Monday, July 25, 2016

Monday Blues

Beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to even get back to the level of awful I was feeling BEFORE starting the medication. I'm seeing the psychiatrist on Thursday and hoping she has some suggestions because this is not sustainable.

Lots of thoughts going through my head that I'm still trying to work out. I feel like we need some change in our lives. But I don't want to make any decisions while I'm in the throes of major neurotransmitter upheaval in my brain---I want to see what I'm still thinking/feeling when the dust settles. (and no, its not about my job). For the past few months I've felt really unsure about what exactly I want my life to look like 5 years, 10 years from now. I envy those that have it all figured out and can make choices consistent with those goals. I used to think I knew, but these days I feel quite apathetic about things I used to be so passionately working towards---both in work & home life.

I'm trying to set my sights VERY LOW for myself. A very short list of what I absolutely want to accomplish each day, either at work or at home.


  1. This sounds awful! I'm so glad you're going to the psychiatrist soon. Just a few days to get through. Good luck.

  2. Thinking of you. Hope the appt is helpful.

  3. I'm so glad you have an appointment to check in with someone about how you're feeling soon. I know the transition can be hard... I'm not sure when they start to assume that it's just not working as opposed to not working yet...

    As for change and being unsure of your priorities, I understand that very much. I was just writing about that today in my "morning pages," about how I'm not even sure what my priorities are, what I'm trying to accomplish for myself and my family. It's a lot about work (whether I will even try to get a new job with the massive paycut that will require 10 years to make back), but some of it is about family and other things. I feel like I should have a better handle on what is important to me at 36, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all. I'm just doing what I'm doing and hoping that 10 years from now I won't have any major regrets. Not the best way to live one's life.

    I really hope you get a respite from all this struggle soon. It's exhausting when it's drawn out like this for so long.


    1. I think it takes 4-6 weeks to see the benefits fully---so I don't think they can say after 10 days that "its not working"...and the side effects seem to be slowly decreasing, which is a good sign. I am not ready to jump ship and START OVER..yikes!

  4. When I feel like shit, and I sometimes (often? always?) do, the things that might help are:

    a) Cuddling with kids; but that's out when I am all spent and can't handle humans any more;

    b) Loneliness + good art (music, movies, books) + possibly crying + kicking and punching stuff (ideally a kickboxing bag).

    Other than that, I can only send good vibes and hope your visit to the psychiatrist helps.

    As to where one should be in 5-10 years, it's a moving target anyway.

    I got an NSF CAREER grant 10 years ago. What I thought then my group would look like in 10 years, the topics we would work, all based on what I thought (and wrote) then, has almost nothing to do with how the reality looks now. If I had received some sort of "LIFE" grant, I bet what I have now would be different than what I would have written a decade ago.

    I think part of the problem is that we expect the life to become easy at some point. It never does, and I think that's a good thing. In the long run, anyway. In the short term, I wish I could spend days in front of the TV, eating bonbons.

    1. I love your comments because I think you are a few years ahead of me in the same headspace (not that you are actually older, I suspect we are the same age...just more mature!) Your last paragraph is so right. I did (do?) have that expectation, and trying to unlearn it is hard.

  5. (trying to post this for like the 3rd time )
    I remember the awfulness which is worse than awful-before-meds - I tried to switch to a different SSRI at some point due to a specific side effect , and well.... It was horrible. Got back to my old ones pronto.

    I know that your doc said those horrible side effects are to be expected for now and I'm glad you've been prepared.
    Having said that, I sure hope the meds will kick in soon. Or that she decides to switch you. Or, basically., whatever works.

    I vividly remember how it was so different when the meds started working : the range of my emotions suddenly went back to something that can be called a range and not the gray-to-black "blah to horrible" I've been in.... Suddenly "happy" was something I could feel, again.

    1. OMG this is so hopeful for me. "blah to horrible" is exactly where I've been. I don't remember what "happy" feels like.

  6. I wish I had something helpful to say, but sending you virtual hugs. The ssri sound effects sound fucking horrible.

    Have you ever thought about leaving medicine? Maybe pharma or something else with more interpersonal interaction than research would be a good fit. I don't know. I hear you about needing a good friend.


    Hang in there, Ana.