19 for 2019

The idea is actually from Gretchen Rubin's "Happier" podcast, they did "18 for 2018" and are doing it again this year...its basically a selection of big and small goals to accomplish within the next 12 months. I didn't have the energy to even attempt this last year, but I was feeling it this year! Some of the items stem from the priorities/goals I have already discussed, and some are just...fun. I've added some explanation as needed...

1. Compost I signed up for the free trial for a city collection, they are delivering the bucket tomorrow and if I like it, we will sign up for weekly pickups. for years I've been meaning to "make my own" because I hated the idea of paying for it...but I hate even more how much trash we generate!

2. Get glasses My vision has changed for the worse with age. I have a prescription, just have to pick out the glasses now.

3. Use Instant Pot Bought it as a Black Friday deal...still sitting in basement. Recipes welcome!

4. Laser bikini/legs Did my armpits last fall. Life changing. Worth every penny. Can't believe I waited this long.

5. Find a therapist 

6. Reach xxx weight (i.e. jeans fit comfortably)

7. Read War and Peace. 

8. Drive our car once/month. I have a semi-phobia about this, after so many years not driving, so I'm trying to intentionally get more practice.

9. Renew passports & get TSA precheck 

10. Try going without housecleaner X 6 months. We fired the cleaner last month because they were becoming really terrible and it was more stressful to have to explain what to do and get everything ready than it would be to just do the damn thing ourselves. If it doesn't work out well I will find someone new.

11. One-on-one dates with kids once/season 

12. Date nights out twice/month

13. Go to play on Broadway with friends 

14. Go to the beach

15. Plan a holiday/winter trip somewhere warm

16. Camping with the dog

17. Summer road trip somewhere cool

18. Host brunch 3 times with different groups of friends

19. Submit 2 big grants

What worked and what didn't in 2018

Overall, I'd consider it a good year for me personally (if not for the world at large) and mediocre professionally. I like reflecting back and seeing what I want to change and what I'd like to build on so that things keep moving in the right direction in all areas!

Lets start with the negative, so we can put it behind us?

What didn't work that I want to fix:

• Stopping the Paxil/not going to therapy: I thought things were stable enough to try it out. I was wrong, the last few weeks have been BAD. It started off with being more irritable---yelling more at the boys, picking fights with G...then moved to difficulty concentrating and staying on task at work, and finally into full fledged anxiety with all the psychosomatic symptoms, including not sleeping. I'm not scheduled to go back to the psych until later this month, but I have a big bottle and I restarted it last night. I also left another message with the therapy group to see if I can get in to see someone (they were all full last fall, said to call back in December and I didn't) to keep working on the coping skills. 
• Not scheduling couple time for me and G.  We're doing fine, just not as connected as we'd like and sometimes feel like we haven't spoken in weeks! Our schedules are in a place where we need to really make a point to spend time together or it won't happen. I usually go to bed as soon as the kids do these days so we don't have default weeknight TV/talk/hang-out time anymore.  We both realized we need a "date night", either at home or out, weekly and I'm going to start putting them into our calendar in advance so we don't plan social or other outings. 
• Long family trips: the full week at Disney and later the beach with my family, the week and a half with MIL...I'd rather leave on a high note, wanting more, than be DONE and dying to go home, ending up way more stressed then I started and needing a few days to recover. We figured that the kids could handle it so why not try to squeeze as much as we could out of the vacation, but turned out that I couldn't handle it and I need a day or two to decompress.
• Not blogging/writing: Its good for me to sort out my thoughts. I was writing here more often, and then I was using a journal for a while, and then I just...stopped. And I miss the outlet. 

And now the good stuff! What worked this year that I want to do more of:

• A little selfishness: I realized that I needed more social interaction and to get out of the house once/week on average and I just...made it happen. I look at my calendar every month and start texting friends to plan things for random evenings and also a couple of lunches/month. The kids and G are fine. I am much less crabby. 
• Low-key entertaining: to add to the social interaction I've also gotten more proactive at inviting friends and neighbors over for brunch play-dates and impromptu dinners. The adults can sit and talk and the kids can run around...its way more relaxing than going somewhere. 
• Weekend getaways: having a car helps a lot with this and we want to make it happen more often. Camping, visiting my sister or G's cousin (2-3 hour drives)---refreshing to get out of the house and thus not do any chores for a day or two! 
• Unabashed family fandom: Its just so fun to dive right into whatever we happen to love at the moment! This is something I've learned from my kids, because I've been programmed to play it cool and cynical from an early age. We went all in on loving Hamilton, and then Harry Potter, and now B has gotten us all into listening to Taylor Swift (and I have to admit...I like some of her songs...). Eventually the kids will refuse to like anything we also like so I'm kind of soaking this up while it lasts...

