Bullets for all!

Nothing to report, just nothing to write these days. Things are...OK. We were all healthy for a while, but I'm sick today, and working from home. Its been miraculously productive, so I'm taking a wee break to bring you some random thoughts.

• For the first time maybe EVER I kinda felt envy for those whose partners were doing something (anything!) for Valentine's day (I know! Its not like me). It was an absolute non-event here, except the kids got a lot of candy from school and were annoying in the evening. I think part of me deep down expected something? And then I feel ridiculous because its not like I did anything for G, either, so...
• I cannot stop listening to "Super-symmetry" by Arcade Fire. Its been on repeat for 3 hours and I have no urge to change it. I haven't listened to a song on repeat like this since the 90s.
• I lined up a sitter for Saturday evening but have no plans. I wanted to just wander around and find somewhere to eat. Its supposed to be a nice day (not freezing, not raining, not snowing). 
• Because its going to be such a nice day, I'm bummed that I have to work that morning (which will likely stretch into afternoon). I appreciate that we do need to improve "patient access" but I sure hate giving up a Saturday to see non-urgent clinic patients. 
• Whenever I start feeling blah, the urge to shop starts building up. The first step is admitting you have a problem?
• The boys are so so cute and infuriating and delightful and exhausting every minute all in one. So much EMOTION it is constantly just bursting out...for better or worse.
• I've been reading a LOT this year. Its given way this week to watching House of Cards. So deliciously evil and addictive. Its interesting watching that with the other show we're making our way through...The West Wing. Total juxtaposition of feel-good vs. feel-like-you-need-a shower political drama. Everyone in the Bartlett administration is just so likeable whereas everyone Frank Underwood comes into contact with seems to be capable of murder or worse.
•  I started training for a 10-mile run. Well. "Training". Today I did a 2 mile walk/run because there was just still so much ice out there and I kept slipping. Back to the treadmill I go. I ordered some supposedly small and comfortable headphones made especially for women because regular ones just do not stay in my ear (and they hurt). Music and podcasts will help.

Hope its thawing out where you are! Only 29 days until spring!

Oasis

Winter 2014 could be summed up with the words: SICK and SNOW. Add bitter bitter COLD perhaps to really get the feel of it.

This weekend where all 4 of us were healthy, and we had glorious highs in the 40s and 50s with nothing wet falling from the sky was like a glorious oasis in the dark, icy desert.

I went running, we went to the park, the kids had an absolute blast at a concert (B's birthday present, to see his favorite singer), G and I finally had our 2-weeks-delayed at home date night, we went to a fundraiser party for the boys' school and capped off the weekend with an un-Superbowl party (i.e. we ate food, drank beer and did NOT watch the game). The best part was actually having ENERGY after 4 weeks of dragging in a congested, headache-y haze. I had no problems barreling through our chores and cooking in the limited time we had in between fun activities.

Now L has a fever of 102, and we are supposed to get 8 inches today. But it was so so great while it lasted.

Qualitative Research

I'm starting to come back to life after almost a month of sick, snow, sick, snow, call, more sick, more snow. I woke up early, did my first work out in many weeks, and am actually feeling pulled to write here again.

I mentioned in my last post that I had some insights re: focus at work. I tried time-tracking, but jotting down what project I was working on when didn't actually tell me how focused and productive I was during that time. So I switched the quantitative for the qualitative style of research. At the end of the day I just took a moment to think about how I felt about the day, and then thought about what else was going on that may have been related. I came up with a few observations. Interestingly, many of the things that zap my focus at work also make me less likely to be nice to my husband and kids.

