The Stuff of Life

I was intrigued by Laura's post about "millennial burnout" and "errand paralysis", particularly the different viewpoints in the comments. I did roll my eyes a bit reading the actual article, and may have uttered "Oh COME ON!" more than once. But, the fact that I'm still thinking about a week later does argue that the topic is important and almost universally relatable.

Of course doing errands is annoying and easy to put off, sometimes for long enough that you actually have to pay some consequences. But I don't think its related to "burnout" nor is it completely generational. I'm not a millennial, and I've certainly ignored returning something for too long, and I once threw out a pair of shoes because taking them to get the heel fixed was beyond my abilities at the time.

I have definitely dropped the ball on errands when my energy is majorly focused on something else....either external (a work deadline or family health issue), or internal (anxiety/depression). I suspect this is what the original article was referring to---just not having the bandwidth for ONE MORE THING no matter how trivial it seems.

But there may be more to it, in that people sometimes act like they just shouldn't have to do these trivial things. Is it the privilege/entitlement that waiting in the line at the post office is beneath their station and pay grade? Or some societal mindset shift that's come from years of reading advice about how to pick your priorities! own your time! craft your best life! No one would imagine a perfectly crafted life with every chunk of time devoted to your life's priorities would involve returning an ill-fitting shirt to the Gap or going in person to pick up a guest parking tag.

And then there is the fact that when many tasks can be easily checked off by a few clicks on your phone in the comfort of your living room anytime of day or night, having to actually GO SOMEWHERE at a CERTAIN TIME to do things seems antiquated and frustrating. I definitely feel it, and I remember the days of calling the airline to book a plane ticket and then having to bring the actual thing with you to the airport. I imagine younger generations feel it even more acutely---in this day and age, the idea of having to arrange your day around a mindless necessity can make you annoyed enough to completely refuse, if you let it.

Yet, somehow, I have almost always managed to get my sh&t done over these years. I have a few different approaches:

-Outsource. I know you can probably hire a personal assistant (long term or even as a one-off to take care of those nagging tasks), but I haven't needed to this. I choose home delivery when I can (even our pharmacy offers it now, for a small fee!) or swap favors with friends (I'm bringing a bunch of weird recycling stuff to a friend tonight who is going to the one health food store in town that takes them).
-Avoid it. If you really don't want to do it, you could probably avoid it. I HATED taking stuff to dry clean so I rarely buy dry clean only clothing. I also try to buy clothes from stores that have a local brick-and-morter so I don't have to mail the returns back because the post office/UPS/FedEx are all kind of far away.  I know people who don't shop online at all because they don't want to deal with the returns.
-Batch it. I tend to online shop at several stores at once, so I can do all needed returns together, for example. Twice a month I take B to social skills therapy right in the middle of the city and I pack up any returns, library books, etc... to deal with while he's in the group and its amazing how much I can cross off the list in 45 minutes when I'm already in the area.
-Spread it out. Or the opposite, I just pick one thing to do every week so I'm not overwhelmed, and put it in my planner on a less-busy day and just...do it.
-Find a friend. Its always more fun and less painful to have a companion during these boring stints. I used to do this in med school, after our block exams were done, 2-3 of us would just go with each other to get our stuff done and have lunch. I remember more recently going to the DMV with a friend, and G and I went together once and got breakfast after. Now that my kids are older, I may even drag one along (with the promise of a treat afterwards) to morph the "boring errand" into "family time" (though often I prefer the "me time"
-Remember its a choice. The errands are usually brought about by something you decided and wanted to do or something you value. If you are going to the post office, you are likely sending something to someone, maybe a nice gift that'll make them happy? I don't want to spend $ and closet space on clothes that don't fit, so I return the rejects.  Pant hems dragging on the ground are gross and possibly unsafe. I need a valid license and ID to fly and drive and buy booze...etc...

The Nope 30

I did put a weight loss goal into my 19 for 2019 list, and I did think a bit about how to achieve this. Many start the new year with some kind of detox/reset diet, and I've seen lots doing the Whole 30. I looked into it briefly and considered it...for a few minutes. I also considered another low-carb month like I did a few years ago, or the keto diet that is working wonders for some friends, or "doing my macros" like my sister.

I know committing to a diet and sticking with it for a month or two would quickly get those pounds off and get me pretty close to the weight at which I feel most comfortable (my clothes fit well, I am less self-conscious in a swimsuit, I don't feel jiggly when I run). I mean, its worked for me before. But yet, here I am again.

