Meltdown

I had a complete meltdown last night. They locked up the park. THEY LOCKED UP THE PARK. We were just saying how going to play basketball together was the highlight of all of our days---just the 4 of us and our own ball, and the hoop, more than 10 feet away from any other families who are also playing their own soccer or t-ball or racing games.

And then I got a university-wide email asking for PCR reagent in case anyone had some in their lab because "supplies are running low" THE F%&K? Already?

These two things, on top of the freaking CDC guidelines about bandanas as PPE...I just lost it.

I am doing consults in the hospital next week. I will be seeing patients that are infectious in lots of different ways as well as those that are immunocompromised. And then going home to my family. I want to follow evidence-based procedures to protect the patients/my family/myself.

I have several tele-health visits scheduled today, but my first one "no showed" (???? we made the appointment yesterday, at the time the patient suggested, they forgot?). Hopefully the others log on for their visits. I want to provide state-of-the-art medical care from my partially finished basement with my dog in the background and my kids upstairs dammit.

I dunno, I'm sure my attitude will improve over time but I'm not feeling it today.

Doing and NOT doing

What we ARE doing (i.e. the general schedule we have settled on)

• G and I both exercise in the morning before kids are up (they've been up around 8) Alternate running with at home workouts---I've been doing Beach Body 21-day fix or fix extreme (free 30 day trial if anyone want to give it a shot) and free virtual barre classes from our neighborhood studio (email me if you want the name, they are open to all!) 
• 9:30-12 ish Kids do a couple of hours of "non screen" learning---30 minutes math packets, 30-45 minutes reading, 30 minutes writing (or at least 5 sentences for L, age 8), and 30 minutes social studies packet. This is self-directed and G & I can work. 
• 12-1 Recess before lunch---one or the other of us take them out for a walk or to play basketball. We can drop off letters to friends they wrote earlier and walk the dog, too. 
• 1-3 On-line time for kids: They alternate 1-hour of  iReady or Prodigy (school sponsored apps for math, language) on the iPad and one hour on the Switch. We can work
• 3-4:30 Free-play/art/music: Lego (both are doing this challenge), Lunchtime Doodles with Mo Willems, B practices violin,  typing game on computer, or whatever. We sort of work/sort of interact with kids.
• LONG outside period from 4:30-ish until dinner
• Play/board games, etc... until 8 PM
• 8-9 Keeping regular bedtimes and routine (and no movies/TV on weekdays so we can get them to bed by 9...ish) brush/shower/stories 

What we AREN'T doing

• School "projects" that involve any parental input. No science or history projects going on here. I am not even checking their work packets. I may have the bandwidth for this later, but I don't right now.
• On that note, I am NOT reading any articles or posts about "home schooling" because I'm not home schooling. I'm keeping my kids engaged and busy so we can work full time. That is all. 
• Any household projects, individually or as a family---we aren't decluttering. We aren't teaching our children to cook. Our old dog is not learning new tricks
• Virtual learning through the school---the district is not allowing it, citing lack of equity, since not all families will have access, especially for multiple kids in different grades needing simultaneous online access. They have posted packets and guides on line and I'm using those. 
• Healthy eating (me, at least) Gah, I've been eating everything in sight all day long, and ending the day with beer/wine WAY too often. 
• Planning ANYTHING beyond the current day 

We are doing OK. I am feeling more at peace. The kids are settling into a groove. Its all going to change because I am on consults next week and G and the boys will be on their own. But for now, we are OK.

Shoulding

I've been having a lot of guilt about my lack of productivity these past few days---since I'm not seeing patients, shouldn't I be writing up a storm? Maybe starting a grant proposal? Sketching out the IRB protocol for an upcoming collaborative study?

I've been doing NONE of that. I am doing any necessary clinical work (phone calls & EMR messages mostly, we haven't worked out the tele-health stuff yet), taking care of the kids---keeping them on track with the schedule, providing food, and taking them outside, exercising, and...not much else. I read a book ("nothing to see here"---it was great) and started another one. Made some elementary school level art. Checked in with pretty much everyone I know. Did a virtual happy hour with a friend and watched 3 episodes of The Good Place with G (we haven't watched a show together in MONTHS).

My therapist reminded me that its OK to be anxious and find it hard to focus. There are a lot of unknowns. Not everyone copes in the same way---some may indeed find it helpful to bury their brain in work. I need to take it one day at a time and not freak out about what will/won't get done in the next few months.

I'm doing better at staying off the news/social media. And I've been sticking to my exercise/meditate morning routine, getting sleep, getting outside, i.e. "self care".

Its sunny outside. The kids are doing math packets. G is on a call. I have a virtual conference at noon, in the next 2 hours I will address any urgent patient needs and some emails and...that may be it. Its ok. I'm on call next week anyways so I need to save my strength.

Strange times

Oh my, have things changed since I last tried to put words to thought on this page. In the service of writing-therapy, and distance-without-isolation, I hope to be here more often these days. Long term readers know I struggle with anxiety, and the best thing for anxiety is unstructured free time, lack of social contact, uncertainty, and the inability to plan. HAH.

What is happening here. For AT LEAST 2 weeks:
-G is on work-from-home
-Kids schools closed
-All extra-curricular activities cancelled
-All my "non-urgent" outpatient visits (i.e all of them) are canceled. We will try to convert to telemedicine, but most likely will just be answering phone & EMR messages for now, until a more concrete plan is finalized.
-we are avoiding: gym, restaurants, others' homes, playground equipment

We are still getting outside with the kids (bike, play basketball at park---without touching anything else) or alone (to run). Thankfully the weather has been really nice.