• Physical discomfort: Obviously, sleep deprivation is huge here, but given all the sick this month I realized how hard it was to concentrate at work with shards of glass seemingly in my throat, or pressure mounting in my sinuses. Minor things like having to constantly tug at my clothes, or having gross wet socks also prohibited laser-beam concentration. Oh, and hunger. If I feel the need for a snack, it made more sense to take the time to procure and eat the snack rather than daydream about said snack for the whole afternoon.
• Emotional discomfort: The day G and I had a huge fight on the way to work was not a banner day for me. Similarly, it takes me a while to get back on track after a really tough morning with the boys. It seems obvious also, that being anxious or sad about something may inhibit productivity, but I never really put two and two together. No wonder I was so unfocused when G and I were fighting more frequently, or when B was having horrible crying fits about the thought of going to school every morning. On the morning fight day, I should've taken a few minutes to write G and email or at the least, send a "sorry" text so that I could move on. 
• Long barren stretches of time: I did this to myself. I thought distractions were keeping me from working, so I tried to lump meetings together and keep whole days free to work on major projects. Unfortunately, I tend to work better under a modest amount of time pressure---like having to turn something in between meetings, or when I need to leave early to get the kids. Sitting down at 8:30 AM and knowing I have until 5 PM to complete something just leads to....wasting time and doing the work between 3-5 PM anyways. 
• Lack of incentive and accountability: I admit it. The internal motivation that has always fueled me seems to have...left. I need either the promise of something pleasant when I deliver, or the threat of something unpleasant when I don't. I know I've busted my ass for a (rare in my world) opportunity that offered extra $. I also make sure I deliver---usually early---when someone else is counting on me, whether its a patient, a trainee, or a colleague.  My day-to-day work environment, though, is completely devoid of such carrots and sticks. I'm not going to get more money, or time off, or even praise for moving forward. And I'm not going to disappoint anyone but  myself for an off week or month, as long as it all adds up over the course of a year/years. I'm trying to figure out how to work this one out. Can I give myself little rewards for meeting or exceeding goals? I do want to find an accountability partner, so we can hold each other to our weekly goals. 
• Thinking too small: I did mention that I missed doing the fun parts of my job...so I started spending more time on the science and realized that...I'm bored with the science I'm doing. I've been working on the same project for over a year, bashing away, making small tweaks and repeating. I need to think bigger---explore new techniques, even if I don't know how to do them (and thus may..gasp...fail! at least at first). I need to start something small and new just because it seems interesting. I need to move out of my comfort zone and stretch myself. Nothing like a challenge to get me motivated.

Overall I've actually been doing pretty good this month, considering how much time I've taken off for various reasons, and how sick I've been even when I've come into work. When you're in this kind of survival mode, though, there really isn't room for mucking around, so I've prioritized ruthlessly and gotten all the essentials done. Now that things are back to normal, though, we'll see how it goes. 

So how am I doing...

Did I say I would update on my resolutions in 2 weeks? Has it been more than 2 weeks since I said that? Yes and yes. We have been completely out of our routine with sick days (B had strep...again...and it was a terrible 72-96 hours of fevers 104+ and all day/night crying) and snow days (we've already had 3.5 days this winter!), and some kind of low-grade lingering illness that G and I both have that has left us utterly too exhausted to do anything but the absolute necessities.

Anyways, here I am on another call weekend, sneaking 20 minutes to myself before I head home. Yes HOME! As compared to November's 8+ hours of rounding, we finished today in TWO HOURS. And then I went to my office and quickly finished all my notes.

So here are some updates and insights on my progress in my 3 "foundation" categories:

Marriage
We have been sticking to our once a week "couple time", though Friday has never worked out. This weekend may be a wash, though, with sick and call. But we can try.
I have not said "nothing" when asked what was wrong. We did have one fight, last Tuesday as we were walking to work and we continued it after getting home because I was still upset. I think we resolved it maturely, instead of me saying "nothing", I was clear that I was upset and we sat down to discuss it after the kids went to bed.
I am doing the hugging more often than not.
I have not rolled my eyes (at G...I still roll my eyes about stuff)
Obviously no date night.