Because none of that was sustainable for me, and I need something I can do FOREVER.  I am DONE with losing and regaining and losing and rinse and repeat. I can't eat low-carb forever, I love pizza and French fries too much. Counting every calorie I put into my mouth made me crazy. I'm not sure we understand the long term health effects of ketogenesis. My family is finally at a place where we can all eat mostly the same things together for dinner, and its nice to share that with them. Its hard enough meal planning for one dinner a day, I just can't take the mental load of planning something different for myself. I'm definitely a moderator, not an abstainer. I don't WANT to be "free of French fries" and the thought of never having them again makes me want to run to the nearest pub and order 3 servings.

So I am going with the slow and unsteady approach of just...eating less. I'm writing down what I eat each day, weighing myself most days (works better for me than weekly, I can see the ups and downs and overall trend and not get discouraged), and trying to stick to some general principles (don't eat after dinner, try to push lunch as late as I can, avoid snacking between meals). But sometimes I'm super hungry after dinner or in the afternoon, and...I have a snack. It balances out, since occasionally I'm NOT hungry and I just...don't eat.

I'm working on my mindset around food. I am getting over my fear of being hungry---I will survive! It comes and goes in waves! and my feelings of scarcity---I will eventually have the opportunity to eat this amazing food again, and even if not, over-stuffing myself does not enhance the experience. I'm learning to completely uncouple exercise and food in my head, so I don't feel entitled to overeat on my workout days. Exercise is to make me stronger & faster, keep my heart/muscles/lungs/brain/ bones healthy and for stress relief. But I rarely burn enough calories to merit additional snacks, and I've also noticed that the more I work out, the less I move overall afterwards (this is a known phenomenon that's been studied).

So how's it going? I've gone up and down and as of today have lost a net of zero pounds. But I have only eaten after dinner once this month, I've noted everything I ate in my planner most days, I turned down a 3rd slice of pizza last weekend, and when we last went out to dinner, I left half the French fries on my plate. I'm hoping that I'm changing habits. Its a work in progress. I'll keep you guys updated.

Its the Little Things

I'm sipping tea, piping hot with water from my brand-new electric kettle. Staying hydrated without freezing is always nice, and we don't have a hot water dispenser in this office.

The long weekend was...long. Which is sort of a good thing, there were moments that really felt relaxing. But there was also a lot of whining, yelling, fighting, and maybe too much snacking on my part. We made some great meals (these chicken thighs with this asparagus was my fave), had friends over for brunch (and enjoyed this amazing casserole), watched all 3 of The Mighty Ducks movies (I did miss the first one, since I had to go to work on Friday), and each got in a work out. We also did several loads of laundry, grocery shopping, lunch prepping and a very little cleaning (since we had friends coming over...we did the first floor). There was soccer (L) and basketball (L, B, and G who is assistant coach).

If I had to pick, my favorite time was when both boys went with a friend to the science museum for several hours yesterday. I parked myself in the warmest, sunniest spot in our house (the guest room bed), and did some work and read a book for hours at a time. I totally owe the mom now, but it was well worth it. I finished "The Impossible Lives of Greta Wells" by Andrew Sean Greer and I LOVED it, found it really unique and thought provoking. Earlier in the weekend I also I also finished January & February's book club picks: the audiobook of Sing, Unburied, Sing by Jesmyn Ward (eh) and the e-book of The Mother of Black Hollywood by Jenifer Lewis (it was pretty good as far as celebrity memoirs go, but that is my least favorite genre).

Even with some tasks off my list yesterday, I am still way behind where I want to be at work. I set myself a goal to deal with all lingering patient issues by the end of the week so I basically divided my inbox into 4 groups and will tackle one group per day of backlog as well as anything new that comes in that day. I also set three major research-related tasks per day, since 3 seems like a do-able number and if I add EVERYTHING to the list, sometimes NOTHING happens because I get completely overwhelmed and clean my office or start looking up vacation destinations instead.

OK, off to tackle the inbox!

Cold Weather Sanity

As I reminder to myself (and maybe you, too!), as the temps dip into the single digits this weekend--a list of things that keep me happy on the most blustery days:

• Outdoor gear, appropriate & readily accessible. The boots are by the door, the coat is hung up with the scarf & with hat & gloves in the pockets, and I will unearth my leg warmers, too!
• Indoor gear. This is one I used to forget about, but man I HATE HATE HATE cold feet, so now I have a pair of sherpa lined socks and/or fuzzy slippers stashed all over the place, and several extra warm, thick hoodies. 
• Warm drinks. Tea is not delicious but dehydration is worse. 
• Getting outside, morning AND evening. My brain always tries to trick me into believing I will feel better if I never leave the house...its not true.
• Plans! Again, some weird part of my brain keeps trying to convince me that we will all enjoy a "laid back" weekend hanging out at home but NO! The kids will be fighting and whining and I'll be losing my mind! 
• Embracing screen time. For when the plans fall through/run out. In the summer, we live at the park...the winter is for movie night.
• Lights. We have the fairy lights outside still, and a small LED string on the dining table. Makes me happy on the dark long evening.
• and last but not least: a good attitude. The cold front isn't here to punish us and grumbling about it just makes everyone more miserable. Gear up and lets do it! 

