2012

Hello (if anyone is indeed still listening!) Sorry I disappeared for a while. Life was complicated and shitty and I really needed a break from pretty much everything. Things have stabilized and I'm very excited to be back.

Last year I did a "year in review" for 2011. Good god a lot happened that year...I got pregnant and had my second child, got a faculty job, and earned a masters. In contrast, nothing of great note happened this year. In fact, on thinking back over the last 12 months, the time was mostly defined by how much L was or wasn't sleeping. Fascinating stuff, ya'll. (If you care, he's sleeping like shit right now, goes to show that my smugness re: sleep training was a bit premature...wait for n=at least 2 before you go spouting off about your parenting success).

I started off the year with lofty intentions. It came from a reasonable place...wanting to exert more control over my life and my happiness. And things were really going well for a while...until they weren't. And while I have been accused of being harsh on myself, I honestly didn't really care.

Which brings me to this year. I'm going in with a very different mindset. I've surrendered. Life with two kids and a career is really fucking hard. And so far its not a matter of "but when he's sleeping better" (yeah, when will that be?) or "when he's x years old". No, things are not magically getting easier...each phase is bringing new and exhausting challenges and we are barely keeping our heads above water.

Yes, I want to be healthy. I want to have a strong marriage and friendships, to work on my career and even on some hobbies. But really, right now, I am going day to day and just doing the best I can. And that's OK. There is a deep and faint...but definitely present...satisfaction to simply making it through the day. Every day I am being a mother. A wife. A scientist and a physician. A colleague and a boss. A daughter, sister, friend. I am doing things that make a difference to someone. Every day.

Thus, I am not going to set up impossible standards for myself this year, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that even modest seemingly do-able goals are, in fact, impossible for me these days. I've definitely got some lifestyle changes in mind---for our whole family---and coming off a really chaotic few weeks of sickness, injury, and travel, this does turn out to be a good time to start them (more on that later). But its coming from a different place this time. Its about us...us...being healthier and having more fun, not about changing myself into this idealized vision of uber-career-mother-wife-person. While I am still a great fan of self-improvement in the abstract, I am sitting out this season. I don't need to be better. I'm pretty damn good as I am (if I do say so myself). ;)

Happy New Year! May 2013 bring amazing things to all.

Safety

Yesterday morning I watched (shrieking helplessly and un-helpful-y) as L tumbled down the stairs to our basement. The door was left open to let the dog up behind me, and I only turned my back for a second. He cried less than I did, and was back to his regularly scheduled antics after a quick cuddle and some kisses from big brother.

G and I discussed getting a baby gate for that entry way. Its not that hard to to do, and you know, just in case.

At our noon conference at work, we discussed an article showing a weak (really really weak) association between BPA levels and certain health risks. After tearing the paper apart, most of us in the room admitted that we did go for the BPA-free products for our children. In fact our specialty's organization was pushing for a government ban on BPA in food packaging. It may not help at all, but you know, just in case.

Many people say banning assault weapons will not stop gun violence. That people with evil intent will find a way. That the statistics that show (pretty convincingly to me) that countries with stricter bans have less gun-related fatalities are not applicable here.

But I figured I'd make my voice heard doing this. And this. And this. It wasn't that hard. And you know, just in case.

What holiday?

Well I'm back. I got my grant in, and then went through the usual cliched existential crisis. You know the one---our protagonist is going through a particularly challenging and busy time. She is working herself to the bone and missing out on what she perceives to be all kinds of fun. She dreams wistfully of said challenge finally coming to an end, upon which the world will erupt in rainbows and butterflies and life will be amazing. The challenge ends. No rainbows. No butterflies. Certainly no "amazing". Just the usual mix of mundane and suck. She wallows briefly wailing "what's the point !" but then moves on to find beauty in the mundane and joy in the suck. And life goes on.

Until the next challenge comes up. Which for me was last week's marathon 7 days of consults and Total Thanksgiving Coverage. For the 4 days of the long-weekend I left the house at 7:30 and returned between 2:30-4pm, after rounding on 20+ patients per day (and the myriad extended family that was able to come visit for the holidays and all needed full updates & their list of questions answered!) and writing 30+  notes per day in our spanking new EMR.

Those keeping track may realize that, yes, I was away for the majority of my childrens' waking hours. So G had his own marathon. It is finally over. Cue the rainbows and butterflies....

Choice

Four years ago, on an unseasonably warm November Tuesday, G & I walked over bright and early to the polling place near our apartment and quickly and easily cast our vote for hope and change. Today, it was bitter cold. Voting was less quick and certainly less easy as we brought both boys with us, one of whom heard "voting" and "president" as "boating" and "presents" and was sorely disappointed in the experience. Our hope is a bit bruised and battered and change, we've learned, comes quite slowly. But we cast our votes and now we continue to wait. Anxiously.


I've shied away from posting anything political on this blog because I haven't been able to write anything even-handed. I've got many half-written rants in my "Drafts" but really, what's the point? If anyone reading agrees with me, I'm not saying anything new. If they don't, well, I'm unlikely to change their minds.