In the heat of our terrible fight on New Years Day, G spit out "you're not perfect, you know!", and I replied "of course I know that! I'm working on lots of things"...but in really being honest with myself, I did somewhat believe that I was, if not perfect, better than him in terms of behavior in our relationship. I admit I was a bit smug, thinking I was so self-aware and self-improving just because I was actively trying to change some of my patterns, but it didn't occur to me that maybe the things I was trying to change weren't the most important ones to him. Not fun to realize your own faults, but  an essential part of growing up.

Parenting

Oh this one is a fail. I'm still yelling, I have been doing more school pick up. I ditched all the parent-board stuff due to work and sickness. We are planning soccer for B in the spring. I've read nothing and the thought of "special breakfasts" is making me laugh in a "what the hell was I thinking" kind of way. 

Career  

I am doing the weekly planning. Time tracking was not helpful, but more "qualitative evaluation" was invaluable. I have a slew of insights about my unproductivity but will save that for another post, since...

 

I'm going to meet my boys at the dinosaur museum now!

2014 Fun List

I talked about bringing more fun into my life, and the more I think on it, the more I feel that its not a frivolous goal. Filling my life with the things that bring me joy are essential for sustaining the energy I need to work on the things that really matter. So I've made a list of some of the things I want to do this year---just for fun.

• Go hear live music (not counting the 2 kiddie concerts we are going to)
• See a non-music performance---play, dance, comedy routine
• See an exhibit at a non-child-friendly museum
• Add myself to carshare account and use it
• Learn to make a nice cocktail for myself
• Go to the beach
• Go see fireworks
• A trip for just the 4 of us---anything from a weekend to a week in length
• Date night picnic in the park
• Drive out at night to see the stars
• Regular (i.e once every couple of months) lunches with my work friends
• Regular brunches with my brunch friends
• Go to friend's bridal shower
• Find new music to listen to---goal of 5 new artists/bands*
• Figure out something to do with my hair*

Obviously I don't think I'll get ALL of them done in one year, but its something to work towards! 

*suggestions welcome

RAWR!

A Series of Unrelated Paragraphs and Lists

We had B's "friend" birthday party this weekend; it was dinosaur themed. We had a dinosaur cake (gorgeously decorated yet somewhat strange-tasting, from Whole Foods), a dinosaur piñata, and a "feed the dinosaur" game. We also had a "pass the parcel" game, which the kids totally didn't get. Also some kids didn't want to feed pizza to the dinosaur. Also B was upset because he wanted to get more turns at everything, and he didn't like the cake, and he wanted more presents. But "can I have another party tomorrow mommy?" Our fridge and freezer is FULL of leftover cake and pizza (we did not plan well).

My parents were here last week, which meant no taking kids to daycare, no making lunches, and lots of help on the parenting, cooking, and cleaning front (my mom is amazing). My sister and her family came up Friday afternoon and stayed for the party. I was really sad Sunday after we dropped my mom and dad off at the airport. That letdown that comes after something you've been excited about is over and its back to real life. It was hard to rally my energy to do our Sunday chores, but we did it.

I have been mild-moderately sick since New Years day, thus its been over 2 weeks since I've worked out. I had a quick run Sunday morning and it felt amazing (but hard!). I really need to exercise regularly for stress-relief if nothing else.

I had lunch with a fellow blogger last week. This was the first time I've crossed URL and IRL worlds and I was a little nervous going into it, though it was quite fun. It was weird knowing so much about each other before having met, but also somewhat of a relief not to have to do the usual small talk. Now I want to meet all of you!