Best Books of 2018

According to GoodReads (where I log all my books), I read 67 books in 2018, surpassing my goal of 65. I set 70 as my goal for 2019 to give myself a challenge.

Here are my absolute MUST READ favorites from last year (books I happened to read in '18, not necessary published lat year), the ones I can't stop gushing about and recommending to everyone I meet:

1) Beartown and the sequel 2) Us Against Them by Frederik Backman. If I had to pick a favorite author, he would definitely be in the top 3. Both of these books shook me, made me cry and rage and laugh and feel. Backman has such a talent of exposing the raw humanity in everyone, in all its glory and horror.

3) The Sun Does Shine by Anthony Ray Hinton. If you haven't read Brian Stevenson's Just Mercy, read that first and then dig into this memoir by one of the unjustly imprisoned death row inmates he helped free. Unbelievably refreshing perspective and a great reminder that its not what happens TO us, but our response to the events in our lives that truly make us who we are.

4) Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli. Oh man, I love this book so much, I'm smiling just thinking about it. Reading it felt like being surrounded by warmth & love & laughter. Like the smell, taste, and feel of goeey fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookies.

5) We Were Eight Years In Power: An American Tragedy by Ta-Nehisi Coates. This is a series of essays, most that Coates published in The Atlantic, from each of the Obama years. He speaks to the rise of Trump in a way that seems WAY more believable than the white-washed "Hillbilly Elegy", we just want jobs and upward mobility and love God & family nonsense that was being trotted out after the election. The essay on reparations I would consider a must-read for any American.

Seriously, read ALL these. But if you already have, or you want more, here is a brief and incomplete listing of some other 4/5 star books I read:

• You Think It, I'll Say It. Curtis Sittenfeld. Collection of short stories, dealing astutely with marriage and middle age
• Let Me Lie Clare Mackintosh. Creepy thriller, I didn't see the plot twist coming!
• The Queen of Hearts Kimmery Martin. Not as cheesy as the title & cover would have you think, but definitely with some friend/love drama. She's a MD and writes what she knows, so the medical training part was spot on.
• The Summer Before the War. Helen Simonson. Cute, heart-warming historical romance. 
• The Girl Who Drank the Moon. Kelly Barnhill. This surprised me, its a compelling and compact fantasy. 
• I'll Be Your Blue Sky. Maria de los Santos. She's a cheesy guilty pleasure (Love Walked In is still my fave) and some of our favorite characters (Teo, Claire) from previous books make cameos here.
• An American Marriage. Tayari Jones. Complicated---would make a great book club pick. The subject is compelling though I didn't really know who to root for, the characters were not likable. 
• Uncommon Type: Some Stories. Tom Hanks. Yes, that Tom Hanks. Short stories are a nice break from long epic historical dramas, and these had a good mix of entertaining and serious (and it was fun to try and find the typewriter theme in each one).
• Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. Gail Honeyman. This almost made my favorites, I won't give away the plot twist, but it is both raw and heartwarming. 
• Pachinko. Min Jin Lee. Sweeping epic family drama of the type I love. 
• The Book that Matters Most. Ann Hood. Way more serious (and sad!) than the title and cover led me to expect.
• Her Fearful Symmetry. Audrey Niffenegger. Weird. Delightfully weird.
• The Power. Naomi Alderman. Also weird---but in an extremely kill the patriarchy, empowering kind of way!
• The Underground Railroad. Colson Whitehead. I learned a lot, and it was an engaging read. 
• Behold the Dreamers. Imbolo Mbue. Realistic take on the immigrant experience.
• I'll Give You the Sun. Jandy Nelson. YA novel that gripped my heart
• The Radium Girls: The Dark Story of America's Shining Women. Kate Moore. I can't believe I didn't know about this, its fascinating (and heart-wrenching)
• Educated. Tara Westover. This memoir made a big splash for a reason---proving that truth can be stranger and fiction, and a reminder that you have NO IDEA how a person got to where they are today---don't make assumptions.
• The Golem and The Jinni Helene Wecker. Really original, haven't read anything like it. 
• The Light of the World. Elizabeth Alexander. Touching memoir after her husband's sudden death. 
• The Bluest Eye. Toni Morrison. Oh this was gut-wrenching. I saw the play at our local theater and read the book in preparation for it...really tough subject matters told through the words of a child, which make it so so powerful. 
• Sourdough. Robin Sloane. Quirky, cute, happy ending.
• I Let You Go. Claire MacKintosh. Also creepy thriller that I didn't anticipate the plot twist.
• Buck: A Memoir. MK Asante. Like, "Educated" but in the Philly 'hood.
• What Is Not Yours is Not Yours. Helen Oyeyemi. I may have been the only one in our book club to enjoy this, it was SO WEIRD, full of magical realism. The language and imagery captivated me.
• The Sun is Also a Star. Nicola Yoon. YA novel, immigrant experience.
• Greenglass House Kate Milford. YA or even children's mystery that I will share with my boys.
• Young Jane Young. Gabrielle Zevin. Empowering story of a woman reinventing herself after a very public set-back.
• Little Fires Everyone. Celeste Ng. All is not perfect in suburbia, this dramatic tale was a page-turner!
• Norwegian Wood. Haruki Murakami. Oh so sad and lovely. 
• Between the World and Me. Ta-Nehisi Coates. Important read and his writing style is beautiful.

