Surreal

 I...honestly I can't say I'm surprised (you start a fire, you expect things to burn), but I am horrified by recent events. I'm really not in the frame of mind to talk about my "process goals" so I'll put that off for a bit.

On the good news front: all I wanted for Christmas was my vaccine and the senate. And I got them in the span of 48 hours! I should maybe have been more specific...maybe "and please not an attempted coup"?

The kids continue to struggle mightily with virtual school, and we in turn have hopped back on the struggle bus of trying to keep track of their assignments and encourage them to do them, in the face of their rotten attitudes, back-talk, and general recalcitrance. 

I did/do feel a little refreshed on the work front. Everything isn't so dreadful and exhausting, so I know the break was much needed and helpful. I'm sure this feeling will wear off soon enough, but I'm riding with it, trying to keep on top of stuff and feel good about the work I'm doing. 

Anyways. Hoping to never have to talk about "unprecedented times" and "dark days in American history" in reference to the current day again. 

Looking Ahead and Behind

Consider this post a prologue to several posts on 2020 books, 2020 lessons, and 2021 goals that I have planned for the next few weeks

This break has been so relaxing. This is the first time we've stayed home for the holidays and its been the perfect mix of family and alone, work and play, healthy and indulgent. I am sad it is ending.

We have no plans for tonight. Actually no, we plan to make nachos, drink sparkling wine/apple juice, and watch movies. The boys have been staying up ridiculously late all break. we will get back to the routine this weekend. 

Wishing you some peace and joy for the new year. See ya on the flip side!

Ugh

"I can't go on like this"...except I COULD and I DID continue the stress eating/drinking. I'm giving up on trying again lol.

Life has been its usual mix of tolerable and awesome and heinous. My focuses are on: work, kids school, and then a little bit of personal health (workouts) and house stuff (decluttering) thrown in. The kids are still hating on line school and they both got shockingly poor grades on their report cards so we are getting more involved and it suuuuucccckkkkssss.

November highlights:

• Election! working at the polling place and of course the actual results
• Camping: our post-election trip and our even more glorious Thanksgiving trip (the weather was amazing)
• Seeing my parents for the first time in about a year
• Reading. SO MUCH READING.
• A last (outdoor) meal with a friend and (outdoor) bookclub before the restrictions tightened so that you can't eat outdoors with anyone outside your family
• Date night with G while parents visited

December Goals: 

• Work out daily
• IF daily until Christmas Eve (the first day I have off work for the holiday)
• Declutter equivalent of one item per day (i.e. 7 or more per week)
• Put phone away during dinner and post-dinner hangout time 
• A few work things

That is all. Taking it easy. 

Randomness

Its been rainy and gross here lately, so I'm glad we took advantage of the glorious weather while it lasted. 

I don't know why but I'm feeling good today---in terms of wanting to get things done AND actually making that happen. I exercised, meditated, had a really productive "coaching session", updated a talk, planned out the rest of today/tomorrow, and am writing this!

My friend had a "Silk + Sonder" planner subscription, and she was sent 2 planners for November so I'm trying it out. I actually really like it, but hate the idea of having 12 different little notebooks for the year, so I'll pass. Its got pages for monthly goals, gratitude, habit tracking, weekly meal & exercise planning, plus weekly layouts for the actual to-dos, plus blank grid pages between weeks for writing. If they did a yearly one, I'd buy it!

I'm doing a leadership training program through my hospital, and I met with my "coach" today which was EXTREMELY helpful. I realize that I need to block off weekly time for program management that CANNOT be taken over by meetings, and monthly time for big-picture thinking about the program. Its too easy to get sucked into the nitty gritty day to day nonsense and never make real progress.

I'm putting this here for accountability: I am RESTARTING intermittent fasting and the "no drinking on weeknights" rule TODAY.  Good bye 9 pm wine and cheez its. Good bye random halloween candy. Good intentions got completely derailed and I cannot keep this up. 

Back to work, back soonish.

Gritty

So proud of my city. I see so much beauty in this dirty, historic, delicious, uncouth mass of contradictions. And I cried happy tears Saturday afternoon and again, watching our first female VP speak to all the black and brown little girls seeing a new possibility.

Four years ago, I wrote that we were in the "Upside Down"*. Yesterday, the song in my head was "The World Turned Upside Down" from Hamilton. Especially this part:

"Tens of thousands of people flood the streets

There are screams and church bells ringing"

And of course "We won, we won, we won, we won!"

I know there is a lot of work ahead. But I reveled in the relief for a day. 

*Stranger Things reference that was relevant at the time. I'm not linking because I don't want to read it today.  

Yesterday

I worked at a local polling location, directing people to the correct division to cast their vote (the ward is divided into divisions, and multiple divisions may vote at the same building, but at different booths). It was a fantastic way to 1) help and 2) stay busy and off the news.  It was actually pretty low turnout, and I've convinced myself its because most people voted early....

Then I stayed up way too late drinking wine and eating chips & Halloween candy and freaking out. Only to go to bed and wake up and...continue freaking out, but this time with coffee. I'm usually as cynical as the next gen Xer but someone I was optimistic that the VAST majority of the country could look around and see the absolute cluster&*(k we are in and feel compelled to FIRE the "leader" that got us here. The fact that its so close makes me sick to my stomach. No matter the outcome, this has shown me that our country is not what I thought/hoped it was and that is going to take a while to process and come to terms with that reality. 

I am technically "off" today, but I'm doing some work and dare I say? I'm feeling more caught up with things. Its also sunny and much warmer today so I'll go take a walk and take the kids to the park after school is over. We are going camping tomorrow. It'll be nearly 70 degrees and sunny all weekend and I can't think of anything I need more right now than some time by the fire or reading in the hammock. 

A Month

Its been a month since I wrote here, and what a month its been. By that I mean---terrible. I fell into a very very deep hole of sadness and anxiety for a whole host of reasons, many of which are still going on. I'm still very much in that dark place, but I'm starting to---every now and again---see a sliver of light in the future. 

I knew I was feeling more like myself when I opened up my planner after several weeks ignoring it, and made a list for today that included writing here AND making monthly goals for November. I've been just doing the things I HAVE to each day, without really making a plan for long term projects or even thinking about what I may WANT to do. What I really really want to do is feel better. And I know some things I need to do to get there. I just needed to climb slightly out of the hole to be able to actually recognize how far down I'd fallen.