When B finally got the vague sense of what were doing, that there were two men running for president and we picked one, he predictably asked "why?". I gave him a quick age-appropriate answer, but realized I've never actually articulated the reasons behind my vote.


So here are a few reasons, briefly stated (and heavily edited to remove most rage and rantiness).

 I believe...

• that the measure of a society is how it treats its weakest citizens...not its strongest.
• in equal rights for all, straight or gay, rich or poor, male or female...
• that basic healthcare is a right for all humans, including reproductive healthcare for women. 
• in science. and the teaching of it to our children, and the use of it to improve our health.  
• and finally, that the most critical aspect of our leaders is character and integrity. Yes, policies about specific issues are important, but life is full of the unexpected. We may know how a candidate will deal with A and B, but what about the X, Y, Z we never anticipated? I want someone honest, compassionate, and fair in charge.

 Back to waiting. I'll remember this day as B and L's first presidential election. B even got to push the "VOTE" button for me as we made our choice in support of our President.

Relief

All essential clinical personnel made it in yesterday so I stayed home and worked on my grant in the basement, trying to ignore the thunderous elephant stomping and banshee shrieking noises from upstairs. I got a bit done, but was distracted by the constant internet news stories about "battering", "hammering", "slamming", that was quickly approaching. The total shut-down of transit and later highways and bridges drove home the fact that this was really happening. We were right in the middle of the "cone of uncertainty". We got out our flashlights, brought everything valuable up from the basement, filled the bathtubs, found candles.

Water started leaking into the boys room right into B's crib. Fortunately we noticed it well before bedtime and moved them both into the guest room and set up pots and buckets. They took it in stride.

Despite my complaints about living inconveniently close to work, the upshot of living in the city is the lack of isolation during major storms. Though it seemed like it should be deserted outside, when G went out to walk the dog at 8:30, there were lots of fellow dog-walkers and he told me the neighborhood bar across the street was hopping. 

Proving that my anxiety was mostly NOT weather related, I managed to sleep like a baby through the howling winds and rattling trees. I woke up a few times and noted by the hum of the fan and the static on the baby monitor that we still had power. I woke up to L crying at 5:20 in the morning and picked him and assessed the house. Just some water in the buckets and pots.

Later, B and I went for a walk to stave off some crankiness and assess the damage in the neighborhood. I could not believe what I saw.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not a tree down, a window smashed, or a jack-o-lantern out of place. Stores & restaurants were up and running. Cars were filling the roads, and dogs and kids were venturing out. The river was ominously high, but overall, we were so so so amazingly lucky.

Unfortunately not everyone was as lucky. Hoping for minimal lives lost and a speedy recovery for the bruised and battered Jersey shore and Manhattan.

Storm Surge

So this whole storm thing has thrown a major kink in my productivity. The kids will be home today & tomorrow at least. Even if I do make it to work, I think I'm going to be pulled for clinical duties. That's what I get for being the only attending that lives within a mile of the hospital.

 I was so anxious I couldn't get to sleep last night & then woke up crazy early,  feeling all nauseous and gross (like you do when you don't sleep at all). Not about the storm, but about my grant! How's that for f-ed up priorities? But unless they extend the deadline, I'm kinda screwed here. I got feedback from my mentors Friday & Sunday and despite much of the grant being the EXACT SAME stuff they said was "good" in the original submission last year, they tore it completely apart. My suspicious that they were being soft on me because I was, actually, 40 weeks pregnant (and prone to contractions) when I submitted last time, are true. Also, a tech was supposed to run a bunch of assays for my prelim data this week, and they closed the entire university (except for essential---i.e. medical---personnel) so that isn't happening.

Maybe the NIH will end up under water by tonight?

Early

I'm at a great point in the grant-writing process...really in the zone and enjoying the work. Its the sweet spot in between trying to start up and getting burnt out. I've managed to get a lot done during working hours, by cutting out all non-essential meetings and projects and delegating some lab work. I was sick last week and exhausted, falling into bed at 8 or 9 pm most nights. This actually jump-started a really good habit, because going to bed that early means waking up around 5ish. Instead of trying to work at home, I've been getting ready and coming to work by 7 or 7:30 (instead of 8:30-9).

This has many advantages:
   1) The simple fact that more time=more time
   2) Getting to work before most others=no distractions
   3) More complex---leaving home before the morning struggles with the kids=much more mental energy and willpower.

As typical for his age, B has been quite challenging. The defiance, stubbornness, and whining oh lord the whining. Dealing with that for an hour and a half in the morning leaves me spent, and not at all in the frame of mind to jump into work when I get to my desk. On a more long-term note, we do have to streamline our morning routines because it is ridiculous, but for now, I'm using the avoidance technique.

The disadvantage of leaving early---the whining from G. He complains about how much longer it takes him to get ready and how late he got to work. But I don't honestly think my  leaving early has anything to do with that. I can (and will) write a whole long post about how his inflexible morning routine is ruining my life hampering our productivity.

Back to work...