Ok, whoa, that took forever. I need to go to monthly or at least seasonal updates because that was rough. I hope at least some of you find something new to try from this list, and if you do, let me know how you liked it! 

Getting there...

Its an up and down process, this mood/anxiety thing. I am looking forward to getting some ideas/help from the psychiatrist next week, since I've pretty much been doing it on my own the past few weeks. For me the anxiety effects are like a U shaped correlation---mild anxiety actually gets my butt in gear and gives me excess energy to work off, but past a certain point I am actually paralyzed, can't do anything, feel compelled to zone out and am completely exhausted. So, yeah, its swinging around these days. 

It's hard to explain to the non-anxious what it feels like.  Its not "worrying" really, its more of a "dread". About nothing. And everything. Its not just in my head, its my whole body that feels it---I get this feeling in my chest, and my tongue feels different...I know this is so weird. I can't just "stop thinking about it" because its in the background at a low level even when I'm trying to engage my mind and body elsewhere. The littlest things will then ramp it up...like any minor setback or even the thought of doing ANYTHING slightly stressful, like brushing L's teeth (he fights me, and it often ends up with yelling) or a heavy clinic day/challenging patient issue. Though once I'm in it, I'm totally fine. Obviously big stuff, like hearing about the news or family member's issues, can totally throw me off the rails.

Enough about that, I'll get it treated & under control and never again make the mistake of messing with a good thing! 

I had a goal of writing here 3 times/week, which I hit the first week, totally failed at last week, and this week...we shall see! I'm creating a list of topics to cover in the next few weeks, which will hopefully inspire consistency.  On deck for tomorrow: Books! 

Fallow

Guys, switching up psych meds is a real b&itch. I was doing OK until Friday, I sort of fell into a hole that I'm trying to climb out of and couldn't motivate to do much of anything that wasn't absolutely necessary at work and home. G did kick me out of the house to exercise and to go to the eyeglass store, so I did get those things accomplished on the weekend.

I'm feeling better today, maybe because my neurotransmitters are evening out, or because I just 100% forced myself to stop avoiding things and its satisfying to get sh&t done.

It doesn't help that I've taken away a lot of my go-to pick-me-up strategies (wine, shopping) so I'm having to dig real deep. I spent a lot of time zoning out on my phone (there is plenty to waste time on even without FB or IG). I have been eating whatever I feel like because I just can't deal with hungry on top of everything else, and have been going to bed extra early because just making it through the day acting like everything is peachy is exhausting.

I'm reading "The Year of the Flood" by Margaret Atwood (sequel to Oryx and Crake) and they use "fallow" as a metaphor for depression, where the person just needs to rest until they are ready to grow again, and it definitely resonated with me. Unfortunately or, actually fortunately, my life doesn't allow for such indulgence so after wallowing for a couple of days, I need to buck up.

I actually AM looking forward to a nice dinner out with G on Sunday (my treat for surviving the holiday trip), and a friend's birthday bash later in the month (booked sitter for both!). Also scheduled a weekend to see my sister in late February and my extended family is planning a reunion this spring that I am really going to try to make. And its almost time for summer/camp planning already!

Sorry this is a downer of a post, but writing regularly is on my "to do" list for this year! I'm planning a 2018 Books post, and some updates about our routines/schedules. What else would you guys like to read?