Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Here and Now

Here and now is not so bad. I do realize my enormous privilege (jobs, health, financial stability) and I I hesitate to complain. I do not in any way equate my general discomfort with uncertainty and change with true human suffering. This space is where I come to process my thoughts & feelings, so it does tend to lean toward the darker side---there just isn't as much to say about a day that went relatively (if boringly) well.

But yes, some days are going well. There are many things I truly enjoy about this new normal. Not wearing shoes for one. My feet have NEVER been happier. Sleeping in later (for all of us). Working out at home with G. Seeing more of my kids throughout the day and getting glimpses of their school personalities when they are on video calls. Telehealth---when it works well---is quite efficient, and feels much more intimate and personal than talking in a cold and sterile clinic room. Relaxed evenings with no homework, or activities, or outings (even when I enjoy them, the mad rush to get home & head out is tiring).

Its the talk of going back that is freaking me out a bit. If I'm expected to be back in the office seeing patients this summer---what are the kids going to do? Will G just work from home while they play video games, watch TV, and do some limited educational stuff all day? If school doesn't start in September, then what?

But nothing is certain. So I can't plan for it. Which is unsettling. So I try not to think about it. Because here and now...is OK.


  1. Totally hear you on the Summer plans. When this all started I thought that Dylan and I would be completely fine with continuing with games and screen time and a little bit of school, but now it seems like it's not going to feel like enough -- like too much work and not enough fun. I don't know what to do about it. If you want my honest opinion, I think you should hire a babysitter to come to your house for several hours each day in order to relieve some of the stress on your family. I can't imagine trying to supervise Dylan's school while trying to get work done at the same time, and I know my husband can't either. I wish I could offer helpful advice about how to find someone... was talking to a colleague about this and she was like, "There's not enough care dot com in Philly to provide childcare for all the healthcare workers who have to go back to work full time this summer with no camp." Yep. Basically that is the whole problem.

  2. I agree with you, Ana. There are always things in the here and now that're good. When I can't seem to see them our have any joy from them, I usually recognize I'm overtired, stressed, or depressed... Or I'm dealing with a crisis that overrides all else for the moment.

    I don't think people are judging you for sharing your challenging (and let's face it, universal) feelings. I think people, at least me anyway, want to help or at least stand in solidarity; and maybe that's not always what you're looking for when you post. You're obviously very capable of managing your life but even so, when I see someone struggling, I want to comfort.

    And yeah. I'm scared as hell that schools won't open in Sept and scared as hell that they will. May God help us all (and I say that as a non-religious person).

    Wishing you peace.