I was woken up at 4:45 this AM by the dog very noisily shifting her bed around and couldn't get back to sleep. So I wound up reading Sarah's post about "bits of joy" and stayed in bed long enough to come up with my own list of fun things to do with 5-20 minutes of down time:

• play with the dog
• read movie reviews to find additions to my "to watch" list
• update my Goodreads profile (I haven't done it in 10 months and my sister and friend are bugging me)
• call someone (my mom, long-distance friends)
• text my sister
• listen to music
• read magazine article
• flip through Boden or J Crew catalogs I've saved (I just love looking)
• write an entry in my 5-year journal
• organize a small area (this sounds lame, but it makes me happy to see a clear surface or easily accessible drawer)
• make and drink a cup of tea or some other "fun but healthy" beverage

I still need to post my 2014 Fun List. I also need to do an update on my resolutions at the end of this week. But now I think I hear L stirring. I might end up going back into bed with him to get both of us a little more rest. I love waking up with him, I showed him how to "stretch" when getting up and its the absolute cutest. 

Focus

I hesitate to write about this (for reasons that will become clear), and it may disappear in a day or two if I change my mind. But I need to acknowledge the problem "out loud" so that I can hold myself accountable to the fixing of said problem. So here it is: I have been extremely unfocused at work for the past few months. I'm getting my work done, but way slower than previously, and its getting done in short quick bursts, with many hours of unproductive time in between. I feel like I'm doing 100% of my work in about 70% of my time...which is a lot of time to go wasted, and a lot of productivity unmet.

My work days are so fragmented. Some of it is the nature of the beast---I am responsible for several different projects, clinical and research-related. I am still working with my former mentor, I have new mentors, I have a technician. I have clinic and faculty meetings, and lab meetings, and phone calls. But who doesn't?  I can't eliminate that from my day, those are essential.

Like my 4 year old, I've found that I don't handle transitions well (though I am happy to report I haven't had a screaming fit or thrown anything). Instead of jumping back into it after being interrupted, I putter around for a while. Every time I finish a task, in fact, I waste some time before I start the next one. I think short breaks are actually good for productivity but the key to that is short. I've tried various things: Pomodoro technique, leechblock software, accountability partners at work...but everything has been short lived. I keep getting pulled into the same spiral of time wasting, then shame, then more time wasting, more shame...

I was baffled by my behavior for a while---I've always been extremely internally motivated at work (if not in the rest of life) and slacking off just wasn't something that I did. I kept blaming it on sleep-deprivation, or stress at home, or being sick. Yes, all of those probably didn't help. But I now realize that the underlying reason for my lack of drive is that I don't love what I'm doing these days.

I love the science behind it, but I haven't even been doing science. I've been dealing with administrative B.S., IRBs and budgets and monitoring boards and deciding which of 50 different blood collections tubes I need to buy and so on.  I like the medicine involved in my new clinical program, but not the enormous amount of behind-the-scenes work and sweet-talking I have to do to set up the clinic space, and the computer system, and make sure the schedulers understand my plan, and get all my collaborators on board. The countless meetings and more emails and more phone calls. Its not easy to get caught up in the flow of this kind of work, the same way I can with writing grants or analyzing data. Yet getting this done will get me the data to analyze that will lead to writing of grants and papers. I need to get it moving and quickly!

Every job has unpleasant aspects, but if I want to really be driven, there also have to be some pleasant and rewarding aspects. I'm not sure how to handle this---I've got more IRB addendums to execute, lots and lots of meetings and ordering decisions and budget negotiations to get through before I can even begin recruiting for my studies.

I've thought of three paltry strategies that may help:
    1) Planning my time better so that I have a set list of tasks to execute each day. This involves really thinking through how long something will take so that I have sufficient (but not overwhelming) incentive to keep going to get through my list. I especially need to do this on Fridays. Monday mornings are often the worst---I have great intentions, but without a clear place to begin, I flounder.
   2) Make sure that plan includes at least SOME amount of actual "science" each week---data analysis, hands on bench work, reviewing new literature, thinking through experiments, discussing results/experiments with colleagues. Something that will inspire me to want to keep doing what I'm doing.
   3) Use planning to minimize transitions as much as possible. Schedule meetings back to back. Set specific times of day for phone calls and emails.

I'll report on my progress as part of my resolutions every 2 weeks.