I am at work today to be "on site" for any outpatient emergencies. So far there have been none. I am charting, answering calls/messages, and trying but failing to work on a paper. Tomorrow-Thursday I will "work from home"---honestly I'll be happy to get a few things done per day, and then guide the kids through some educational activities and take them out for exercise. I made a schedule that I think was too ambitious (though still had several hours of screen time), and may need to change it up.
Friday I'm "on site" again. Next week I'm on the inpatient consult service so that'll be nuts.

Positive things:
1) We are all healthy. Only the usual spring allergies for G & I.
2) My neighborhood friends are really pulling together---every time someone heads to a store, we ask around and get supplies for each other and drop them off. We got 6 bags of dried mango snacks for my friend yesterday, another friend found children's pain meds for me (we are completely out and always like to have some around).
3) The boys' school fundraiser was canceled last weekend and went to "virtual"---yet they raised the most $ ever this year. And I had a really fun time outbidding a friend on some student art (dinosaur collage) that B really wanted me to get through the on-line auction.
4) I'm seeing fun "unity" things pop up on social media---I joined a group that will post a theme of the week for art projects that your family can make and put up in your window and I want to do this with the kids this evening.
5) School district/teachers/community at large coming through with lots of on-line resources to help keep kids' brains engaged (and allow time for parents to get work done!)
6) I'm saving money on dog-walker and babysitters (our after-school sitter was a college student who had to go home, they kicked them all out of their dorms this weekend, shame, we really liked him).

I admit I've really overindulged on scrolling social media/news for several days. I need to stop and keep occupied in other ways. I want to vow to do the following daily:
1) exercise (beach body workouts or running)
2) check in with parents/MIL by phone/text
3) meditate 10 minutes
4) phone-free time morning (9-12---beginning tomorrow, oops, I'll do 12-3 today) and evening (5-8). Morning for deep work and evening for family time.
5) GET EVERYONE OUTSIDE!

I do want to plan some projects as well---I know I should be cleaning/decluttering but UGH. Something more fun. Cooking?

Yellow Carnations and Red Roses

The ugliest combination of flowers ever and the live for f&*ng ever to boot.

A couple of weekends ago, G & B went to the store and came home with flowers "for Valentine's Day" and those were what my son chose. It was so sweet of him! And yet, when I saw those flowers still fresh and bright sitting on our table yesterday I just noticed how hideous they were and wished G had talked him into some tulips (my favorite!) and wondered if it was too soon to throw them out.

Yes, I am was a total b. I was in SUCH a foul mood yesterday, it wasn't until I caught those ugly thoughts (far uglier than the ugliest flowers!) that I realized how extremely negative my thinking had turned. We all have those days, the "I hate everyone and everything" kind of days, right? They pop up, seemingly out of nowhere, but actually triggered by constant little annoyances/disappointments/ anxieties combined with a night or two of poor sleep for good measure.

Thankfully I recognized it before taking it out on my family. I asked G to clean up the kitchen and put the kids to bed, and went to bed very early. Woke up early and had a nice run with a friend. And came into work early to cross some things of the list. I feel MUCH better now. I only hate MOST PEOPLE and MOST THINGS, but that's normal, right? hah.

Essentials

Everyone (except me!) in our house has been very sick and I've had to strip down to the bare essentials in life---see patients, take care of family, and sleep/exercise to save my sanity. So the house is a mess, non-clinical work has been COMPLETELY ignored and is piling up horrifically, and writing here has certainly not happened.

I think we are seeing the light at the end of this particular tunnel---B was fever-free (but still exhausted, coughing painfully, and not eating) this morning. He'll stay home today with G (who is also still sick, but slightly better) and hopefully all will be off to their appropriate places tomorrow.

This weekend kinda sucked. The highlight was a 6 mile run Saturday morning with 2 friends. Yesterday I made a big batch of vegan African peanut stew (adapted from several recipes I've used over the years) which was satisfying. Otherwise I was pretty much at home doing chores & administering to sick people. (And snacking too much, whoops).

Oh! And baby sitter searching because the icing on the shit cake that was this weekend: our babysitter quit with ONE WEEK NOTICE. OMG. So there's that. She wasn't that great but a reliable adult is all I ask for at this point.

And I'm on call this week! Yay! Week 5/6 of this academic year. I've also scheduled lots of clinic patients and still need to catch up on the paper revisions and paper reviews that are due this week. I really really really really hope I don't catch what they had!

Running Start

I can't believe I've been running again regularly, after many years off. I've gone twice a week all month and it feels SO GOOD to be out in the crisp, cool mornings (with pleasant company!) that I actually have to stop myself from adding another day. I know my knees/hips would start to protest if I upped the frequency and I'm going for a sustainable habit.

I downloaded the "RunTracker" app which gives me distance and pace, including splits, so that's some fun data to follow. I average 9.5 minutes/mile most days (today was drizzly and slow, closer to 10 minutes/mile). Weekday runs are 3 miles, weekends we do a bit more (4-5 so far, nothing crazy!)

I hope I can keep this up---I'm worried that the heat will do me in later, my perfect running temp is in the 30s/40s and we've had exactly that all month (weirdly and somewhat alarmingly, since ITS SUPPOSED TO BE COLDER).

The one downside is that running makes me HUNGRY way more than any other exercise. So on the calorie side, I'm sure its a wash.

On a completely different topic: I am inspired by SHU's idea to time track her call week and plan to do that later this month. I am hoping it can help me further shift my mindset from pre-call dread and during-call hatred and complaining to realizing that while it CAN be terrible, it can also be no big deal, so I should just take it as it comes.