So the "negatives" are really "double negatives", i.e. things I didn't do that I should've done. Whereas the positives are things I did. I'm sure there is a lesson there somewhere? And there is likely a lot more in each category but these are the ones that are in the forefront of my mind right now as I set up the shiny empty new planner!

Happy 2019!

I am definitely feeling the New Year/Fresh Start mojo this year. I am making lists and plans and filling in the blank pages in my planner. So lets dive in, since one of those plans includes more regular writing in this space because I miss it!

I was going to start this post with a paragraph of how the end of the year was rough, with sickness, traveling, anxiety, poorly behaved children and MILs, etc... And then I went back to review last January's posts to see what goals I had made for the year (answer: NONE, I wasn't feeling it last year!). And my first January post was...word for word the same complaints about the stressful holiday/year end time period. So, lets just gloss over that for now, though I do have some thoughts about preventing a recurrence.

I was thinking of a word for the year and settled on more of a theme instead: "Back to Basics". 2018 was actually a more exciting/adventurous year (for ME, nothing major, just a lot of...fun). but with the addition of so much extra, I've let the foundations crumble a bit and I'm feeling overall physically and mentally spent. I need to reset and hope the theme (which I'm writing on each monthly goals page in my planner) will remind me to keep those priorities.

What this means practically is to restart the following habits:

• Wake up early for time to think/plan before the day begins
• Meditation
• Exercise 4-5 X/week
• One month of no alcohol (begins today-Feb 1st since yesterday...didn't happen) and then back to no drinking on weeknights
• Friday afternoon planning at work
• One month off FB/IG

So those are the boring "have to dos"I need to recommit to for my health. I've also decided to go with the "19 for 2019" list and am using that to add in more fun and personal growth. I'm also still going through the "what worked and what didn't" list for 2018, and I've got a lot to say there, so stay tuned!

2018 Highlights

I did make cookies after all, I went with my go-to recipe. The party was fun and I'm glad I went, but I was every-so-slightly hungover this morning and it took a while to recover (I didn't even drink that much! Stupid aging!)

I am skipping tonights meet-up with another group of friends, because I just can't be out two nights in a row, I'm still sick, and (the icing on the cake) I found out that G is home with B who is throwing up (I left super early before B was up yet).

So...2018 isn't quite ending on a high note, but I needed to remind myself that overall its been a great year.

Highlights of the year

• Disney trip with my family 
• Getting a car!
• Camping trips 
• Kid-free time this summer and the trips to visit family to drop them off
• Hamilton! (going to see it, and enjoying the music as a family before & after)
• My book club: the monthly meetings and expanding beyond to other activities and a constantly entertaining messenger thread
• Harry Potter Halloween and reading books 4 and 5 this year (finishing up 5 currently) accompanied by my own listening to not one, but TWO, HP podcasts (HP and the Sacred Text and Binge Mode HP)
• Girls trip to NoLa

I really had to narrow this list down, too, and it made me smile. Now to finish work so I can go relieve G for a bit and settle into our first weekend with all 4 of us at home in a while (before we leave again next weekend...)

A little nuts...

So...didn't mean to completely stop writing for 6 weeks. I've honestly been sick with one thing after another the ENTIRE TIME (still coughing and feverish today with the third/fourth (?) back-to-back virus). Plus I traveled to 4 different states for various work/fun/family reasons. And gearing up to travel again, for winter break. 

Add on a week of call, lots of clinic sessions, every single medical appointment for me and the kids squeezed into 2 months, 2 papers and a grant I'm working on, the PTA and another volunteer project I took on, and the usual holiday socializing ramp up...oh, and weaning myself off the P@xil and the resultant lingering anxiety, and I just quite honestly could not make the time to update here. 

G asked me if I felt over-scheduled and I had to admit that I may have taken on a bit more than I can handle. In fairness, I did not know that everything would happen AT THE SAME TIME nor that I would be sick during all of it making it 100 X worse. 

By the time I got home from my last trip (girls trip, super fun but constant interaction) on Saturday evening, I got to unpack, feed the kids, and freshen up in time for the sitter for our neighbor's holiday party. On Sunday, I was DONE. Just done. I did not go to the gym. I took the kids to a birthday party and anti-socially sat in a corner at the ice skating rink on my phone, avoiding meeting other parents and 0% interested in putting on skates and getting on the ice myself. I put my headphones on and had a cooking and laundry marathon, so I wasn't useless, but I just needed a day to recover before I plunged back into a full day of clinic on Monday.

