, its Friday and we have fun stuff and downtime planned for the weekend. We have what feels like an extra-long holiday season ahead of us and I'm getting into the festive spirit. I did my monthly planning yesterday & also bought a 2018 planner (same Minimalist one, I like it).
Weekend plans:
Friday night: pizza and screen time for the kids. Give them the Lego advent calendar my parents bought them
Saturday: barre class in AM, karate belt ceremony (yellow for L, blue for B), take L to buy B's Birthday and Christmas gifts, date night!
Sunday: make/hang wreath and put lights outside (I bought a string of solar powered LED bulbs to put in the window boxes), take B to see Coco (L says it'll be "too scary" for him), make big pot of soup (suggestions welcome---last week it was a green lentil stew).
I do kind of want the work day to be done. Its only 3:30 but I've been laser focused for 7.5 hours and I'm feeling a bit done. But my schedule says otherwise so off I go to peruse some data and read some articles.
Weekend plans:
Friday night: pizza and screen time for the kids. Give them the Lego advent calendar my parents bought them
Saturday: barre class in AM, karate belt ceremony (yellow for L, blue for B), take L to buy B's Birthday and Christmas gifts, date night!
Sunday: make/hang wreath and put lights outside (I bought a string of solar powered LED bulbs to put in the window boxes), take B to see Coco (L says it'll be "too scary" for him), make big pot of soup (suggestions welcome---last week it was a green lentil stew).
I do kind of want the work day to be done. Its only 3:30 but I've been laser focused for 7.5 hours and I'm feeling a bit done. But my schedule says otherwise so off I go to peruse some data and read some articles.
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