I am trying to get work done this week and parent my sick and acting out kids and gear up for the holidays (teacher gifts sorted, kid gifts not yet thought about). I have a cookie swap to go to tonight (with my lovely neighborhood book group gals) and I'm debating whether I should just buy some cookies, or swing by the store for ingredients for a quick chocolate chip dough. 

Things I've got planned to write about: 

• Guilt
• 2018 reflections: what went well and what did not 
• 2019 Goals! 
• Favorite books of 2018

More soon (or not, we'll see...)

Light Blue

Guys, I'm digging really deep to make it through this week without losing my shit. Its just a cluster&ck of awful/stressful/just busy, including but not limited to:

1) I think (hope) I am at the peak of the P@xil withdrawal. Waves of anxiety and nausea throughout the day and waking me up at night, and just overall feeling ready to cry or scream or both at the drop of a hat

2) I'm sick. Sore throat/fever/coughing etc... Like legit sick where I would love to stay home and rest but I can't because...

3) I'm on call. Thankfully not for the weekend, so I just have to drag myself through 2 more days, but the service is getting busier and busier. And literally each night I've been woken up by a call JUST as I've finally gotten to sleep and then am up for another hour.

4) The election was, of course, super stressful and I stayed up way way too late on a group chat while results came in and am swinging (still) wildly between optimism (so many house seats taken by an incredibly diverse group of women and men! but mostly women!) and despondency (if this election was really a "referendum on tr&mp" then this is not good news and man I'm sad that some of my absolute favorite candidates across the country just barely didn't make it). Underneath all of that though, I do feel a deep pride and inspiration in my friends near & far who put so much work in registering voters, canvassing, texting...I'm inspired to do more in the future.

5) Its just an overall unusually busy week. L was sick so we had to work around that on M/T (yes that's where I got it from). The kids had Tuesday off and half-days Wed/Thurs/Fri for report card conferences. I have to go to these conferences this evening---and then rush to meet friends for the first in a season of shows at a local theater we are going to see together. My parents came last night and while its helpful on the childcare front and I am very happen to see them, its still people in my house I have to feed & make plans for and...well, you know.

I really really hope I feel better by the weekend so we can take advantage of the babysitting and get out! And I've got a "work-cation" next week (work-related conference, but I'm staying with a friend and not planning to do too much work-work and just immerse myself in the conference)

Anyways. Off to round.

Some Sirius Fun

Bullet updates! Better late than never!

• We did run the race! In the cold & rain! L ran the 1.5 mile loop and B continued with me for the second loop and ran his first 5K in 33 minutes! I was so proud of him!
• And then we went straight into my new favorite way to socialize as a family: the boozy brunch playdate. We prepped this amazing casserole Friday night and popped it into the oven, set out fruit and salad and pancakes and the kids grazed and played for hours while the grownups had mimosas and chatted. 
• Sunday it was not raining, so I was inspired to put up the Halloween decorations and paint pumpkins---we did Harry Potter, Hedwig, and Platform 9 3/4. They were amazing and I will try to add pictures if I have time later. 
• I made two big pots of soup: this African peanut soup (I used kale instead of collards) and this curried cauliflower (I subbed lime for lemon zest, vermouth for wine and used chicken broth since we had it). Both were thick and hearty and made a full meal served over rice. 
• I've mentioned this before but I really love Halloween in our neighborhood. Its just...fun. Everything except the candy part. The weather was beautiful this year, in the 60s, and just getting outside and walking & seeing friends & neighbors was great. 
• G made B a BRILLIANT costume---he went as Sirius Black in the "wanted" poster---he created a whole foam board box, with lights, that he wore with shoulder straps and his face was in the middle (tough to explain...). I would say maybe 20% of people "got" it, but those that did were really impressed. L was jealous at the attention---he was a super cute Harry himself, and quite honestly made out like a bandit by being able to sneak in and grab candy from all the bowls, while B was hindered by the huge box around his body! I borrowed a robe, greased my hair, and put on a dark mark tattoo so I could be a very low-key Snape.
• I buckled down like a madwomen and analyzed data to create a poster that I ordered as custom fabric online. I HATE carrying a huge poster tube on the plane and I really wanted to try it, but the turnaround is slow and my poster is in 10 days. I am super proud of myself!
• Definitely not committing to writing daily this month but I AM trying to figure out a regular blogging schedule. I have thoughts and ideas I want to share, and I am missing this space.